Dave again tips his hat for the fine work of the law in Teton County, Montana following the “situation” last weekend and thanks the many well-wishers who were thinking of him and his family.

IS BARBARA WALTERS FEELING ALL RIGHT?   Barbara Walters filled-in at ABC’s Good Morning America on Monday and Tuesday.   Maybe it was the early hours or maybe it was just a ratings-grabbing stunt, but her behavior seemed a bit odd.   We see a clip of Barbara with substitute co-anchor Robin Roberts.   Slow motion with sexy music, Barbara Walters leans over to  . . . . . kiss Robin Roberts!?   What’s going on here?   We stop the clip before it goes on too far.!

It’s time for DONALD RUMSFELD ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS:   From Sunday’s ABC’s This Week with George Stephanopoulos, Rumsfeld is asked, “Have you ever authorized any U.S. military over-flights of Iran since you’ve been Defense Secretary?”

Rumsfeld thinks, pauses, waits, halts, says “Well, I don’t  . . . . . pauses, waits, and any other word you can think of that means “doesn’t answer.”  

GEORGE W. BUSH INAPPROPRIATE SMILE: From a March 4th speech in Westfield, New Jersey:
- A stern and forceful President exhorts, “Syria, Syrian troops, Syrian intelligence must get out of Lebanon now!”   He then inexplicably gives a big wide smile.

It’s something new, for us at least, called:
ON SALE NOW – the Sunday circulars are loaded with items for sale.   We gathered up some of the more interesting ones.

Paul opens with an “On Sale Now” intro song.   It went something like this . . . . . “On sale now!”   He says he didn’t have much time to put it together.

Sherwin Williams – Extra-Gay paint colors: Pink, lavender, and cornflower
Vitamin Shoppe – Jose Canseco supplements
Sears and Roebucks – free monkey with purchase
Circuit City: Clearance!  Samsung 27-by-3 inch plasma television (good for the bottom scrolling)
Shop Rite: Room temperature sushi
(sometimes the fun is in the journey) Petco: Goldfish sweaters – this one features the dorsal cut-out
Macy’s: Extremely flammable curtains
Toys R Us – a message which reads, “Dear Toys R Us Customers, we will be closed until July 2005 to replace backwards “Rs” with “Rs” pointing the correct way.  We apologize for this glaring oversight.  Thank you. 
(while holding the card, Dave discovers his finger was hiding some of the copy.  He apologizes and calls it a beginner’s mistake)
Best Buy: Home Sex Video Kit

During the break, Paul and the band produce a more elaborate “On Sale Now” intro song.

TOP TEN: Slogans for the Breast Enlargement Gum
In Japan, tests have shown a chewing gum called “Bust-Up” can enhance breast size up to 80%.
#9. Go to the store and check out our rack.
#8. Recommended by five out of five dentists
#7. Triple D-licious
#3. Bursting with flavor and bursting out of your shirt!

SEAN “P. DIDDY” COMBS: He’s got something new on his griddle: MTV’s Making the Band 3.   Actually, this is the 2nd Making of the Band he’s been in on.  He’s also got working his clothing line, his record company, his efforts to get out the vote, a bunch of other stuff, and Daddy’s House, a charity for underprivileged kids he created in 1995.

He needs an office to do all this and he’s now working right across and up the street from us.   He’s got 6,000 square foot office with a  Jacuzzi, a theater, a bed and bar.  

He presented an award at the Academy Awards and recently visited the White House.  What’s the President like?  “What you see on television is what he is in real life.”   Listening to Sean, it sounded as if he was more impressed with the Academy Awards then the White House.

Any more marathons in Sean’s future?   Sean says if somebody is willing to throw millions his way for charity, yeah, he might.  But other than that, no way.   Sean says, “Running a marathon hurts you for life.”

MTV’s Making the Band 3 – Thursday nights at 10:00.

PAT AND KENNY READ OPRAH TRANSCIPTS.   I’m not sure what makes this funny but this is how it works.  We send for the transcripts from a recent Oprah show then have our stagehands Pat and Kenny recreate the excitement right here on our show, reading from the actual transcripts.   There are no special effects, no lights, sirens, no bells, no buzzers.  It’s just Oprah’s words and the words of her guest, performed by Pat and Kenny.  Tonight’s installment involved Oprah and her special guest, Kirstie Alley.  Kenny played the part of Ms. Alley.   Pat played Oprah.

As I said before, I’m not sure what makes this so funny.  It’s simply Pat and Kenny reading from the Oprah transcripts.   It sort of reminds me of a similar piece originated on Jane Pauley’s new talk show.   Jane Pauley would get up in front of a podium and, all stoic and serious-like, read from actual Rock and Roll lyrics.  It may not sound funny now but it was hilarious when Jane Pauley did it.   She would slowly step up to the podium, as would a great orator, clear her throat and read, “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time.   You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time.!   Well you ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine.”   It never failed to bring the house down.   In much the same way, Pat and Kenny reading the Oprah Transcripts works in a similar manner.

ACT 5: It’s now time for an “NCAA Fun Fact.”
Did you know that Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s last name is actually a stage name that he adopted when he was a soap opera actor in the 80’s.”  (slide in photo of Tony Geary from General Hospital)  “Nice afro, Mike!
This has been an “NCAA Fun Fact.”

ERIKA CHRISTENSEN: She stars in the film The Upside of Anger in theaters now.   Erika was born in Seattle and likes to go back there and also likes to spend time in Vancouver.  She recently tried to conquer “The Grouse Grind,” also known as “Mother Nature’s Stairmaster.”   She describes it as being a 3,000 ascent over less than 2 miles.   It’s nearly straight up and is a killer to climb.   Once to the top, you can enjoy a smoothie at the café.   Is that really much of an incentive to climb the Grouse Grind?  A smoothie?  

The film, The Upside of Anger, takes place in Detroit but was shot in London.   Hmmm, more Hollywood outsourcing.  

To close the show, Dave says if you have any available money, invest in that Japanese gum.  “It’s going to be big!”

And that was our show for Wednesday March 23, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Oh man, it’s exactly what the Super Bowl needs.   The network carrying the Super Bowl wants a big halftime show with what’s popular with the kids.   Me, I want a throwback to the old high school or college marching bands, preferably, Grambling State.   Watching Gwen Stefani the other night on our show, it hit me that that would make for a perfect halftime show.   And if not Gwen, then somebody else.  

New Super Bowl Halftime Rule: you have to perform with a marching band.

This morning’s traffic jam on the West Side Highway was brought to you by . . . . rubber-necking sexually frustrated commuters who felt the need to crane their neck to get a look at a female jogger with nice long straight hair.  She was jogging southbound along the Hudson River’s edge.    Drivers slowed down to look over their shoulder to catch a glimpse of the fully-clothed joggette.  Slowing to glance created a sluggish! backup for those still behind for about a mile.  Once past the jogger, traffic loosened and we could get back to driving the limit on this otherwise lightly congested day.

ABC’s Blind Justice, is a police drama about a blind cop.   Does anybody remember Longstreet from the 70s?

This is a short synopsis I stole from a Longstreet-fan website

"An unusual blend of detective show and character study, Longstreet aired for one season on ABC during the 1971-72 television season. James Franciscus portrayed Mike Longstreet, a top-notch insurance investigator who was blinded and his wife killed in an explosion in the pilot movie. Rather than retiring, Longstreet sets out to find those responsible for the bomb. By the end of the pilot movie Mike has caught the killers and proved to himself and to others that despite his blindness he is still a top-notch investigator.”

The lead character, New York Detective Jim Dunbar, was blinded in a shootout when his partner failed to cover him. He could have retired with a full pension after his injury, but instead fought to remain on the job, determined to prove he still has what it takes and be an asset.   Though all the detectives are impressed by Dunbar's heroism, demonstrated during the events that led to his being blinded, they are angry he has returned and incredulous at his belief that he can still work the streets and carry a loaded gun.

I figure we can get John Goodman to be the new Cannon.

It’s another installment of “Late Night with David Letterman: The Day They Were Born.”
Erika Christensen was born August 19, 1982.  So what happened on Late Night with David Letterman the day Erika Christensen was born?
Late Night was in repeats.   August 19, 1982 was a repeat from May 24, 1982.  
Dave’s guests that night were the Smothers Brothers; Ronald Reagan’s barber Milton Pitts; and creative consultant to “Television’s Greatest Commercials” James Hall.  Plus, a surprise walk-on by Mr. Bob Hope.

But that’s not all!  Also on Late Night the day Erika Christensen was born, a hilarious piece called “Talk Show Etiquette” featuring Chris Elliott, Merrill Markoe, Tommy Casabona, and Calvert DeForest.

It all happened on Late Night with David Letterman on August 19, 1982, the day Erika Christensen was born!   Where were you?

Many thanks to Arthur Donzarelli for the above information, also known as "The Donz." 

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
March 23, 1952 – The New York Rangers, leading 6-2 with 14 minutes left in the game, lose to the Chicago Black Hawks, 7-6.   Hawks’ Bill Mosienko scores 3 times in 21 seconds; at 6:09, 6:20, and 6:30 of the 3rd period.