Dave is all for safety. He always takes the proper precautions before proceeding in any endeavor. With that in mind, he has our costume designer Susan Hum put away the LATE SHOW bear. We see Susan battling with the brown bear, shoving it behind the large metal door. Many shows would have begun even if there was a wild bear on the loose. Not us. Safety first. Good bye, bear.

Tom Brokaw is on the show to promote yet another new book. This one entitled, The Greatest Generation’s Best Low-Carb Cookout Recipes. The guy’s got a good thing going and he going with it as long as he can. Good business man.

Dave takes a second to take car of something very important.
“With the 73rd pick in the 2005 NBA draft, the Minnesota Timberwolves select Duke forward Chris Comey.”
Enter a tall lanky lad of early 20s. He walks up to Dave at the desk. Dave shakes his hand, gives him a Minnesota Timberwolves cap, and poses for photos. Chris Comey then exits.

The moon is lower in the sky and appears larger than it has in years. Scientists cannot explain these phenomena. Dave asks Harold, our head carpenter, if he could open the door and check on the moon to see just how large it appears. Harold opens the door and is startled by the lunar orb. He cries out, “Holy crap. Giant moon! It’s coming right at us. Run for your lives.” Harold then runs away like a frightened little kitty.

“With the 74th pick in the 2005 NBA draft, the Golden State Warriors select guard Dantae Jefferson from the University of North Carolina.”
Enter a tall lanky lad of early 20s. Dave and Dantae shake hands, Dave hands him a Golden State Warrior cap, and they pose for photos. Dantae then exits.

Dave is sick and tired of the summer repeats found on every channel during primetime. Even last night during the Presidential speech! Did you see what was on CBS? We see the clip from last night.
We hear: “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.” We then cut to Jimmy Carter giving a Presidential address. Good grief, this was from the late 70s! Has CBS no shame?

“With the 75th pick in the 2005 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select La Salle forward Dave Provost.”
Enter a short, fat squatty guy. He eagerly runs up to Dave. Dave shakes his hand, they pose for photos, and then Provost exits. Not an impressive figure is Dave Provost for the Knickerbocker club. And to think they traded up for him.

Dave has no idea why he has to do this. Does CBS even have the NBA? I don’t think so. Maybe it was for the NCAA college basketball. It’s probably in the agreement.

TOP TEN: Surprises in President Bush’s Primetime Address.
#9. Kept talking about how Scientology changed his life.
#4. Most of speech devoted to his Fourth of July deviled egg recipe.
#3. Revealed he’ll soon be giving uncensored weekly address on Sirius satellite radio.

Nothing on the show happens by accident. Everything is planned right down to the simplest mistake. Tonight we have Dakota Fanning . . . . . and our first guest comes from South Dakota. Isn’t that something? Hey! Come back! Dave describes Tom Brokaw with the old axiom, “He’s a guy every woman wants to be with and every guy wants to be.”

TOM BROKAW: He’s an award-winning newsman. He’s a bestselling author. And he has a new special on NBC on July 6th, Tom Brokaw Reports: The Secret Man about the Deep Throat guy.

Dave asks if Tom gets antsy, if he starts to salivate every night at round 5:30-6:30 feeling as if he should be somewhere doing something now that he’s off the news. Tom answers simply, “no.”

Tom’s been keeping busy doing lots of traveling. He recently returned from a trip to New Zealand, imagining it looks like what California looked like in 1928. He enjoyed some fly fishing in streams, lakes and rivers that were “gin clear.” “Gin clear” is a term to describe crystal clear waters here in the States but New Zealand’s “gin clear” water makes our “gin clear” water look cloudy and dirty. What did he catch? Brown trout. Dave asks Tom if he still fishes using M-80s? Tom laughs, asking if Dave knows the old joke.

The old joke: A sheriff had heard that Clem would go fishing by dropping dynamite in the river and wait for the fish to float to the top. This of course was illegal. So the sheriff decided to join Clem for a day of fishing. That afternoon out on the river, Clem reached in his back pocket and threw some dynamite. He then scooped up the dead fish. The sheriff is shocked. Clem then hands a stick of dyno to the sheriff for him to do some fishing. The sheriff begins to scold Clem; “Clem, you can’t throw dynamite int . . .” Clem stops him cold and barks “Are you gonna talk or you gonna fish?”

In addition to New Zealand, Tom has spent some time in Patagonia, the southern tip of Argentina and Chile, an area he describes as what America must have looked like in 1810. While in Patagonia, he met a guy riding a bicycle with a small trailer attached. Where was this guy going? He was on his way to Alaska. . . by bike . . . with a trailer on the back. Yikes. Are you like me, was the first thing you thought of was “Wouldn’t it be easier to ride down from Alaska to Pentagonia . . . instead of riding up?”

Dave tells Tom the story of his being tossed from his horse last week. Dave recaps it step by step and wonders what spooked the horse. Tom, a horseman himself, asks if there was anything there on the ground? Dave says, “Just a large imprint of my ass where I landed.

Dave takes a moment of where Tom has been recently:
New Zealand.
Patagonia.
Afghanistan.
Pakistan.
Saudi Arabia.
Iran.

Dave wonders, “is there trouble at home?” Tom assures Dave everything is fine. This reminded me of another old joke. A guy is talking about his troubled marriage that is just barely hanging on. He says,
- We take separate vacations.
- Sleep in different beds.
- Sleep in different rooms.
- Work different hours.
- With different days off.
- We’re doing everything they can to stay together.

And how are things “over there”? Tom gives a clear description of the troubles in Iran/Iraq/Afghanistan/Saudi Arabia/etc. He explains, “and as long as we need oil, we’ll be keeping our nose in their business. Until we develop our own energy source, things won’t change between them and us. Dave concludes the segment by telling Tom, “You’re just as smart now as you were before you retired. Not me. When I retire I’m going straight to dumb.”

ACT 5: Now here’s something that won’t be on tonight’s LATE SHOW! It’s the Great Throwdini and his assistant Ula! Thanks for making the drive all the way from Albany. But we’re out of time. Don’t worry, you kids will get gas money, a meal voucher, and a photo of Dave signed by one of his assistants. Good luck and keep throwing those knives! We’ll be right back.

DAKOTA FANNING: She’s only 11 years old! She here last when she was 9 years old. We have a photo of her last appearance with her giving a big toothless smile. Very cute. She has since lost more teeth, got the braces, and a retainer for the bottom teeth. Oh, isn’t pre-adolescent a great age! Dakota is looking forward to seeing the fireworks outside her L.A. window overlooking Universal. The sweet Dakota has a horse named “Goldie” and she too has been thrown. We see a photo of Dakota with Goldie. Dakota describes Goldie as vain and spoiled --- always looking in the mirror. I can understand why Goldie looks in the mirror all the time . . . she’s probably looking for even a trace of gold in her mane. Goldie is all white. I guess the Fanning’s were thinking of white gold.

Dakota is in the summer blockbuster War of the Worlds. It opened earlier today. We see a clip of Tom Cruise in a Yankee hat, his son in a Boston Red Sox hat, and Dakota . . . . hold it! Dad in a Yankee hat and son in a Red Sox hat? Now there’s your war of the worlds! Anyway, the three of them get in a van and flee the monsters. What do the monsters look like? Sorry, you’ll have to see the movie. It’s a big secret. Word on the street says they look like network executives.

Stop the presses! I just saw another photo of Dakota’s horse, “Goldie.” It was pure gold. From memory, I picture the photo of Goldie shown on the show as being a white horse with a green blanket. I would have sworn to that in court if I had to. The picture in front of me right now shows Goldie being definitely gold. So, nevermind.

And that was our show for Wednesday June 29, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

I received many e-mails to tell me they enjoyed my Snapple story and found it very funny. It wasn’t supposed to be funny. I wrote how I was in pain. I wrote how I was choking. I wrote how I nearly died. And you people found this funny? Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about my bout with gout so you can have a really good laugh

BASEBALL: My Theory
Major League baseball pitchers are rooting for Roger Clemens... on the road. Roger Clemens has written in his contract that he does not have to travel with the team if he is not scheduled to pitch. He can stay home while the rest of the team is on the road hard at work. So how has this worked out? Pretty good for Roger. Traveling only when he is scheduled to pitch on the road, Roger has allowed only one run in 39 innings. Can’t you see other pitchers now saying they should stay home... for the good of the team. It works for Roger.

EJ KORVETTES: from Jim Kohler of Chesapeake, VA (formerly of Roslyn, NY)

“Do you remember when Yankee Stadium was renovated in the mid-70's? I hated going to Shea for Yankee games those two years (but I digress). E.J. Korvettes sold seats from Yankee Stadium for $7.50 plus a coupon from Newsday or the L.I. Press. My mother made my older brother stand in line for hours to buy me a seat. It was my most prized possession. Sometime shortly after I joined the Navy in 1981, my father cleaned house, and threw away a lot of old stuff, including - you guessed it - my Yankee Stadium seat. It drives me nuts every time I see that one of those old, dilapidated, peeling gorgeous seats has just sold for thousands of dollars. Not that I would have ever sold mine. I just wish I still had it.”

THIS LATE SHOW NUMBER DATE IN HISTORY:
Today’s LATE SHOW Number: 2391
So what happened on February 3, 1991?
Kevin Von Erich was recognized as champion by the Texas Wrestling Federation after defeating the Angel of Death on February 3, 1991 in Dallas, Texas. The TWF then closed three months later.

And from the Donz:
LATE NIGHT ON THIS LATE SHOW NUMBER DATE IN HISTORY.
Tonight’s LATE SHOW Number 2391. So what happened on LATE NIGHT on February 3, 1991?
February 3, 1991 fell on a Sunday. There was no LATE NIGHT broadcast on this day.
But Chris Elliott's ‘Get a Life’ aired an episode on this date on FOX.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
Thoren Fleury is 5'6", weighs 180 pounds and shoots right. Fleury, one of the game's greatest players, was born on June 29, 1968 in Oxbow, Sask.
Fleury holds the Calgary Flames franchise record for points scored (830).