Dave is getting a bit ridiculous with his safety concerns; so much so that people are beginning to call him a 'ninny.' He doesn't care, though, he's safety conscious. Before we go any farther, Dave sends Tony Mendez out to do the daily chore of putting away the Late Show bear. Tony runs out and quickly puts away the voracious bear. Those who looked closely noticed that the bear got in a swipe just under Tony's eye before being put away. Before returning to the stage, Tony phoned his union rep.

This Karl Rove and the CIA leak story is getting odder and weirder. This is what Dave saw on the TV today.
Announcer:

"The CIA leak scandal. Karl Rove (photo). Dick Cheney (photo). Matt Cooper (photo). All of Washington is consumed with one question --- anybody in this town ever heard of a gym? Look at the double chins on these bald bastards! The White House - Home of the 64 ounce rib eye!"

"Last night, President Bush nominated arch-conservative John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Looking on was John's family . . . .
Jane (in a pink dress).
John (son in page-boy hair-cut, knickers, and saddle shoes.)
And Josephine (daughter in similar dress and haircut as mom.)
Yes, we didn't think it was possible, but the Bush Administration just got a whole lot whiter.
President Bush: Welcoming rich conservative whites of all shapes and sizes."

WHO ASKED FOR IT?
1. John Wolf of Teaneck, New Jersey:
Where's Teaneck? "About a half-hour from here."
What Hudson river crossing do you take? "The GW Bridge."
What do you do for a living? "I'm in medical billing."
Any future in that? "Not really."
Dead end position? "Yeah, I guess."

Question for Dave: "I'd be honored if you and Paul went to dinner with me right after the show. My treat."
Dave says that is very nice but is very busy after the show and won't be able to make it.
Dave does offer a guy who sort of looks like him to go in his place. We see a shot of a guy who sort of looks like Dave in the Green Room.
Paul says, "Well, if you're not going, then neither am I. I'm going to send a guy who looks like me too. Is he here?" We see a shot of a guy who sort of looks like Paul in the green room.
Back to the guy: "Well, if both of you aren't going, I'm not going."
Dave says, "But we got a guy that looks like you backstage, too." We cut to a guy in the green room who sort of looks like the guy. We then see a shot of the three together.

So who is John Wolf of Teaneck, New Jersey? He's actually our scenic designer Jason Kirschner. John Wolf? That's his brother-in-law.

2. Nora Epstein of Floral Park, New York.
Where is Floral Park? "On Long Island in Nassau County."
What does Nora do for a living? "I'm a stay-at-home mom."
Kids? "3. Lauren, who is 10. Katie, who is 8. And Tom is 5."
How much does each of them weight? "Lauren weighs 90 pounds. Katie is 65 pounds. And Tommy is a big boy at 46 pounds."
How often to you weight them? "Once a year for their physical."

Question for Dave: "I collect autographed photos. I already have yours and Paul's and I was wondering if I could have Alan Kalter's to complete my collection." Alan?
Alan: "Most certainly. What kind of photo would you like? I have this handsome 8X10 glossy. (hold up photo) I have convenient wallet-sized. (hold up photos) And I have this dazzling poster for you true Big Red aficionados. (hold up naked poster of Alan with a red star covering his privates.) You can find these photos, plus adult movies, novelties and toys, only at KalterWorld! Visit us online at www.kalterworld.com today! What's it gonna be, sweets?!"

Nora, with a sickly look on her face, says "That's okay, I'm fine." And quickly sits down.

3. Tommy Young of Hollival, New York.
Where's that? "About 2 hours from here, in Columbia County."
And what do you do? "I'm an auto upholsterer." Dave says, "Yeah, well that explains the shirt."

Question for Dave: "The new 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' is about a boy who wins a contest by finding a golden ticket in a candy bar. Does Rupert have any special contests where you find something and win a prize?"
Dave: "Good question." We turn on our camera at Rupert's to find out. We see Rupert at his counter with a sandwich about to be served to a customer. Dave asks if he ever has a contest where someone can find a golden ticket.
Rupert: "What do you mean?"
Dave: "For instance, that sandwich right there looks like it has something that's sticking out."
Rupert lifts the top of the roll off the sandwich to reveal a cigarette butt. Rupert becomes irate at the intrusion, throwing the sandwich at the camera..
Rupert: "Look, get out of here, okay? I'm trying to run a 'givl'ing business. Let's go! Now! Move it!" Rupert pushes the camera out of the Hello Deli.

I think what made Rupert so mad is he had to waste a good $4.95 sandwich for the bit.

4. Jim Hughes of Hadonfield, New Jersey.
Where's Hadonfield? "By Exit 4."
What does Jim do? "I go to Rutgers College."
What is the Rutgers mascot? "The Scarlet Knights."

Question for Dave: "I was wondering if I could put away the Late Show bear?"
Dave grants the lad permission. Jim runs backstage and down to the Late Show bear. After a brief struggle, Jim gets the bear put away. Unfortunately, Jim didn't shut the door fully because seconds later while Jim rested, the Late Show bear re-emerged and attacked poor Jim. Jim disappears in the clutches of the bear back to the Grizzly's den. Blood splurts.

And that was Who Asked For It?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: She's in "Happy Endings" now playing in selected cities.
So what does Maggie do to beat the heat we've been having? Back in her earlier days, she would put her bedsheets in the freezer. I've heard of that. Sounds good. She says, "First, get your sheets a little bit wet . . ." Dave jumps in, asking "How do you do that?" Maggie laughs and says that's totally up to the individual. You then put them in the freezer and when you're about to turn in for the night, put them on your bed. It keeps you cool for about 12 minutes. I liked how she said it keeps you cool for 10 minutes, then jumped it up to 12. It told me she was serious about the topic and wanted to get it right.

When I was growing up, I would sleep in the basement from June to September. I would smell moldy and musty, but I was well rested. If not in the basement, I would sometimes sleep on the tiled floor in my upstairs bedroom. And when I say 'my' bedroom, I mean the bedroom of me and my two brothers. Come to think of it, I didn't sleep in the basement by choice. I come from a family of 4 boys and 1 girl; the girl being the youngest. The 3 older boys slept in one room; in the other were my younger brother and baby sister. When my sister got a little older, when she started to grow bosoms, I guess, my brother had to move out and into the boys bedroom. Only 3 beds for 4 boys. The rule was the last one to bed had to sleep in the basement. I always liked watching the TV and never needed much nighttime sleep, so that was usually me. And when my drinking days came knocking, I was always the last one to bed. Plus, after a binge, it was always easier to walk downstairs to the basement than upstairs to the bedroom.

Maggie is also considering shopping for a new house in upstate New York. She's looking at two pieces of property, one 17 acres, another 24 acres. The 24-acre property has a 40-foot waterfall. Dave's eyes widened. He wanted to "up and out" right then and there to buy the darn thing. It sounded great. Maggie is still considering the deal. Is she worried about the neighbors? She says there is one house near the property that is a bit of an eyesore. The woman living in it is nice, but the house is not. Dave has a way of dealing with new neighbors and reveals what he says when he buys new property. He'll walk up to the people living nearby and simply say: "Play ball or I will crush you." It's a line that I've been giggling about for hours now. I picture Dave talking to a kindly grandma and grandpa who've been living in the area since they've been in knickers: "Play ball or I will crush you."

Maggie is in "Happy Endings" along with Tom Arnold, whom she says is a good actor. Dave is surprised. "He's a good actor?" he questions. Maggie says he really is . . . sensitive, funny, energetic, kind, and a bit bashful. Dave goes on, "He can act?" Maggie defends her co-star with honesty. I've heard very little about "Happy Endings" but what I have heard interests me. Unfortunately, since Lindsay Lohan isn't in it, I'll probably never get the chance to see it at the theater. I'll have to wait for the DVD. Yup, my life is controlled by two 9-year-old daughters. My life isn't really mine anymore.

JIMMIE WALKER: An old friend of the show. Jimmie wants to get right down to business as he never gets the time he wants.
He talks about the Michael Jackson trial:
-Michael's always going to the hospital - he's a quart low on color.
-$1,500 a day on makeup. Even Tammy Faye Baker doesn't spend that much.
-It is said that Michael Jackson is $270 million in the hole, so he's sued Wendy's. He said someone found his old nose in the chili.
Jimmie was in Vegas recently going on a rant about Michael. After a slew of jokes, up from the audience comes an old hobbling man. It is Michael Jackson's dad! He calls Jimmie every name in the book. He comes on stage with fire in his eyes. Jimmie says he's looking at me like a bad Denny's steak. When Michael's dad gets close enough, Jimmie says to the audience, "And here's the father of the guy I've been making jokes about all night!" The audience starts to applaud. Michael Jackson's dad turns around and waves, drinking up the love.
Jimmie was also working the big room on the Norwegian Cruise line. It's a much better ship than the first ship his people came over on. Jimmie's performance included a few jokes about President Bush. Things were going great. Dave interrupts: "Let me guess. Then his father came down from the audience calling you every name in the book . . ." Jimmie laughs, but that's not quite the way it happened. Everybody loved his jokes . . . except for 15 people out of 1,500. Jimmie was soon relegated to the midnight lounge in front of a handful. He had to perform with a disco ball twinkling over head.
Jimmie Walker: He'll be performing July 23rd through the 26th at the Laff Trax Comedy Club in the Outer Banks in North Carolina.
He'll also be hosting the "Soul Jam" concert on July 29th at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles.

ACT 5: It's the Dave double, the Paul double, and the Josh Wolf double at Rupert Jee's having a meal.

LYLE LOVETT AND HIS LARGE BAND: From his 1990 Pontiac CD, Lyle Lovett and His Large Band performed "She's Hot To Go."
Dang it if I don't have any Lyle Lovett CDs. The last time he was on I said I have to get some Lovett CDs but I've yet to get one. This weekend I'm picking up the Pontiac.

And if you're thinking about buying property and are a bit worried about getting along with the neighbors, buy this book immediately. It's Dave's new "how to" book, "Play Ball or I Will Crush You." Find it on the Amazon.

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 20, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

36 years ago, July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon. What always amazed me was we went from the Wright Brothers' first flight in 1903 to the moon in only 66 years.
Three things you may not know about the Neil Armstrong first footprint on the moon:
1. The size of the first footprint on the moon was 13 by 6 inches, the dimensions of Neil Armstrong's boot when he took his historic walk on July 20, 1969.
2. The footprints left by the Apollo astronauts will not erode since there is no wind or water on the moon. The footprints should last at least 10 million years.
3. Astronaut Neil Armstrong first stepped on the moon with his left foot.

So I'm up late Sunday night a few weeks ago and I click over to the TCM channel, Turner Classic Movies. I've started watching some of their Sunday night silent movie specials recently and that night they had the Harold Lloyd film, "Speedy." The pre-show tease from Robert Osbourne reported that Babe Ruth makes a cameo in the film riding the back seat of a cab. I like Harold Lloyd and thought seeing the Babe in the film would be pretty neat. . . . and it was. Good movie, lots of fun. And the Babe was on for more than a few minutes. They even had footage of the Babe hitting a home run at Yankee Stadium at the end. I sat there satisfied with my discovery of "Speedy" and wondered if anyone else I knew might be sitting in front of the tube after midnight at the end of the weekend watching the silents. Probably not, I mused.

And then on Tuesday, I read in my favorite newspaper column written by my favorite columnist, Phil Mushnick of the New York Post:

"Neatest watch of the weekend was the 1928 silent movie, 'Speedy,' Friday night on TCM. Harold Lloyd plays a cab driver who happens to pick up Babe Ruth. There's a fascinating scene in which Ruth, in the back of the cab, is driven on a wild ride throughout Manhattan before being dropped off at Yankee Stadium."

I was somewhat amused Tuesday night when I saw the report that President Bush had nominated Judge John Roberts for the vacant Supreme Court seat.
I had CBS on the TV and the reporter said the name "John Roberts" 20 or so times. He then concludes "Reporting for CBS News, this is John Roberts." CBS News anchor John Roberts has the same name as Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts. Yes, he smiled ever so slightly before signing off.