Hey! We're in High-Def! It's our greatest experiment in broadcasting since we aired on radio! Hopefully the high-def will last longer than that. And to enjoy the high-definition to its fullest, we supply some incredible real-life footage of bacon, sizzling in high-def. It was so real, my arteries clogged. We then get to enjoy some footage of stagehands taking a smoke break. It was so real, my lungs blackened. Dave is excited to be presenting the show in high-definition tonight. He exclaims that about 1 in 500 thousand is equipped to receive the technology and will be able to appreciate the exciting new feature. I'm not sure how it will affect my black and white Quasar.

Billboarding the program, Dave sighs, "That's what you want on your first day in high-def . . . a guy named 'Dick.'"

High-def or not, Dave still demands we practice safety first. Tonight, putting away the Late Show bear is Late Show production accountant Joe DeGeorge. Damn. I'm sitting here trying to think of something funny about an accountant putting away a bear, but I just don't know enough about accounting and finance to get any footing.
Sponsoring the Late Show bear tonight: Hooters! That's right, for just $1,000, you too can get your company T-Shirt onto the Late Show Bear. It's a great way to your company logo on network TV, and all for just a grand!

CBS is very proud of our broadcasting in high-definition, and they spared no expense in getting the word out. Did you see the promo the network proudly ran earlier in the night? It was done by the same excitable, high-pitched guy who usually does the Late Show promo for CBS.
Announcer:

"Tonight, don't miss the Late Show's premiere in high-definition television! What a complete waste of time!"

"Pat Robertson has called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. While the world has criticized Robertson's outrageous statement, Robert Blake would just like to say, 'How much you offering?' Robert Blake - Still loves killing people."

RUPERT LEARNS TO DANCE - Rupert recently went to "Dance Sport" at 1845 Broadway at West 60th Street to learn the art of dance. Why the new interest in dancing from the Hello Deli proprietor? Actually, Rupert doesn't care much for dancing. He went to the dance studio because we asked him to. Psst, Rupert, you were inspired by the new TV show, "So You Think You Can Dance" and that dancing show that had Evander Holyfield on it and Mr. Peterman from Seinfeld. That's why you wanted to learn how to dance. You went to the dance studio and we just tagged along. Next week, Rupert goes to a school to learn how to make pretend.

ALAN KALTER'S "I DON'T THINK SO" IN HIGH-DEFINITION.
Alan: "Thanks, D-Dog. On Sunday, the Iraqi parliament drafted a provisional constitution, which they hope to pass without the endorsement of the nation's Sunni population. I don't think so. (Clang)
Meanwhile, oil prices topped $70 a barrel, and gas prices are expected to average $2.75 a gallon by the end of the week. I don't think so. (Clang)
And this Wednesday, Martha Stewart will finally have her ankle monitor removed, leaving her free to go wherever she wants, and do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, Oh, I THINK SO!" (Alan grins a lascivious grin. Freeze.)
Alan V.O.: "For information on how your church or youth group can order a DVD of 'Alan Kalter's 'I Don't Think So' in High Definition,' send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Late Show, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York 10019. Back to you, D-Dog."

TOP TEN: SIGNS GEORGE W. BUSH IS HAVING A BAD VACATION - He's in the final week of his 5-week vacation, due to return to the White House on September 6th.
#9. Arrested at Crawford Mobil Station after trying to "Pump and Run."
#4. Just asked Pat Robertson to assassinate his travel agent.
#3. Flew down to Miami to put a cap in Suge Knight's knee.

JOHN MCENROE - John is back from a recent trip to southern Chile where he did some white water rafting. Also on the trip were Bobby Kennedy Jr., Dan Akyroyd, and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. (ed.note: This past week, I went to Hershey Park.) And for the very first time, John did some camping. (ed.note: While in Hershey Park, I went camping.) While camping, McEnroe was bit by bugs, he drank, and he ate avocado and peanuts. (ed.note: When I went camping at the Hershey Park campground, I was bit by bugs, I drank, and I ate s'mores and cheese sticks.)
John is in town for the U.S. Open and working as a commentator for CBS and the USA network. Dave says that at one time, he was a big fan of the game of tennis. Dave knew who was playing, what tournament was coming up, who were the top players, and he played a bit of the game himself. Dave knew all about tennis. Today, very little. What's the deal? John says much of the excitement of tennis, particularly men's tennis, is missing. The top players are all likable. There are no "bad guys." Guys like himself and Jimmy Connors didn't always see eye-to-eye and this created interest and intrigue. John says today's players are some of the best ever, but the individual and competitive flair is missing.
What about wood rackets? Any chance of wood rackets making a comeback? John says that although he loves the wood rackets, going back to wood would be like the Late Show going back to pre-high-def.

ANDY DICK: Uh oh. Not only does this guy have a screw loose, I think the screw became undone and it is now missing. Dave says to Dick, "Welcome back." Andy confronts Dave, "How many times have I been on?" Dave doesn't venture a guess. Andy tells Dave, "About 20 times!" A puzzled Dave informs Andy, "Well, you better enjoy this appearance." Andy seems to have a bit of the ire for being scheduled to do the show weeks ago but was bumped for Bill Murray. Andy says Bill was here to promote "Broken Flowers." "And how did that do?" questions a sarcastic Andy, a fellow who has "Bongwater" on his filmography resume. Dave replies with a bit of exasperation, "I wonder what Bill Murray was doing tonight?"
Continuing with his anger, Andy Dick goes on about something and provides an exclamation point by giving the finger. Dave explains, "That will sell a lot of high-definition TVs."
Dave has two photos of Andy he wants to share with the audience. The first is Andy's 1984 senior high school yearbook photo from Joliet West High School in Illinois. Before we can get a good look at is, Andy grabs it from Dave and rips it up with more effort than should be necessary for a grown man to rip a photo. Dave, unfazed, says "I think you tore up the wrong one." The next photo is of Andy in 1983 dressed as the school's Homecoming King. His slogan was "Why vote for a jock when you can vote for a Dick?" Seconds later, Andy rips up that photo as well.
I enjoyed the two segments with Andy Dick, but not for anything he did. He came on the show to be difficult, and Dave zinged and whacked every verbal confrontation presented. Many good, funny lines by Dave, keeping the offensive Mr. Dick on the defensive.

ACT 5: "It's time for the Late Show Back-to-School Word Scramble. Can you rearrange these letters to spell a common back-to-school item?" (the letters "E P N" appear) "Did you get it? That's right, it's 'Nep'! Kids, be sure to get yourself a nep before school starts! This has been the Late Show Back-To-School Word Scramble! Thanks for watching and drive safely!"

To close the show, much to the relief of the studio audience, the Late Show Bear puts away Andy Dick.

And that was our show for Monday, August 29, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

So I'm sitting in a bar Sunday afternoon...oh, hi everyone, nice to be back...I'm sitting in a bar on Sunday afternoon and the Met game is on in front of me, the Indy Car Race is on the set to my right, and the Little League World Series is on behind me. On the music box is "Lazy River" by Mills Brothers, followed by "Wild Horses" by the Rolling Stones, and some Ray Charles. The Mets were boring me and the car race had just finished. I usually try NOT to watch the Little League World Series because I feel it's become too commercial and too big for the kids involved. Leading up to the World Series, ESPN has games on at 11:00 PM and it's just not right. But since I had half a beer left, I decide to stay to the end of the game. Curacao is leading Hawaii by 3 runs, 6-3 in the last inning. No matter the sport, I like to see the champion celebration at the end of the game. Much to my surprise, Hawaii scores 3 runs in the bottom of the last inning to tie the score and send it in to extra innings. I order up another beer instead of going home to watch how this unfolds. During the commercial break between innings, the ABC network reports on the oncoming hurricane which is headed straight towards New Orleans. Yikes. "I'll have to watch a bit more of this later tonight" I say to myself. I become a bit puzzled when I sense the commercial break is going on too long. Then it dawns on me . . . the Little League World Series is not coming back. ABC has decided to leave the World Series to report on a hurricane. Gee whiz, was that really the right call? For one thing, if I'm living in New Orleans or Mississippi, it's a pretty sure bet that I am not watching the Little League World Series. I'm getting out of town, or at least watching one of the other channels for hurricane news. And if I'm not living in New Orleans or Mississippi and I wanted a dose of sports, I might be watching the Little League World Series. Unfortunately, due to the music wafting across the Depot Bar I could not hear TV announcer Brent Musburger's announcement during the last inning of the Little League game to turn the channel to ESPN2 to watch the rest of the World Series. For most viewers, they were pre-warned of the change in scheduling. I missed it. But what about those who do not have cable? What about those who watch TV using bunny ears? I guess they were out of luck. They can't get ESPN2 and they couldn't get the final inning of the Little League World Series. Who won? Check out the ABC or ESPN website.
ABC's coverage of the Little League World Series was of major league level. When the game was living the exciting comeback by Hawaii in the bottom of the 6th, the camera was pointing in the wrong direction, taking us too many times into the stands rather than to the field.
Oh, and ABC breaking off from the Little League World Series to bring hurricane updates had nothing to do with providing a public service to those in the path of the storm. There was no altruistic motive involved. They simply broke off to ensure the starting time of the primetime lineup was not jangled up. That's my opinion, anyway.

Over the break, I read a book by Mick Foley, former pro wrestler and WWE champion. The book caught my eye because it was entitled "Scooter" (Yankee Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto's nickname), it had a lot to do with baseball, a lot to do with the Bronx, took place in the 1960s and 70s, the author is a former student of SUNY at Cortland, and Mick made a cameo appearance on our taped piece welcoming Dave back from his heart bypass thing. The book was a very enjoyable read and I absolutely loved one line on page 76. He is describing watching Game 4 of the 1969 World Series, the New York Mets vs. the Baltimore Orioles. Tom Seaver is pitching for the Mets. During the game, to the surprise of everyone, weak-hitting Met shortstop Al Weis hits a home run. In the stands, Tom Seaver's wife Nancy celebrates. Writes Mick Foley, "The camera showed a happy Nancy Seaver for no apparent reason." Ahhh, he gets it.

This just in from Brent Bailey of Newton, Pennsylvania:

"Three year's ago Brent Bailey made his world wide debut with Dave and Paul playing Blues in F as a surprise Jazz Piano Guest. Brent was picked as a contestant for the Show Us Your Photos segment during Show #1860 on Aug 27, 2002 and was invited in the Theater to join the band. Brent still performs at the Logan Inn on weekends (www.loganinn.com). Stop by and say hello. Ask him for some Blues in F"

Speaking of Pennsylvania, I went to Hershey Park last week. Driving through the Keystone State, five times I was crushed in a traffic jam due to road construction. What's up with that? Maybe when they finish with the roads, I'll take a ride out to Newton and visit Brent at the Logan Inn.