Dave is still smarting over last week's defeat of his beloved Indianapolis Colts. The up and downs of the game nearly gave him the bends. Of course, it all came down to the Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt attempt at a 46-yard field goal. With 21 seconds left, it ended up wide right. Dave has lost sleep at night because of it. And that is why Dave wants Vanderjagt and the Colts to get a 2nd chance.
Out on 53rd Street, we have set up a makeshift football field with goal posts, yard markers and everything. Later tonight, Mike Vanderjagt will attempt to make that 46-yard field goal he missed last week. And holding the ball for Mike will be none other than the host, Dave Letterman. Dave's only fear is that he isn't kicked in the head.
That's coming up.

The Olympic Winter Games are right around the corner and everyone can feel the excitement. All the best athletes in the world are getting ready to head to Torino, Italy. And tonight we unveil our official 2006 Olympic Winter Games Preview.
We go to a clip. A very majestic art card appears: 2006 Olympic Winter Games. Torino, Italy. The graphic includes the Olympic torch. Trumpets are heard. . . . . . . and that's all we got so far. The Olympics aren't for another month.

"George W. Bush What?!" We started this earlier this week and we have another one tonight. From a recent speech:

"The reason I bring this up is Eddie said, 'I'm not going to wear long pants!' And I'm saying to myself, one of these days, the President is going to show up and Eddie sure enough will put on long pants. I didn't know him very well. I arrived here at this important school and he's got short pants on."

"Hey, Mad Dog, first time long time. I'm still not a believer in the Seahawks. I think Hasselback's due for a bad game and their secondary is suspect. So for the Osama 'Pigskin Pick of the Week,' I like the Panthers going away, 27-10. . . . . oh, and death to America."

Have you been watching the Lincoln documentary on the History Channel? Dave found it very interesting and couldn't help buy notice how Abraham compares to our current President, Mr. Bush.

Lincoln: Early in his career, was a lawyer.
Bush: Early in his career, hired lawyer to be DUIs

Bush: Opposes gay marriage.
Lincoln: Gay marriage wasn't an issue, but he certainly thought Jefferson Davis was a good looking man.

Lincoln: Never found Osama bin Laden.
Bush: "See! I'm just like Lincoln."

Lincoln: His likeness appears on the penny.
Bush: His likeness appears on bumper stickers reading: "Don't blame me --- I voted for Kerry.

Bush: Knew Strom Thurmond.
Lincoln: Knew Strom Thurmond

Bush: Happily married.
Lincoln: Hung out in D.C. bars asking women if he could "Emancipate" them from their skirts.

Lincoln: Shot in the head while watching a play
Bush: Laughed his head off while watching "Big Momma's House 2"

Bush: Coined the phrase "Axis of Evil"
Lincoln: Invented the sexual maneuver called the "Lincoln Leg Lock"

Bush: Proceeded in office by a man who had an improper relationship with an intern.
Lincoln: Once had an improper relationship with his hat

Lincoln: I.Q. over 120.
Bush: IQ under "4 score and 7"

Back from commercial:
We take a look outside at the 53rd Street Football Stadium to size up the 46-yard field goal that Vanderjagt was about to attempt. The weather was not in his favor.
Temperature: 40 degrees.
Wind: From the West at 10 MPH.
Vanderjagt would be kicking into the wind, towards Jersey.
Dave says he just got a call from the commissioner's office. If Mike Vanderjagt makes the field goal tonight, the game last week will count as a tie.

All over America, sports fans are gearing up for the Super Bowl. As we get closer to the big day, Dave decides to get some analysis from our announcer, Alan Kalter.
Alan: "Thanks, Dave. The game I'm looking forward to this weekend is the Broncos hosting the Steelers. After last Sunday's victory over the Colts, Pittsburgh is riding high. So when Denver humiliates them on the field, it'll be that much more satisfying to watch the Steelers and their loser fans sobbing like the little princesses they are. Back to you, Dave."
The camera remains on Alan as if something is about to happen. Dave is waiting for something to happen, too.
Finally, Dave asks: "Thanks, Alan. But isn't this where a guy dressed as a Pittsburgh Steelers fan is supposed to come out and beat you up?"
Alan (a bit sad): "Yes, Dave. But he's not coming."
Dave: "Why not?
Alan: "Well, Dave, it's a long story . . . ." Alan rubs his chin, which is the universal sign for a gliss. (I haven't written that in a long time)

We fade into a video clip. We see Alan walking down a city street. Brian, the beefy guy who usually beats up Alan, is beating up another. Alan, shocked at what he sees, can only say "Brian?......"
Brian, embarrassed to be caught beating on another, responds, "Alan? No, it's not what you think! Wait . . . ." Alan quickly walks away, hurt.
We see Alan forlornly sitting at a bar. He takes out a photo. He misses the old days. It's a photo of Brian beating up Alan from a past show.
We see Brian out on the street looking up at an apartment window, obviously Alan's. Brian runs to a pay phone and dials Alan.
Alan, in his apartment, picks up just as Brian hangs up.
Sad, so sad.

Cut back LIVE to the Late Show. We see Brian off to the side of Alan in the audience. He tries to explain to Alan.
Brian: "Alan, I had to talk to you. Please don't be mad. That other guy I beat up . . . he meant nothing to me."
Alan, happily to forgive: "Oh, Brian, how could I stay mad at you?"
Alan opens his arms for a hug.
Brian advances to embrace, but instead, but instead beats Alan to a pulp, then exits. Brian, never to leave a job undone, returns and finishes the pummeling.
Dave is overcome with emotion, wipes a tear away from his eye.
Dave: "Thank you, boys. Very heartwarming. And somewhat creepy."
A very well produced and written piece. I laughed. I cried. I ate a cookie.

MIKE VANDERJAGT: He's the most accurate kicker in NFL history. This year, his field goal percentage was 92%, making 23 in 25 attempts. He was 7 for 8 from outside 40 yards. He's the real deal.
Game
Mike says he feels if the attempt is inside 53 yards, he should make it. Why did he miss the 46-yarder last week? Mike believes that all the Steeler fans on the left side of the stadium blew at the same time. Mike's miss was wide right.
Mike says he was the most surprised guy in the stadium when he looked up to see that he missed. He hit it right; it felt right, it sounded right. It went way right.
During the game when the Colts were down 21-3, Mike did some quick math in his head and figured for the Colts to tie it would take two touchdowns, a two-point conversion, and a field goal. He thought it would eventually come down to him. When the Colts responded with two touchdowns and a two-point conversion, the score stood at 21-18. Yes, it would come down to Mike. Mike says whenever the offense crosses the 50-yard line, he starts to prep for a possible field goal. When the Colts defense is on the field, he turns into a fan just like anyone else. He sits and enjoys the game. When the Colts unexpectedly got the ball back late in the game, the offense promised him they would get him close enough for a field goal. The Colts eventually got to the 28 yard line. The offense lived up to their end of the bargain. 28 yard line, plus 10 yards for the end zone, plus 8 yards for the snap back to the holder, made it a 46-yard field goal attempt. And you know the rest.

And now to make it all right again. Dave and Mike head outside to 53rd Street to kick the field goal that wasn't last Sunday.
With the high price of official NFL footballs, I went outside to stand by the goal posts to retrieve the kick. These footballs have a way of disappearing when they go outside. It's New York.
I see Dave and Mike come outside during the commercial break. With them is the Indianapolis Colts long snapper, Justin Snow, and the holder Hunter Smith. Playing the part of Hunter Smith tonight will be Dave Letterman. I'm not sure what was shown on the show and what was practiced during the commercial break, but I saw Dave take a few snaps from Justin Snow. I think Justin slowed down the snap just a bit for Dave. If Dave is reading this, then no, Justin didn't take anything off the snap. Earlier in the day, I made a few copies of Vanderjagt and the holder, Hunter Smith, in game action. I wanted to make sure Dave knew the responsibilities of the holder. I pointed out that Hunter held with his left hand. His right knee was flat on the ground. In fact, the entire lower portion of his right leg was flat on the turf. With a kicker having to be so precise, I wondered if Vanderjagt would want as much the same as the real thing as possible. I showed Dave the photos. We later learned that Vanderjagt didn't care with which hand Dave held the ball or how he knelt.
It's time for the kick. Dave points to the spot where he will place the ball. He receives the snap from Justin Snow. He places it down, spinning the laces out towards the target. Vanderjagt approaches and kicks. It is high enough! It is long enough! It is . . . . .. GOOD! GOOD! GOOD! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! Whoa, Doctor. I can't believe what I just saw! Holy Cow! It's a Ballentine Blast! It's good and it counts! Kick save and a beauty! Sorry.
I wasn't inside to watch on the monitor how the kick unfolded. I was outside to retrieve the ball. Maybe you saw me. Lower part of the screen. Opened flannel shirt. Down by the goal post. I raised my arms like a ref signaling the kick was good. I didn't get paid extra for that.

CHERYL HINES: From HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." What's it like working with Larry David? She says she once went to lunch with Larry and he would not get up to use the bathroom because he didn't want to pass somebody's table and say hello. (That's odd? I do that all the time)
Cheryl flew down from Canada where she is making a film directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. He's a strange coconut. What's it like working for him? Cheryl says you have to stay focused when working with Barry. He'll show up wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, and a bright pink cowboy shirt and insists on directing from a saddle . . . and Cheryl doubts he's ever been on a horse in his life. She imagines he would be allergic. Plus, he sits there high in the saddle with his braces on his teeth and his bad back. When he's not on the saddle, he's lying flat on his back.
Cheryl is from Tallahassee, Florida. One of her first acting jobs was at Universal Studios, re-enacting the "Psycho" shower scene ten times a day. She would be dressed in a flesh-toned body suit and get stabbed over and over again. Tourists loved it.
Another gig was for modeling. She was extremely flattered when her agent called her with the news. No audition was required. They hired her on her picture alone. The modeling job? She was cast as a "before" picture in an ad for hair perms. Cheryl was the bad perm. She says she didn't even have a perm at the time.
Cheryl is currently the producer of "Campus Ladies" seen on the Oxygen Network, Sundays at 10:00. What does a producer do? "Not much" says Cheryl. Mainly, "I make sure nobody is stealing office supplies."

ACT 5: It's the kick in slow motion. 46-yards out, into the wind. Never in doubt.

"We have just received word from the commissioner's office that Sunday's Steelers-Broncos game will be delayed by one hour to accommodate the sudden death showdown between the Steelers and Colts.
Please adjust your Tivos accordingly."

ANNA NALICK: From her CD, "Wreck of the Day," Anna performed "In The Rough."

Before saying good night, Dave reads another message we received from the NFL's commissioner's office:
"We have received another message from the commissioner's office. If the Colts beat the Steelers in overtime Sunday, the AFC Championship game will move to Monday and be played in Indianapolis. Once again, set your TiVos accordingly."

And that was our show for Thursday, January 19, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

So during rehearsal, I played Mike Vanderjagt. In my years of playing football, from 10 to 18, I've played every position but kicker and punter. I never could get any distance on a field goal no matter how hard I kicked. I went out to 53rd Street and saw the set up at the 36-yard line. Yikes. It may as well have been a mile. When it came time for me to kick, all I wanted to do was get some height on the ball so the camera could follow it and give them an idea, a very small idea, of what to expect later for the show. I kicked . . . and got good height right down the middle. And the ball landed on the 20 yard line. It traveled 26 yards. Maybe, MAYBE, it would have been high and far enough for a professional extra point. Later I'm told by the Control Room that from the camera angle behind me, it looked as if I missed the 46-yard field goal by inches. They were right . . . . I missed by 720 inches.
And then when I saw Vanderjagt kicking before the show, I realized my mistake. I was trying to kick as hard as I could and I was coming up short. Vanderjagt was kicking nice and easy with his hands in his pockets. So THAT'S the secret . . . .

Looking at the Colts 2005 schedule leading into the playoffs, I saw that they lost 2 out of their last 3 games. Granted, they had everything sewed up by then but you don't want to go into the playoffs losing 2 of 3. And the one game they won was 17-13 against the lowly Arizona Cardinals. Their last 4 games, including the Steeler game, the high-powered Colts offense scored 17, 13, 17, and 18 points; losing 3 of those games. What does all this mean? It means they lost to the Steelers in the playoffs. That's all.

I just thought of this. Peyton Manning changes a lot of plays at the line of scrimmage. Can't one of the networks have a microphone down on the field to hear exactly what he is barking? I think it would be interesting. I remember about 100 years ago being able to hear Joe Namath calling signals on the field. We can't do that today? Oh, yeah, I forgot. We can't hear Manning because we have to listen to the announcers plugging some product. Here's an idea: "This change of play from the line of scrimmage is brought to you by the Olive Garden. Olive Garden --- Yumm!"

One of the Lincoln vs. Bush jokes cut during rehearsal was:

Bush: Spends Birthday having dinner with family.
Lincoln: Spends birthday going to Macy's for the big "Me Sale"

I'm not sure why, but I really liked this one.

Hey, horse fans, did you place a wager on "Letterman's Humor" down at Gulfstream Park in Hallandale, Florida yesterday? #11 "Letterman's Humor" ran the 9th race at 20-1 odds. If you plunked down $10 . . . . you lost $10.
Results:
1. Istan
2. Wanderin' Boy
3. Zoffinger
A recap of the race from some racing website:

ISTAN unhurried early, circled rivals four wide on the turn to catch WANDERIN BOY racing into the stretch, then drew clear through the final eighth under pressure. WANDERIN BOY set the pace off the rail, responded when challenged by ISTAN leaving the turn but was no match for that rival in the final eighth while continuing on with good courage for the place. ZOFFINGER outrun early, swung out for the stretch run and closed to be up for the show while no threat to the top ones. ITSAWONDERFULIFE allowed to settle, passed tired rivals in the drive. SIPHON CITY tracked the pace three wide around the turn and tired. CARROTS ONLY raced in striking position into the stretch, then faltered. HAL'S IMAGE chased the pace along the rail, made a run at the leader racing into the turn, then gave way. ROGUE AGENT failed to menace. RUNNINTOTHEALTER moved up chase the leaders three wide around the turn, then had nothing left for the drive. LETTERMAN'S HUMOR was not a factor. MIGHTY MECKE showed brief foot and faded. NOTGONAGETEMTODAY was through early.

Starting next week, a new Wahoo feature: Suggestions I make for the show that are ignored.

Tuesday's show is #2500. Sure it's a milestone, but I'm most excited about the possibility of free bagels at the morning meeting!