It's Tuesday night, the night we pay a visit to our good friend Rupert Jee of the Hello Deli. On the way in, Dave calls for the camera to back up. He saw a guy who looked like Hal Gurnee's younger brother, Larry Gurnee. Who be Hal Gurnee? He's long time director and old friend of Late Night and the Late Show. He's still talked about with great admiration around here. He'd retired from the show a good 10 years ago.

WHAT'S IN THE APPLEBEE'S CUP?
You know the story. An Applebee's restaurant here in New York City mistakenly served a 5-year-old a Long Island Iced Tea in his sippy cup instead of apple juice. A Long Island Iced Tea contains vodka and rum. Apple Juice does not . . . unless you're sitting in the bleachers at a Yankee game. Tonight we're going to have a contestant drink from an Applebee's cup and have him or her guess the contents. While Rupert goes to find a participant, Dave has a show to put on.

ORRIN HATCH ASKS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS - The questioning portion of the Senate Confirmation Hearings for Judge Samuel Alito's Supreme Court nomination started today. He is being grilled by members of the Senate. One tough question was posed by 5-term United States Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah:
O.H.: "Do you think women and minorities should be prevented from attending college?"
Judge Alito: "No, I don't"

Ohhh, nice try, Senator Hatch. Almost caught him off guard. Dave does a funny impression of other tough questions asked of Alito:
"How do you feel about cufflinks? Riding mowers?"

And speaking of United States Senators, Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy has written a children's book. Dave isn't sure it's sending the right message. The book title: Green Eggs and Ham, Home Fries, Buttered Toast, a Side of Bacon, Waffles, Sausage Patties, Corned Beef Hash, and Four Jelly Doughnuts.
Announce: "The Late Show --- sticking it to the man since 1993!" $$$

And speaking of Applebee's, instead of shying away from the drink mistake in New York, they've gone in the other direction and are using it to their advantage. Did you see their new commercial?

Announcer: "Looking to unwind after a stressful day with the kids? Why not come to Applebee's and sedate your child with one of our delicious Kid Cocktails? Whether your little one prefers a suave martini or a fruity margarita, we'll knock your kid out like a grouper in no time flat, so you and your spouse can enjoy some quiet time together. And don't forget to ask about our prescription-strength tranquilizers for the husky ones. Applebee's: Eating good in the neighborhood."

WHAT'S IN THE APPLEBEE'S CUP? Back to Rupert's. We find him with Ann Meyers of LeGrange, Illinois.
Dave exclaims, "LeGrange, Illinois!" Ann pipes up, "Know it?" Dave quickly bounces back, "No."
Hey, wait. Ann Meyers . . . isn't their a famous woman athlete by that name? I'm picturing UCLA basketball. I'll be right back. Googling "Ann Meyers".
Ann Meyers: UCLA basketball, 1974-1978.
Highlights:

"In 1978, Meyers graduated from UCLA owning 12 of 13 school records and leading the Bruins to the AIAW national championship. She was rewarded with the Broderick Cup, the Heisman of women's intercollegiate athletics, as both the Outstanding Collegiate Basketball Player and Female Athlete in the country.
She was the first woman to receive a full athletic scholarship from UCLA. She was the first woman player named to Kodak's All-America team four straight seasons and the first woman elected to the UCLA Athletic Hall of Fame. She played on the first women's Olympic team that earned a silver medal at the Montreal Games in 1976. She was the first woman player drafted by the Women's Basketball League (WBL). She was the first woman player to tryout with an NBA team, the Indiana Pacers. Long before her enshrinement into the Basketball Hall of Fame, Meyers became the first woman to have her uniform on display inside Dr. Naismith's shrine."

What is this Ann Meyers doing in New York? Her sister woke her up this morning and took her on a trip to New York City for her 21st birthday. Dave explains the game to Ann. We have an Applebee's cup filled with an alcoholic beverage. It's up to Ann to determine what is in the Applebee's cup. But first, Alan will tell us what the beverage is.
Alan, in a whisper: "Dave, made with 1 ½ oz. gin, ¾ oz. lime juice, poured over ice and topped with club soda: it's a Lime Rickey."
And what are we playing for? Alan: "Dave, it's a Conair Blow Dryer!"
Before continuing, Dave asks to see some I.D. Ann shows her license, with the birthday 01/06/85. Ah, she just made the age by a few days. As she holds up her driver's license, Dave notices her nice nails. "Are they French tip?" he wonders. Yes, she got them done in Chicago. Dave says they don't look like an east coast job.
OK, let's play. A 30-second clock goes up and Rupert offers Ann Meyers of LeGrange, Illinois a sip from the Applebee's cup. Ann Meyers' first guess:
- vodka tonic? No, sorry. Dave advises her she has 21 seconds still on the clock.
- spritzer? No, not a spritzer.
- a gin and tonic? Nope.
Dave asks Rupert to take a pull on the Applebee's cup. Rupert guesses, "Tequila?" Nope again. It's a Lime Rickey. Ann's face reveals no recognition to the drink, "Lime Rickey."
Dave has Alan re-read the ingredients to a Lime Rickey. Alan calmly scurries through his nearby papers to find the script; the cue card guy thinking his time was done. Alan reads the ingredients to a Lime Rickey.

And that's how we play, "What's in the Applebee's Cup?"

Dave has become a fan of the ABC reality show, Dancing with the Stars. He finds it fascinating how professional dancers try to teach celebrity non-dancers how to waltz and rumba and samba and twist and then have judges and home viewers vote on who . . . suddenly, off camera we hear an angry Alan Kalter cry out, "Oh, horse'djoy', Dave!" A surprised and alarmed Dave asks Alan if he has a problem. "Horse'djoy'," Alan repeats. There is something about "Dancing with the Stars" that Alan is vehemently against. He is greatly angered. Alan continues in his angry mode.

Alan: “You heard me, princess! ‘Dancing with the Stars’ is complete horse’djoy’. I know they get big ratings and lots of buzz around the water-cooler, but the whole show is a sham. ‘Oh, sorry Alan, we’ve already filled up all of our slots. No, Alan, I’m afraid you’re not a big enough star for us. Forget it, Alan, audiences don’t want to see you shake your sorry ass on TV.’ Like hell they don’t!”

Of course, since The Wahoo Gazette is a family publication and does not print expletives, to decipher ‘djoy’ and ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘djoy’ and ‘givl’ on your keyboard. Got that, ‘djoy’heads?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON: from the new Woody Allen film, Match Point. She was last here back in 1998, seven years ago when she was only 13 years old. At the time, the LATE SHOW would often give out canned hams. After that show, she asked one of the producers if she could have a canned ham. Of course, the canned ham was given . . . and that canned ham still exists in her mom’s refrigerator back home. It’s become part of the family. A concerned Dave wonders if the ham is safe, asking if it is bulging or if it is throbbing. Scarlett says the ham continues to live happily in the fridge and does not notice any problems developing. Dave adds, “Because when we got them they weren’t exactly fresh . . .” Scarlett is a Manhattanite and recently took her grandma to get a haircut. Scarlett likes to keep a low profile when going out and on this day wore a baseball cap and a hooded sweatshirt. She figured this would hide her identity and allow her to just blend in. Of course, proud grandma couldn’t keep it a secret as to who Scarlett was. She would proudly say to the hairstylist regarding her granddaughter, “Does she look familiar to you? Have you been to the movie theater lately? You know, she’s normally very pretty without the disguise on.” Scarlett was mortified, but that’s the job of a grandma.
For New Year’s Eve, Scarlett went out with friends to a big sushi dinner, dining on raw lobster. Raw lobster doesn’t look or taste like the lobster we are familiar with; raw lobster being clear and chewy. You can’t really bite it; you just have to swallow it. She admits that by the 5th course, most of the party had become a bit nauseous. Dave says, “It’s time like this where it’s nice to be able to say you have a ham in the fridge back at the house.”
Back from commercial we see a shot of Scarlett on our show from 7 years ago. Of course she was embarrassed by the picture, as anyone would be of a photo when they were 13 years old. Yeesh, what an age, although I thought she looked quite nice for a young teen. And Dave had a little gift for her . . . a jar of mustard to go with the 7-year-old canned ham.
Match Point – in selected cities now.

TIKI BARBER: All-Pro running back for your New York Giants. He gained a total of 2,390 yards from scrimmage this year, both running and receiving, the 2nd most in the history of the NFL. He set numerous franchise rushing records this year for the longtime New York Giants and was the main reason for the team winning the NFC East. Unfortunately, the Carolina Panthers roughed up the Giants last Sunday, 23-0. Ouch. Yeah, that hurt. After the game, the newspapers insinuated that Tiki claimed that the Giants were outcoached by the Panthers coaching staff. Tiki explains that he tried to compliment the fine job done by Panther head coach John Fox and meant nothing else by the statement. Plus, Tiki is familiar with John Fox as he was a former assistant coach for the Giants. He was merely tipping his hat to the familiar friend. Tiki is disappointed that the season ended when it did. It’s every players dream to win the Super Bowl. Everything else is secondary. Tiki’s twin brother, Ronde, won a Super Bowl three years ago with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Ronde is still a member of the Bucs and is here tonight in the green room. We take a look and find Ronde in a Tampa Bay hat waving to the camera. Coincidentally, Ronde is wearing the exact same clothes as Tiki. I’ve read stuff like that how twin will sometimes think the exact same thing at the same exact time. I guess when the two were getting dressed this morning they decided to wear the exact same thing, except Ronde added a Tampa Bay hat to his ensemble.
Tiki and Ronde have written a series of children’s books about their life growing up. The two we see are both colorfully illustrated and quite enjoyable from a youngster’s point of view. Who does Tiki like in the Super Bowl? He’s going with the Seattle Seahawks vs. the New England Patriots. Dave, of course, is hoping for his Colts to make it to the big game. Tiki knows this and could have kissed up, but didn’t. Good for him. Dave mentioned the newspaper photo of Giants QB Eli Manning about to be trounced by a behemoth Carolina Panther lineman. Dave was somewhat amused by Eli having his eyes closed tight before the impending impact. Tiki can understand what Eli was going through at that moment and explains it so we could all understand. He suggests for Dave to run into that brick over there as fast as he could and see if he can do it without closing his eyes. It can’t . . . happen.

ACT 5: It's the Lime Rickey party at the Hello Deli. There's Rupert with Ann Meyers and the LATE SHOW models, with celebrity Alan Kalter

Apologies to Imogen Heap. Someone's dancing caused us to run out of time. I enjoyed her music during rehearsal. Very creative. Look for her CD, "Speak for Yourself," in stores now. We'll have her back as soon as it is convenient for her.

Hey! Just heard Wednesday morning that Imogen will be here tonight. Tune in.

And that was our show for Tuesday January 10, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Alan Kalter rarely fails to make me laugh at his antics. He acts that crazy and odd and perverted side to him that comes off as having a hint of truth behind it. It's what makes his performances work. It made me think back 10 years or so when Alan was hired to become the new announcer for the LATE SHOW. I remember the auditions. Each morning we would have a few applicants do some voiceovers and perform the opening announce for tape in the edit room. There was at least a dozen who came through the door, probably a lot more. I doubt we knew what we were getting when we decided on Alan Kalter to be the LATE SHOW announcer. The voice booms, of course, and that's why he was hired, I imagine. But this other side has been such a blessing. Alan Kalter delivers time and time again.

How could I forget yesterday to mention my colonoscopy this weekend? All went well. The doctor found nothing. Five years till my next visit. It didn’t start out well, though. I got to the doctor’s office at 12:30 PM, just as it stated on one of my many medical papers. The woman behind the window exclaims with a sigh (“exclaims with a sigh” . . . is that possible?) . . . “but you’re not supposed to be here till 1:30.” I do not become alarmed. I simply scan through my pages of forms and show her the “12:30” hand-written on the time to appear. She scoffs again, alerting me that I have a problem with the secretary, not with her. I have yet to say a word. I smile and tell her it’s OK, that this is America and I expect things like this to happen. (see “Lowe’s”; “Home Depot”; “Boston Chicken”; supermarkets; any Bradlee’s in the United States). I sit and wait, wondering why a member of the doctor’s team was so quick to give up a teammate. Where’s the camaraderie? Where’s the team spirit? Where’s the loyalty to one another? She takes care of my paper work as I nap in one of the chairs in the waiting room. Finally at 2:15 I’m called in to start my procedure. I was going to mention to the woman behind the window that it was 2:15 and not 1:30. The start of my procedure was 45 minutes later than my arrival time she had stated. But I kept quiet, realizing that this is America and such things are to be expected.
In the examining room, the doctor makes the small talk, mentioning Bill O’Reilly’s visit to the LATE SHOW earlier in the week. I was a bit afraid to tell him what I thought until I knew what he thought, considering where he would be going in a few seconds. I decided to say as little as I could and simply agree with whatever he said.
The doctor did his business while I watched on a monitor of what the telescopic camera saw. To my untrained eye, I thought things looked pretty smooth and clean. I was glad the doctor saw it the same way.

From today’s New York Post:

“The number of NYPD cadets sworn in yesterday was 25% below the department’s target, a possible result of the new police contract that slashed the starting pay for rookies.
Mayor Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Ray Kelly admitted that the $15,000 reduction in starting pay, to $25,100, could dramatically affect future recruitment – and, eventually, the number of cops on the street.”

What would you do for 12 bucks an hour?