We love the Olympics, but since the rights belong to NBC, we canst show any of it. To get around it, we've come up with this idea. It's the Out of Focus Olympic Highlights. Tonight, it's Seth Wescott winning the Gold in the Men's Snowboard Cross. I was so emotional watching that on NBC, that that's the way I actually saw it.

Dave appreciates the capitalist system of working hard and getting ahead, but he doesn't like when someone tries to capitalize on someone else's misfortune. This morning when Dave was buying his weekly sundries at Duane Reade, he found this unfortunate item. It's Cover Girl's Birdshot Concealer. We see a photo of Harry Whittington on a box of concealer; a type of make-up to cover blemishes and/or imperfections on your face. Looking at the photo of Harry Whittington, Dave says, "And in defense of the Vice President, Mr. Whittington does have the features of a bird. I laughed and laughed at this. The photo used did indeed reveal Mr. Whittington's resemblance of a bird, and I think I knew just the bird Dave was thinking of. I pictured a house finch looking much like Whittington. I Googled the image of a house finch but none quite fit the Whittington look.

A MESSAGE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE: The White House was annoyed to learn that the mainstream media will devote another week to coverage of Vice President Cheney's hunting accident. They are desperate to get this story off the front pages, but Dave is not sure about the strategy. We see the announcement.
Announcement:

"We here at the White House are anxious to move beyond the Vice President's unfortunate hunting accident. That is why we encourage the press to report the other important issues the American people need to know about, such as:
-Vice President Cheney illegally leaking the name of a CIA operative
-His stonewalling of Federal prosecutors
-His shady Halliburton dealings
-His sweetheart tax giveaways to fat-cat contributors
-His call for expanded drilling to benefit his oil buddies
-His efforts to block campaign finance reform
-His being in the pocket of big business
-His allowing of lobbyists to author energy legislation
-His secretly-crafted health care proposals which benefited pharmaceutical companies
-His manipulation of intelligence which led us to an unnecessary war
Dick Cheney: Just a big bowl of bad.

BIFF HENDERSON'S SIDEWALK OLYMPICS: We sent Biff out to the streets of New York City to put together his own Olympic games.
-we see a guy perform figure skating ice maneuvers without the benefit of ice
-two dogs, Bubba and Bella, compete in a 100 meter race. The dogs are not interested
-the 2-man taxi bobsled - two guys pushing a yellow cab down the street, then jump in and ride the rest of the way.
-Speed smoking - at the end, the guy says, "I can't feel my legs."
-We meet Bob Costas - actually, a kid no taller than 4'6"
-We meet baby Zoe who can go for minutes without blinking.
-The 2-man luge, and the 3 man luge. Biff leaves the lugers so then can enjoy some private time.

STEPHANIE AT THE OLYMPICS - Dave had asked his mom if she would go to the Winter Olympics for us but she declined. She had another gig; a book signing or something. Plus, we wouldn't meet her price. So we sent Stephanie.
We find Stephanie in Torino, Italy. There is a slight delay in communication, which always makes for some awkward . . . . "fun." I notice when the cable news shows have a delay, you will usually see a split screen. The anchor person will ask a question. After a beat, the visual will switch from the split screen to a single shot of the other person. This switch creates an "action" on the screen which covers the motionless and clumsy delay. After the person answers, there is a slight beat, then back to the two shot of a single shot of the anchor person. These camera changes help disguise the delay. At least that's what I notice.

-is it cold in Torino? Stephanie says it is, "it's like 5 degrees," then adds a moment later, "but that's in Celsius."
-See the Coliseum? No.
-See Vatican City? No.
-The Pope? No.
-How's the lasagna? Stephanie hasn't had any lasagna.
-How was the flight? Her flight was delayed for 2 hours. When she put her foot rest down, it squished the foot of the flight attendant. Stephanie was punished for this by not being served a meal. Dave points out that it's "not really a punishment." On the flight, a guy got drunk and passed out next to her. We see a shot of the sleeping drunkard. I find a sleeping drunk is the best kind.
-Dave advises, "We've been told it is 41 degrees. 5 Celsius is 41 degrees. Stephanie responds, "oh.'
-Where Stephanie staying? She is staying at some woman's house. It's kind of creepy. The woman's clothes are still in the closets. We see Stephanie's arrival at her lodging. We see her walk and walk and walk, lugging behind her two pieces of luggage. She comes upon a local who asks her a question in Italian. Stephanie responds, "No Italiano. American. American television." The guy sighs an ‘I should have known' sigh and repeats, "American." We then see Stephanie's troubles with getting into her room. The locks would not cooperate.
-Did Stephanie go out and enjoy the nightlife? No, she was too tired so she stayed in and watched TV. We see a shot of a static-filled television set. It looked like a guy in a wheelchair who was given the power to walk. I tried to listen and I think I may have heard Al Michael's "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"
-We say goodbye to Stephanie who will be in Torino for the rest of the week.

JIMMIE JOHNSON: Winner of the 2006 Daytona 500. Jimmie started racing as a lad in southern California. We see a photo of Jimmie as a 6-year-old standing along side his mini-dirt bike. Very impressive. Dave asks, "How's you get your parents to let you ride a motorcycle?" Jimmie says his parents were into it and involved with it from the start. He actually started riding at 4 years old. Were his parents in Daytona to see his big win? Jimmie says they were not; they watched the race from their home. They've discovered the best seat to watch a race is in your living room with a refrigerator a few feet away and a bathroom down the hall. And speaking of bathrooms, in a 500 mile race, has Jimmie ever had to . . . . relieve himself in the middle of a race? Dave says he can't go from here to Hartford without making a stop. Jimmie hasn't had to but he knows some who have. He says you can tell the ones who have because they will pour some Gatorade on themselves to disguise the smell and appearance.

Dave and Jimmie talk about the race and some of the mechanics of the cars. Cars now can get going up to 250-260 mph which has become too dangerous a speed. Regulators have been installed in the engine to keep down the horsepower and speed. This has resulted in a maneuver called "bump-drafting," which is ramming the car in front of you to make both of you go faster. This is very dangerous and even more dangerous on the turns. NASCAR has introduced "spotters" to watch out for the problem and penalize drivers who practice this aggressive driving. (I don't know what I'm talking about. How am I doing?)
Jimmie's crew chief Chad Knaus was ejected from the Daytona 500 when he was caught on a rules violation. NASCAR found the window on Jimmie's car had been tinkered with to increase the aerodynamics. Jimmie was unaware of the "adjustments" being made to his car. Jimmie then raced the Daytona without his crew chief . . . and won. And he has the victory ring to prove it. It's a shiny and bling-filled. It looks like it would be hard to get your racing gloves over a thing like that.

ANDY DICK: Andy thanks Dave for letting him come back. Apparently last time here, Andy wasn't himself . . . . . or maybe he was himself and that was the problem. Either way, Andy apologized for his behavior. I don't really remember Andy's visit, but his is how I wrote it up.

From the Wahoo Gazette - August 29, 2005 - finishing the recap of Andy's visit:

"I enjoyed the two segments with Andy Dick, but not for anything he did. He came on the show to be difficult, and Dave zinged and whacked every verbal confrontation presented. Many good, funny lines by Dave, keeping the offensive Mr. Dick on the defensive."

ACT 5: Are you the sole winner of the $365 million Powerball jackpot? Check your tickets! Here's the winning combination:
15, 17, 43, 44, 48, and a Powerball number of 29!
And now, here are the losing combinations:
7, 14, 19, 23, 39, and a Powerball of 20!
11, 16, 28, 41, 46, and a Powerball of 33!
2, 6, 24, 26, 37, 42, and a Powerball of 18!
10, 12, 27, 28, 45, and a Powerball of 9!
For a complete list of billions of losing combinations, visit Powerball.com, and better luck next time!

And that was our show for Monday, February 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

This just in: the Department of Homeland Security just hired a wolf to guard the hen house.
I wrote the above Monday morning. The same joke appeared Tuesday in the New York Post, therefore I will not credit the Post for this joke. And I'm sure the joke was thought of by millions of others as well.

Did you watch any of the NBA All-Star game Sunday? You needed a treasure map to find it. It was hidden on TNT late Sunday night. Growing up, the NBA All-Star game was the one basketball game of the year I would be sure not to miss. The highlight was watching small guard Nate Archibald go wild on the court. For years, poor Nate was stuck on a small-market team like the Kansas City/Omaha Kings. The team was not very good and rarely was offered a national audience. The All-Star game was Archibald's only chance to shine in front so many, and shine he did. I remember one behind-the-back and through-the-legs pass that I still can't figure out how he did. It was great fun to watch him play. He was a magician with the ball.

And I don't like it when singers botch up the National Anthem by putting their own spin on it, but Marvin Gaye sang the anthem "his way" before an NBA All-Star game that was so incredibly great that the crowd starting clapping along in rhythm. I would like to hear that again. Those are my two memories of the NBA All-Star game. So I found the game on TNT last night and this is what I saw. How can a league and its players who pride themselves on being hip and cool and the being the people's game, how can they approve the uniforms they wore last night? If you didn't see the game, the East wore blue shorts and a white and blue shirt. The West had a similar design; red shorts and a white and red shirt. This was the problem - The East had blue shorts. The top half of the shirt was white, the bottom half of the shirt was blue. The blue shorts matched up with the blue part of the shirt. Therefore, the uniforms made it look like they were wearing their blue shorts half way up their chest. The same with the West; red shorts pulled up to their nipples. It looked ridiculous. I quickly turned the game off. The only thing that could have kept me with the game was if Nate Archibald were playing.

This just in: the Bush Administration has just hired Billy Joel as their designated driver.

Olympic snowboarder Lindsay Jacobellis fell as she was show-boating just short of the finish line to lose out on a Gold Medal. While taking the final jump in her race, Lindsay decided to do the jump with a flair as she grabbed her snowboard in mid-flight. She ended up falling and a snowboarder from Switzerland sped past for the win. Many are berating Lindsay for the unnecessary maneuver that cost her the Gold. Me? I'm not so upset by it. If Lindsay were involved in a team sport and her "Look-At-Me" celebration cost her team a championship, then that would be different. The only person she hurt here was herself. Plus, it seems that snowboarding takes on a different breed of people. I know I'm talking in generalities and stereotypes and about a subject I know very little about, but I see snowboarders as free spirits who do not place winning and losing at the top of their needs list. They seem to revel more in the style and free-spirit and artistry of snowboarding rather than in who wins and who loses. (total guess-work here. Just going on my impression) Lindsay Jacobellis doing what she did is what I would expect from a snowboarder. I expect the next generation of snowboarders to be different, though, when those getting into the sport will want to win more than create.

This just in: The Bush Administration just named Howard Stern to head the FCC.

Presidents' Day Trivia:
-President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested during his term of office. He was convicted of exceeding the Washington speed limit on his horse and was fined $20.
-President William H. Taft was once offered a contract to pitch for the Cincinnati Reds.
-President William Howard Taft was a seventh cousin twice removed of Richard M. Nixon, and was a distant relative of Ralph Waldo Emerson.
-Three U.S. presidents have been the sons of clergymen: Chester Arthur, Grover Cleveland, and Woodrow Wilson.
-Three Whigs have served as president of the United States: William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, and Millard Fillmore.
-President William Howard Taft, weighing 325 pounds at the time, had a special bathtub installed at the White House which was big enough to hold four men.
-President William McKinley always wore a red carnation in his lapel for good luck.
-Two towns in Vermont claim to be President Chester A. Arthur's birthplace, but recent research supports his opponents' charges that he was born in Canada, and therefore, was not eligible to be president under the U.S. Constitution.
-President William McKinley had a pet parrot that he named Washington Post.
-President William Taft kept a cow on the White House lawn to supply him with fresh milk. He was the last president to do so.
-U.S. President George Washington, was the first person to breed roses in the U.S. Washington laid out his own garden at Mt. Vernon and filled it with his own selections of roses.
-President Woodrow Wilson, known as "Tommy Wilson" to his classmates at Davidson College in North Carolina, was fined 20 cents in 1873 for "improper conduct in the hall".
-Ulysses S. Grant apologized upon leaving the White House for errors of judgment, not for errors of intent. He was known for being personally honest but surrounded by dishonest people.

This just in: Homeland Security has just named Willie Sutton to be in charge of the Treasury Department.