We had a bit of excitement last week around the theater. There was a bit of some larceny around the corner at the delicatessen. A ne'er-do-well decided to take something that did not belong to him and then leave without paying for it. The chase was on. And the chase led to 53rd Street and Broadway. Down 53rd Street they ran. Our security team spotted the fleeing misdemeanor and quickly put a stop to it. A melee evolved. Before you knew it, the guy was launched through the window of Rupert's Hello Deli. (The report will state he fell.) Dave shows a photograph of the shattered window at Rupert's. And the next photo shows drops of blood on the sidewalk. The broken window was something new. The blood droplets in front of Rupert's is pretty common. The police were called and the fellow was taken away.

And now more of the story. The above incident took place Thursday morning. My brother was in town from Arizona. We went out for "breakfast." As we walked back to the theater, I saw the commotion in front of the Hello Deli. I was a bit disappointed that I wasn't asked to portray a police officer in this bit. Why wasn't I asked? Not till I made a quick study of the situation did I realize that this was real and not a piece for the show.

Special night tonight. All night long in the lobby, two guys will be putting up post-it notes to create a portrait of our own Biff Henderson. Of course this isn't the first time we've had Biff's portrait done.
Biff's portrait on past Late Shows:
-a tattoo of Biff on a kid's thigh
-ice sculpture
-Legos
-dominoes
-cheese

Tonight, Todd Coats and Charles Mangin of a marketing firm in Raleigh, North Carolina (CapStrat) will stick 1,700 post-it notes on a wall to create a Biff. They once created an Elvis Presley portrait using 2,700 post-it notes at work. Dave asks, "Office supplies?" Yes. "On company time?" Yes. I read where they created the Elvis portrait to inspire the fellow employees that it is possible to do a lot with a little. I think we prove that here every night. Dave has the lads start the procedure and Dave is immediately impressed at their synchronization. They each stepped up onto a short platform and started the process in perfect unison. It was very professional.

Word on the street is that CNN is growing concerned over Larry King's advanced age and his questionable behavior. Dave saw this promo the other night and thinks there may be something to that. We see a clip.
Announcer:

"Tonight on CNN, don't miss the best primetime in cable news. Start your evening with 'The Situation Room' at 7, as Wolf Blitzer looks back at the first three years of the Iraq War.
Then at 8, 'Paula Zahn' looks ahead to the 2006 mid-term elections.
And it all wraps up at 9 as Larry King once again forgets to wear anything besides his suspenders." (see a doctored clip of a shirtless Larry King in nothing but his suspenders)
"Only on CNN, the most trusted name in news."

We check back in with the Post-It guys. There may be 40 or so Post-its on the board. Exclaims Dave, "My gosh! That's Biff!" Dave sees it but I don't see it yet. That's just one reason why he has a show and I don't.

Dick Cheney appeared on "Face the Nation" with Bob Schieffer on Sunday right here on CBS. What he said, shocked.
Cheney: "I've worked very closely with / the President / for five years. / He ignores everything that's going on."

And this is a new segment, something we call, "George W. Bush Inspiring Our Nation's Elderly." We see the President in a March 15th speech in Maryland. Right there in the first row is a woman who is fighting with all her mite to stay awake. It is a losing battle. Throughout the speech we see the woman with her eyes closed; nodding off to the soothe sounds of Bush 43.

Back from commercial, we check in on the Post-it guys. They are a little further along. I still don't see it developing. Dave asks Biff what he thinks. Says Biff; "I see the resemblance."

Before the show, Alan Kalter . . . our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentlemen . . . asked Dave if he could says a few words if time permitted. We were running a bit late but since it was in the script, we decided to go with it.
ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. Like everyone in the broadcasting industry, I was shocked to learn that Mike Wallace is retiring at the age of 88. So I just wanted to thank him for his unswerving commitment to journalistic integrity, for his fearless interview style, for his tireless work ethic. But Mike Wallace's greatest contribution to television? Finally stepping aside so we can see more of that fiery hellcat Lesley Stahl."
Alan turns to another camera. Lights dim. Sexy sax music is heard. Alan speaks in a lascivious manner.
ALAN: "That's right, Lesley. I've been watching. I see the hungry look in your eyes when you introduce Andy Rooney. The way you tramp yourself up to seduce the truth out of powerful men. And judging from the way you work that big, heavy microphone, I can tell you're a lady who can handle what Big Red's got. So if you're tired of guys who give up after only 60 minutes, just remember that my clock ticks all night long. Tick . . . tick tick tick. . . . tick tick tick tick tick . . . Oh, God . . . . . . tick tick tick . . ."
DAVE (interrupting): "Okay, Alan, you're making us all sick."
ALAN: "Tick."
DAVE: "Stop it. Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen."

TOP TEN: Reasons Dick Cheney Won't Resign - he went on "Face the Nation" yesterday and confronted the speculation that he may step down in light of all the troubles he's faced recently. He's determined to finish out his term.
#10. Trying to fix up Condi Rice with his daughter.
#6. Wants to see if he can help Bush get his approval rating under ten.
#4. Wants to stay on the job until every country in the world hates us.
#2. Undisclosed location has foosball table and whores.

DENZEL WASHINGTON: Denzel enters and he and Dave each perform the tie dance; tugging on the lapel of their jacket making their ties dance back and forth. Denzel's new movie is entitled, "Inside Man," which opens Friday, and when Dave was watching it, he found himself saying, "My life would be so much better if I was Denzel."

Denzel's son John, whom he's spoken about on the show before, graduates this year from college. His son played football and is eligible for the upcoming NFL draft. Will he be drafted? One can only hope, but they've already got the agent lined up. Denzel, the proud dad, then says that his daughter just got accepted to an Ivy League school. And he's teaching her how to drive. Yikes. How old is she? Denzel says, "Too young to drive." At 16, Dave couldn't wait to drive. Now that he is a parent, he thinks the driving age should be raised to 18, and then to 25 when Harry turns 17. And then to 30 when Harry's 24, and so on and so on.
Are Denzel's children interested in going into acting? And if they are, would Denzel pull any strings to get them along? Denzel says he would pull strings, ropes, chains, anything to get them in and get them along. Did Denzel have someone in his life that helped him along when he was breaking into acting? Denzel credits a college professor for getting him on the right track. Dave? Dave also credits a college professor; and includes Mitzi Shore and Johnny Carson and then mentions the list can go on and on and apologizes to those he's left out.

Denzel's new film, "Inside Man" opens Friday and co-stars Jodie Foster. A little known fact about Jodie is she always wears the same clothes and undergarments when working on a film. He admits it's a bit weird. Dave thinks it's a bit weird that Denzel knows about Jodie's undergarments. Oh, Hollywood, it's a different life than ours.

ACT 5: It's more of the Post-It Note guys hard at work on their portrait of Biff Henderson.

DIABLO CODY: She's the author of the provocative new memoir, "Candy Girl: A Year in The Life of an Unlikely Stripper." Earlier in the show, CBS orchestra member Will Lee asked if the book contained any pictures. Unfortunately, no. Dave so enjoyed the book that he honored it with a place on the brand new "Dave's Book Club." And he has a thousand questions to ask.
Diablo worked at an ad agency writing copy for radio. She was unsatisfied and terribly bored with what she was doing. Her eye caught hold of an ad for amateur night at a strip club . . . and the rest is history. An interested and curious Dave says that when most people become bored at work they think to themselves "I would rather be golfing, but you . . ." Diablo jumps in . . . "I said I would rather be naked." So she went to the amateur night. She quickly found out that amateur night at a strip club is not very selective. A heartbeat is the only requirement. And she was soon up on stage dancing. Over the year in Minneapolis, she danced topless and she danced fully naked. She found that if the locale serves alcohol, you can only dance topless. If it is a "juice" bar, you can dance totally naked. At the fully naked venues, she would be paid $60 to have pretend-sex with a clothed customer. The club would get $21 bucks. She looked upon her one-year fact-finding mission as an adventure, as if she were an anthropologist. She likens herself to a naked Margaret Mead. What kind of clientele did she experience? All kinds. The worst were the guys who were at the strip clubs every day; all day. Nothing you could do could excite them. The best were the young, nervous, newcomers. A simple grind and they were hers.
During the segment, Diablo used two phrases that were quite catchy.
-"If this writing stuff doesn't work out, I'm right back on the pole."
-"Go hard or go home."
Is Diablo her real name? Says Diablo, "No, it's 'Brooke.'"

To close the show, we see Biff and the Post-It Note guys one more time. How did the portrait turn out? Some were able to see the likeness. I was not.

And that was our show for Monday, March 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

The Post-It portrait of Biff reminded me of something at a place I worked years ago. Somebody put up on the wall an image of Jesus. Or it was supposed to be Jesus. It was a bunch of black dots and smudges that when looked at a certain way, it would look like Jesus. I couldn't see it. All I saw was black dots and smudges. Others looked at and saw Jesus. They told me that Jesus was looking right at you. I stared and stared at it but I could never see the image. There may have been 5 or so photocopies of the image around the building. There was no religious message behind it; it was more of a curiosity thing. It got to the point where I ignored the image since it just looked like a Rorschach to me. And then one day I was walking down the hall and my eye caught one of the photocopies hanging on the wall. . . . and there was Jesus staring right at me. It scared the hell out of me. For months I looked at that thing and never saw anything. And then when I least expected it, BANG! There it was, staring at me as I walked down the hall. Jesus was looking at me. Was there a message? Was Jesus trying to reach out to me? I don't know. I was so shook up that I went to lunch and had three beers.

This is a bit dated but last Friday I'm watching the Bucknell/Arkansas game in the March Madness NCAA basketball tournament. Bucknell is at the line, leading by 2 with about 20 seconds left. The director shows us something we don't need to see while the Bucknell guy shoots his first foul shot. I curse the director. We come back to the action while the ball is in the air. The shot misses. The player has one more shot. I say to myself, "I hope the director learned his lesson not to go away from the LIVE action. He almost missed the shot of the guy taking the foul shot." No sooner do I think it than the director decides to show us a graphic of Chevrolet's Players of the Game for each team. Again, we return to LIVE action while the ball is in the air. Jiminy.

So far the highlight of this NCAA basketball tournament for me was the Bradley/Pittsburgh game. I'm sure I'm not the only one who noticed this, how could you not notice, but I laughed when I saw the score in the lower right hand corner of this game. The teams were abbreviated: Brad Pitt.

Fab Faux fans: two new dates. If you like the Beatles, you'll want to see the Fab Faux.
April 1 at the Keswick Theater in Glenside, Pennsylvania.
April 23 at the Nokia Theater in New York City.
Check 'em out and check out their website, www.thefabfaux.com

Busy weekend celebrating St. Patrick's Day. Saw lots of old friends; told lots of old jokes. And I made 4 soda breads. And I've come up with a new idea! The soda bread hat. It would look sort of like a beret with a two-inch silver band that stretches over the perimeter of the head, which then expands to a loose hat in the shape and appearance of a raisined soda bread. It would be a big seller in March. I just have to figure out how to expand it to the other 11 months.

I was out of the NCAA Tournament bracket pool after the Monmouth/Hampton game.