Cold Open: scripted this way: Dave and former Late Show writer Gerry Mulligan sitting in the green room.
Dave: "So, Oprah held a press conference to tell everyone she's not a lesbian. She has a really close female friend, and they hang out a lot, and they travel together, so some people just assume that there must be something going on. But Oprah says no, nothing going on there. Do you believe that?
Gerry: "Dave, I know what you're getting at, and it'/s okay. Everyone already knows you're as gay as a French horn." (leaving) "Hang in there, Liberace."

Today is the 37th Anniversary of man landing on the moon (yeesh, 37 years.). NASA is observing the Apollo 11 occasion with this commemorative announcement
The Moon Landing: A Look Back.
Announcer:

"On July 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon. Meanwhile, a bitter Michael Collins was forced to remain in the lunar command module where he became the first man to take a leak in his fellow astronaut's water bottles.
This ha been The Moon Landing: A Look Back."

Kevin Eubanks found that to be pretty funny.

First Oprah denied it, and since she's such a trend setter, others feel the need to do the same. Dave saw this on Al Jazeera. We see Osama with his friendly sidekick.
Osama: "I would like to address some issues that are out there. We are not gay. He's just my jihad buddy. We do normal things together like spend months hiding in a cave, getting lonely and bored and . . . . well. . . anyway, it's none of your business. Right, dollface? Oh, and death to America."

Suddenly, a man on fire runs through the theater. Oh, my. He runs this way and that. He then runs out the guest entrance where he is immediately doused with an extinguisher.
And then Alan:

"Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Uncle Jerry. Unfortunately, what you've just seen is all too common at this time of year during the forest fire season. Every year, hundred of thousands of acres in the U.S. are consumed by wild fire. You can help.
Make sure your campfire is put out completely.
Don't light a fire when it's excessively windy.
Keep an extinguisher handy at your campsite.
And don't mix campfires and horseplay.
Have a safe summer, from your Uncle jerry, the Late Show, and the U.S. Forest Service.
Back to you, dumbass."

HOT SUMMER PRODUCTS
1. The Bush Administration has come up with a useful summer product that makes light of recent troubles. It's White House Sunblock in SPF's of Recent Bush Approval Ratings. We see three containers of SPF with Bush on the front with a rating of 31, 33, and 34.
2. Hey, mom, if the kids are asking for a cool frosty snack, give them these: Delicious Protein-rich Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticksicles.
3. You want the cool clip-on sunglasses look, but you wear contact lenses? No problem, thanks to Lenscrafter's Clip-On Sunglasses for Contact Lenses. (tiny clip-on sunglasses the size of contact lenses.
Cut to Kevin Eubanks who found that quite funny.
Dave throws the card backstage and instead of hearing a crash, we hear "I'm sorry, the glass crash sound is not available. Please try again later." Dave points out that the blue card landed nowhere near the window.
4. Main course and dessert are rolled into one with this new offering from Vermont's Star Duo: It's Ben & Jerry's Backyard Barbecue Flavor Ice Cream.
5. Say goodbye to those heavy, bulky picnic coolers. Just right for transporting a couple of grapes, it the new super-small igloo cooler. Dave opens the tiny cooler which holds 3 grapes.
6. High gas prices are hurting everyone this summer. But you can still plan an economical family vacation if you consult AAA's Downhill Only Driving Destinations manual.
7. The Iron Horse of Broadcasting has inspired this summer's hottest style of swimwear: It's the Larry King Suspender Swimsuit. It looked like hockey pants.
8. Show everyone on the beach you advanced state of consciousness with this stylish accessory: The Stars of Scientology Beach Towel. We see Tom Cruise, L. Ron Hubbard, Katie Holmes, Kirstie Alley, and I believe Paul Shaffer.
9. He's in the news with his long-range missiles and his hostile rhetoric. And now you can look like Asia's favorite crazy dictator with these: Kim Jong Il's Sunglasses. Dave puts them on. And then we see a splitscreen of Dave and Mr. Il. Nearly identical.
10. Seems like these days, everyone's got a swimming pool. Make your pool the prestigious cooling-off spot of the neighborhood with this ultra-hip accessory: Celebrity Pool Water: Sean Connery. We see a big jug of water with hair floating in it, among other skimmed garbage.
11. Here's a clever idea that helps recycle summer cookout scraps and trash, while helping to keep you protected from the sun's damaging rays. It's the Barbecue Leftovers Sun Hat. It's a hat of garbage.
12. Who doesn't enjoy relaxing on the wicker chaise lounge? Take the experience to the next level with these: Summertime Wicker Shorts.
13. Turn you next backyard barbecue into an out-of-the-ordinary Jihad of flavor with these imported delicacies: Al Qaeda Brand Goat Dogs.

And that was just some of this year's Hot Summer Products.

Dave is excited to have him here tonight. Dave introduces the President and CEO of 7-Eleven, Incorporated, Mr. Jim Keyes. Keyes enters and addresses the audience.
7-Eleven CEO, Jim Keyes: "Thanks, Dave. It's my pleasure to tell you that last week's promotion was a huge success! In honor of last Tuesday's date being 7/11, the Late Show arranged for free Slurpees and Big Bite Hot Dogs for anyone who came into a 7-Eleven store and said 'Dave sent me.' Well, we ended up giving away over sixteen million Slurpees and hot dogs!" (applause)
"Thank you. It's been such a hit that we're extending the promotion throughout the rest of July. And we're making it even better. Say 'Dave sent me' and you'll now get the Slurpee, the Big Bite Hot Dog, and a 7-Eleven Bakery Muffin! Plus you're automatically entered in the drawing for a brand-new Hummer H-3!
Thanks again, Dave, for sponsoring this wonderfully generous promotion! See you all at 7-Eleven!"
Jim Keyes exits. Paul, confused, asks Dave, "Was that really the President of 7-Eleven?"
Dave answers, "Uhh, you know, I'm not sure. I really couldn't say."

TOP TEN - Signs You're Watching a Bad Beauty Pageant
#10. It's broadcast on the Animal Planet Network.
#5. Described as an "Inner Beauty" pageant.
#4. It's hosted by the decomposed remains of Bert Parks.

To close up the Top Ten, Paul sings Michael Jackson's "Bad." The final line Dave sings along, "Who's Watching a Bad Beauty Pageant." I laughed.

MARTIN SHORT: His new 6-person one-man-show is coming to Broadway. Previews for "Fame Becomes Me" begin July 29th. Opening Night: August 17th at the Bernard Jacobs Theater. Martin enters and gushes to Dave, "I have never seen a funnier show than tonight! Martin has been married for 25 years and recently renewed their pre-nup.
His new musical one-man show is loosely based on the Christmas parties he and wife threw over the years. The show is great fun and everyone involved is funny and fantastic. Martin admits that in this point in his career, he'd simply settle for a cast with good hygiene. He describes one show he did years ago where he worked with an actress who had the worst breath he ever experienced. It was like a possum blew up in her mouth. Martin learned to give his line and then hold his breath. Breath mints did not work since the badness was coming from deep within. The breath mint only made it smell like peppermint in a morgue. Dave asks Martin to expand on the smell. What did it smell like? Martin is not sure where Dave is going with this. Dave leads Martin on . . . "It smelled like . . . . somebody's couch . . . " Martin says, "Oh, yes, it smelled like John Goodman's couch." Dave says, "no no, not John Goodman's couch . . ." Martin is still not quite sure. Dave adds, " . . . . Kaye . . . " Martin's "ah ha!" light comes on in recognition and says with hesitation, "oh yes, it smelled like Kaye Ballard's couch." Dave laughs and laughs. Martin tells Dave that is the last time he IM's Dave. Dave says he was looking forward to Martin saying "Kaye Ballard's couch" all day.
And who is Kaye Ballard? I sensed she was a name on Broadway but I knew her from the TV show from the late 60s, "The Mothers in Law." It followed Disney on Sunday night. I remember it because the 4 main characters used their real first names as their names on the show.
Kaye Ballard was Kaye.
Eve Arden was Eve.
A Jerry guy was Jerry.
And a guy named Roger was Roger.

Dave always enjoys Martin's visits because he usually has prepared a nice number to perform. And tonight is no different. But tonight, Martin wants Dave to join in. Will Dave participate? Dave at first refuses, but Martin urges him to do so. Martin recalls how he and Dave performed together years ago in the all-white version of The Wiz. Why not perform together again?
MARTIN: "You know that it's all right. You can do it in spoken word. Robert Mitchum sort of manly way. I've got cue cards for you I think you'll surprise everyone. With your brassy baritone.
DAVE: "I'd really rather not."
MARTIN: "You'll be fabulous. Hit it, Paul.
'Wherever we go.'"
DAVE: (spoken) "Whatever we do"
MARTIN: "We're gonna go through it together. We may not go far."
DAVE: (spoken) "But sure as a star"
MARTIN: "Wherever we are it's together.
Wherever I go.
I know he goes.
DAVE: (nothing - sipping coffee)
MARTIN: "Not fits, no fights, no feuds and no egos, Amigos, together. Through thick and thin,
All out or all in
And whether it's win, place or show,
It's you for me . .
DAVE: (nothing - going through his blue cards)
MARTIN: "We'll muddle through whatever we do, Together
Wherever we go."

Martin finishes the number while sitting on Dave's lap. Nice job, both. Could they be the new Producers?

ACT 5: A shot of Pink, her crew, and our crew setting up.

PINK: From her CD, "I'm Not Dead", Pink performed "Who Knew".

And that was our show for Thursday, July 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

All that talk yesterday about pickled eggs got me in the mood for some. In a dilapidated bar I would frequent back in the 80s served pickled eggs and Slim Jim. That was their entire menu. And maybe some beer nuts if the bartender didn't get to them first. The pickled eggs were kept in a large jar behind the bar. They sat there week after week after week. I may have been the only one to eat them. I'll be making a jar full for my next party. It'll bring a lot of laughs about the good times. I'll bring out the eggs right after I bring out the Rheingold, Schaefer, and Ballentine.

I watched "Walk the Line" the other day starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, the story of Johnny Cash. It was your typical "good guy goes bad on drugs, struggles, relapses, then recovers for a happy ending" movie. Great performances by Joaquin and Reese. There were a couple glimpses of Joaquin that looked exactly like Johnny Cash. And the music was fine fine fine. It made me grab my Johnny Cash cassette for my ride into work . . . before the transmission gave out in the minivan.

I've been taking the bus back and forth to work since the family car went down. I hate taking the bus but I have to admit I see things and experience things I never would if I drove. And that's hard to do because I usually keep my eyes down and avoid any chance of contact with people. It's just my way. I really don't like people all that much. I'm afraid if I make eye contact, a conversation might start and I certainly don't want that. So I take the bus to the George Washington Port Authority at 178th Street then take the A Train down from there to 59th. I exit the subway and soon a guy bumps me. I ignore him and continue walking but I notice he stopped as if I bumped him, not the other way around. Now I usually would continue walking but out of the corner of my eye I could see he had a light green, happy-type shirt on. It seemed clean and cheery, not an "off the floor and I wore it yesterday, too" shirt. How tough could the guy be if he's wearing a shirt like that? I decided to stop and question his attitude towards me. Hey, he knocked into me. I should be mad at him! As I take a couple steps his way I notice it's one of our cameramen. Heh heh heh. He bumped me on purpose. He's the only guy I looked at the entire ride into the city.
New York City - where you can see thousands while at the same time, see no one.

Which reminds me of a story. Ten years ago after work, I hop on the subway at 59th Street. I find a seat. I quickly open my newspaper and read an article I had already read. Sitting next to me is a woman who has her head buried in a magazine. I notice she is wearing shoes similar to my wife Denise. 7 stops and 120 blocks later at 181st Street, I get up to get off. The woman next to me does the same. The woman was Denise. We rode 120 blocks shoulder-to-shoulder without realizing we were sitting next to our spouse. Neither of us looked up once the entire ride.

Oh, dang it! I forgot to mention the Louisiana Catfish Festival the weekend of July 7-9th in Des Allemands. It was the 32nd annual. I was in Des Allemands 25 years ago and did a bit of the catfishing. I was a guest of Father Mac, a very popular figure in those parts and the creator of the festival. "Des Allemands - Catfish Capital of the Universe" is how he billed the event.
Does anybody have a T-Shirt from the festival with the name Des Allemands on it? I'll trade you a Late Show T-Shirt for it. Contact me first.

ACT 5 for Friday. I put in a request, if at all possible, to get my prom picture into an ACT 5 shot. Why? Because Saturday is my high school reunion and I figure a lot of us will be getting an early start on Friday. I imagine we'll be at the bar at around 12:20 AM. I just might mention to the beer-tender to turn on CBS just for a minute. I'm expecting a good reaction, followed by the bartender saying, "That was you?!"