Cold Open: We find Dave with our executive producer in the green room. They are seated on a sofa. Dave is explaining the movie The Lake House starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. He goes on and on. Finally, Jude looks over at him and sighs, “Shut . . . . . Up!”

And right after the monologue, Dave notices a problem with the vertical hold. He walks over to the camera and gives it a whack. Just like back in the 60s, banging the side still works. To this day, whenever the cable goes down or the TV goes on the blink, I’ll ask, “Did you try banging the side of TV?” It’s a joke just for me. If others are amused, all the better. Other times I’ll say, “You got to let the tubes warm up.”

Dave is cautious to talk about life with his two-and-a-half year old Harry, not wanting to sound as if he thinks he’s the only one ever to have a child. Most every adult goes through the joys of parenthood and they all have amusing and cute stories about their children. Dave is no different but is wary of entering the realm of boring when he talks of Harry. His stories about his son are just one of the millions of stories parents have of their young ones.
Dave says how having a child is sometimes like giving birth to a tape recorder. A child is so curious and full of wonder that they are always exploring, always looking to learn. And every now and then, a child will say something that perfectly reflects what you yourself have been known to say. This weekend after hours and hours of playing “Hide the Kitty,” little Harry walks up and says to daddy, “Daddy, why does country music suck so bad?”

That was quite a U.S. Open at Winged Foot Golf Club in Mamaroneck, New York this weekend. It was a very tough course as the winning score was 5 over par. Did you see Phil Mickelson on the 16th hole? This should be enough to convince anyone just how tough a course it was.
We see Mickelson lining up his putt. He shoots and it looks as if the ball is right on target, but just as the ball approaches its mark, the hole moves 4 feet to the right. How can you play on such a course? The same thing happens to me whenever I play.

How tough was the course? So tough that famed legendary golfer Tiger Woods didn’t make the cut. He was so upset that he phoned Dave this morning to ask if he could make an appearance just to let everyone know he is OK and will work harder next time to do better. Dave jumped at the chance to have Tiger on the show. Dave introduces the future Hall of Famer, but instead of Tiger Woods, we get a fat guy on a bicycle pretending to be Lance Armstrong. The guy rides the bicycle across the stage and out through the back of the theater. Dave is confused. That was a fat guy pretending to be Lance Armstrong. Where is the guy who was supposed to pretend he was Tiger Woods? Uh oh. There’s going to be a meeting after the show.

GEORGE W. BUSH TWO WORDS NEVER BEFORE SPOKEN BY A U.S. PRESIDENT.
After a lovely graphic, we see the President at a podium saying, “Lionel Richie.”

Let’s head over to Rupert’s. Rupert keeps his place open from 7:00 AM to around 5:00 PM. Dave thinks it would be wiser if Rupert kept his place open so instead of all the theater goers heading over to Sardi’s to await the reviews, they could head over to Rupert Jee’s Hello Deli. Rupert considers but succumbs to the, “ahhh, it’s been a long day, you know.” Fair enough, I guess. So why are we at Rupert’s tonight? Because the other day we sent him out to spread the World Cup fever. We see the videotape of his journey.
- We see Rupert with a guy who can’t name 10 World Cup players. He can’t name 5. He can’t name 1. Is there any person on earth he can name? The guy thinks a moment and says “Matt Lauer.”
- In soccer you can’t use your hands. Can a pedestrian eat a burrito without using his hands? We learn, yes he can.
- We see pedestrians attempt to pronounce the names of various soccer players. The only one successful was a tourist who could pronounce “Ed Bell.”
- We see a guy rip off his shirt and run around like a lunatic as if he just scored a goal.
- Does an athletic cup really work? We put it to the test. Rupert shoves one down his pants and another guy hit him in the crotch with a baseball bat. Rupert goes down. We see it again in slow motion.
- More attempts of tourists and New Yorkers attempting to pronounce the names of soccer players. Finally, an elderly woman complains, “Honestly, I have no ‘givl’ing idea.”

And that’s how Rupert spreads World Cup fever.

TOP TEN: Things That Went Through Geoff Ogilvy’s Mind After Winning the U.S. Open. And here to present tonight’s Top Ten list, your 2006 U.S. Open Champion, Geoff Ogilvy.
#10. “This is one of those things you never forget, like seeing John Daly in the locker room naked.”
#9. “I wish I hadn’t put all my money on Phil Mickelson.”
#8. “Even I’ve never heard of me.”
#7. “Now I can take a vacation from the grind of playing golf all day.”
#6. “Crap . . . now I’m gonna have to go on Letterman.”
#5. “After all these years, I can finally use my ‘World’s Greatest Golfer’ mug”
#4. “I can quit my day job at the Outback Steakhouse.”
#3. “What would Reteif Goosen do?”
#2. “I hope this victory isn’t overshadowed by America’s World Cup excitement.”
#1. “Thank you, Balco.”

ADAM SANDLER: Adam’s newborn is 6 weeks old. In a short period of time, 3 of Hollywood’s best-looking actors became fathers: Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Adam Sandler. What are the odds of that? And what are the odds of Adam Sandler being mentioned in the same good-looking category as Cruise and Pitt. I guess anything is possible in America.
Adam is very protective of the child in the incredibly dangerous environment called a house. Everything is a threat to life and limb. Adam has been busy making the home less life-threatening and has changed his habits to ensure his little daughter’s safety. When driving and he sees a green light, he knows it will eventually turn yellow and then red so he’ll slow to a crawl before proceeding. His dad was different behind the wheel. When dad saw a yellow changing to red, he’d speed up. It’s sort of like the 5-second rule. Drop a piece of food on the floor and if you pick it up within 5 seconds it’s still clean enough to eat. If a light changes to red, you’re still allowed 5 seconds to go through it.
Adam and his wife recently returned from a trip to Mexico. It was their first trip away from their newborn. They arrived in Mexico and as soon as they got into their room, they found a bat flying around inside. Adam’s wife hid under the covers while Adam called the front desk. They waited for help . . . and waited . . . and waited. No one can sleep restfully with a bat flying overhead in your room. Plus, Adam didn’t pay for a bat in his room so obviously he did not want a bat in his room. If he wanted one, he would have paid the extra bat fee. Finally, someone from the hotel made it to the room. Adam pointed out the flying bat. The guy didn’t even blink. He approached the bat and caught it in his hands. He offered to Adam, “Do you want to see? Do you want to see?” Adam says he does not want to see. The guy said one more time, “Do you want to see? Because it is not a bat . . . it is a black butterfly.” DOH!!!
Adam stars in the new film, Click, which opens Friday. It is one of those high-concept films where Adam’s character can control time; pausing, fast-forwarding, reverse time, but use of a magical TV remote control. It also stars Christopher Walken, whom Adam considers either the greatest actor on earth or a guy who just learned English. Also in the film, David Hasselhoff. I laughed at Dave’s excitement over David Hasselhoff.
Click – it opens Friday.

LATE SHOW PRIZE WONDERLAND: Dave is in a generous mood. He’s decided to start something new as a way to show how much we think about our studio audience who are as much a part of the show as anything else we put on stage. As a way of showing our thanks, we’ve decided to create a LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland where one member of the studio audience can pick out one free gift from a vast array of wonderful items. The scrim rises and Alan Kalter announces what we have on display.
Alan: “Hi, I’m Alan Kalter, TV’s Uncle Jerry. That’s right, Dave, it’s the Late Show Prize Wonderland where one lucky audience member can win a big screen TV, or a brand new recliner, a tiffany-style table lamp, or a new bicycle. What’s it going to be? Find out on the LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland. Back to you, Dave.”
Dave instructs Alan to pick tonight’s winner.
Alan turns a drum filled with names of our audience members. Alan reaches in and picks out: “Josh Conway of Fort Lee, New Jersey. Congratulations, Josh, Come on up and choose a prize!” The camera scans the audience and it finds the very happy Josh Conway in the very seat Bill Lehecka was sitting in just the other day. Josh comes running up and checks out the bicycle, eyes the big screen TV, sits in the recliner, and then catches a glimpse of the lovely tiffany-style table lamp that looks very expensive but isn’t. Josh decides on the lamp and takes it off the shelf to show Dave his choice. Josh holds it high over his head with glee. Unfortunately, the lamp was plugged in and when he removed it from the shelf and tugged, the rest of the shelf came tumbling down, followed by the TV, the bicycle, the golf clubs and every piece of porcelain. Oh, what a mess. Josh is our first winner in the LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland . . . and probably our last. We tried to do something nice and look what happened. Thanks a lot, Josh.

We were satisfied how the LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland went. You can only rehearse that up to a point. We never rehearsed the crash. I thought the items falling were a success.

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter chewing guy, attempting to blow a bubble.

JULIE CHEN: She’s the co-host of the CBS Early Show and the host of the very popular Big Brother series I’ve heard about. And she’s married to the President of CBS, Les Moonves. Wanting everything to be perfect for Ms. Chen, Dave does a quick clean-up of his area, spraying Fantastic on the desk and wiping it down, spreading the germs evenly across the table.
Julie wakes every morning at 3:00 AM to do the Early Show and tonight and last night were no different. Plus she admits she watches Dave’s show every night. And she is here now. Not much sleep for Julie. Plus I’m sure she has to clean up after Les around the house and I think we all know how busy that can make a person.
Dave says how it’s common knowledge that the NBC Today show has been around for years and Katie Couric has help take it to extraordinary heights. Les sized up the situation and when the position at the CBS Evening News became vacant, he decided to pluck Katie from the competition and bring her over to our side. This, according to Dave, is a win-win. We win in that CBS gets the smart and sharp and lovely Katie Couric as their News anchor and we win in that it makes our competition’s morning show weaker, no slight to Katie’s replacement Meredith Vieira. With Katie gone and Miss Vieira not yet at the Today show helm, what better time than now for those viewers on the fringe to come on over to CBS’ Early Show? Hopefully, they’ll taste, they’ll like, they’ll stay for more.
Dave is not quite sure what this Big Brother thing is that Julie does. She explains that they throw 10 or so people into an isolated house and week after week, the members are voted out. The one last remaining wins a whole bunch of money and get a chance at the LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland. The new season premieres July 6th, but there is a special episode to air Wednesday. What’s that all about? This season will be entitled, Big Brother 7: All-Stars. 20 of the past favorites from Big Bro 1-6 will be on hand Wednesday night. Home viewers will then vote on the internet what 10 should remain for the rest of the season. This season’s Big Brother should be interesting because all the contestants have been there before and know how to play the game. The trickery and double-crossing should be greater than ever. And isn’t that what television is all about? Big Brother 7: All-Stars – it all starts Wednesday night on CBS.

Dave says goodnight as he stands in front of the wreckage of the LATE SHOW Prize Wonderland.

And that was our show for Monday June 19, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

From the Letterman/Late Show newsgroup, Micah/BallODisco ventured this summation:

“- Ooh, lemme play ... we went from the end of ACT 3 to ACT 6 (the Julie Chen interview) to the sweep to ACT 4 to ACT 7.”

Hey! Did you watch the Game 5 of the NBA Finals Sunday night? I saw the opening intros for the Miami Heat and quickly decided I saw enough. Good grief, when did all that opening intro nonsense start? Does everything have to go so overboard? Can’t we just start the game?

I went to a wedding this weekend. I don’t know how the fathers-of-the-brides do it? How do they walk their daughter down the aisle without bursting out into tears? Heck, I’m doing it now just watching the other dads. I’ll be a mess when it’s my turn. If I’m lucky, my girls will elope.

I had a wonderful Father’s Day but it didn’t start out OK. My wife wanted to take me to Bear Mountain and take some pictures.

I watched Game 7 of the NHL Stanley Cup finals last night. Congratulations to the Hartford Whalers on their Stanley Cup championship, reigning victorious over the tough Edmonton Oilers. NBC carried Game 7. Outside of going immediately to the reaction of the winning coach as the clock hit zero, I thought they did a fine job of keeping the camera on the action and on the story line. They got the handshake after the game, they got a few interviews without being annoying, and they didn’t go to commercial during the celebration. Nice job, NBC. But we really didn’t want to see the coach hugging behind the bench the moment the game was over. We wanted to see the players’ reaction when they won the Cup, you know, those who fought with blood and guts the past two weeks. Not the coach.

I bought a doctor’s scale at a garage sale this weekend. Ten bucks. I already have one at home but I bought this one for the office. There’s really no cheating with a doctor’s scale. With one of those rotary scales where you have to look down between your feet for a reading, you can always “cheat” by a few pounds by reading 187 when it really reads 189. So I bought a doctor’s scale at a garage sale. Waiting for the elevator this morning, I decided to do an experiment. In the lobby I weighed myself fully dressed and with my bag: 189 pounds. My question was: Would I weigh the same while the elevator was going up or would I weigh more due to the force of the elevating elevator? And would I weigh less when going down? My findings: the scale read the same when at rest, when going up, and when going down. . . . just in case you were wondering.

Last week I commented on my 20-hour travail of putting together 10 pieces of home office furniture. I was quite pleased with the level of instructions. This isn’t always the case. Reader Don Smith of Kingston, Ontario writes:

“Here's part of the instructions included in a small table I had to assemble:
CAUTIONS: PLEASE DO NOT WORRY IF STILL SOME SMELL FROM THIS FRESH PRODUCT WHEN OPEN IT. AS IT IS NON-TOXIC AND NO DANGEROUS WHILE USING. IT WILL GONE IN FEW DAYS AFTER EXPOSURE IN THE AIR.”

Two of my pals made a bet two weeks ago. $25. Who will have a better record at the end of the year; Yankees or the Mets? As it stands today:
Yankees: 38-29
Mets: 43-25.
Met fans are deservedly giddy over their team’s performance. I’ll fix that: Scott Kazmir.