Cold open: Paul eating spinach from a plate. Dave says hello, notices what Paul is eating, and runs in and throws the spinach meal on to the ground. Dave cries out how the spinach may have been infected by the e-coli bacteria. Dave says he may have saved Paul's life.
Paul is not happy. He steams, "That wasn't 'givl'ing spinach; that was 'givl'ing arugala! Don't you know the 'givl'ing difference between 'givl'ing spinach and 'givl'ing arugula? OH! Harrumph!"

As you know, we're in the middle of Ventriloquist Week. So far, it's been a huge success. People have really taken to it. How so? Take a look. Dave hold up today's New York Times. The front page headline reads, "Late Show's Ventriloquist Week Sweeps the Nation." I was amused to see the day's second story, much smaller and below, "Bush Addresses United Nations.

Dave calls Stephanie. He heard a funny story today and wants to have it retold. Dave welcomes Stephanie back from rehab. She tells him she was not in rehab. Stephanie hands the phone to Amanda, Dave's assistant.
Amanda says she went to the U.N. yesterday with her best friend, Rhonda. Why? They wanted to support the world leaders. While standing out front, she and Rhonda say the President of Iran, Mahmud Ahmadinajad. He was trying to catch a cab. When the President saw Amanda and Rhonda looking at them, he said, "Hey, ladies, I like your size." Rhonda got excited, his being President and all. "Can I help you with something?" she called out. Mahmud answered, "Do you know where I can get a good meatball hoagie?" They directed him to the Apple Diner. They serve a good meatball hoagie. And then the Iranian President said, "How would you like to come back to the hotel and great freaky?" Oh my. Rhonda called him a pig and burst in to tears. He laughed at her sensitivity. He then gave her a ballpoint pen with his name on it.

Earlier this evening on CBS was the debut of the new Skeet Ulrich show, "Jericho." It seems pretty exciting. We take a look at a CBS promo. Announcer:

"Tonight on 'Jericho', a nuclear blast hits a Kansas town. A blast so powerful, the radiation spreads over to ABC, killing everyone on 'Grey's Anatomy.'
CBS: We're playing to win, bitch!"

-Smart kids aren't the only ones who want to safeguard the contents of their lockers. That's the reasoning behind this breakthrough: The combination lock for dumb kids. It only has two numbers, 1 and 2. (There are 8 possible combinations)
-What kid hasn't gazed longingly at a bottle of pure, creamy Elmer's Glue? Well, now the temptation is well-nigh unbearable, thanks to the Elmer's Glue Juice Box. Dave first drinks it from a straw, then he holds it high over his head and squeezes the content into his mouth. And then he does it again. Dave admits, "The second one was a mistake."
-Think chemistry is boring? You'll change your mind when you see how it can make you rich. You'll need this chart: The Periodic Table of the Elements Worth Stealing. You have gold, silver, uranium, and a few others.
-Mom, you've been looking for a way to make your child's noted and reminders higher in protein. Here's the answer: Oscar Mayer Post-Its. On each piece of bologna is a message, such as "I'll be home at 5:00." Dave squirts the Elmer's Glue Juice Box on the bologna slice and eats them together.
-"Usless," "Annoying", "Downright Painful." These are just a few of the early reviews of this educational CD, "All-Time Best Chalkboard Screeches." Dave holds up a CD and we listen to a cut. We hear a loud long screech.
-Sticker designs like stars and smiley-faces and old hat. Teachers, tell you students what you really think of their progress with these Discouraging Homework Stickers. I forgot the first two, but the other two were "Barely Adequate" and "Lower Your Expectations."
-Food fight technology enters the 21st Century with this advanced piece of lunchroom equipment: The Tater-Tot Gun. Dave loads up the gun with a tater tot and starts shooting. He shoots one guy in the balcony. Dave smells a lawsuit in his future.
-Don't get yells at for dozing off during a boring lecture or class. You'll appear to be enthralled by the teacher's presentation when you wear these: Attentive Eyes. Dave peals off a set of eye balls and place them on his closed lids. It looks like he is wide awake. He then picks up his tater tot gun and shoots some more.

RONN LUCAS AND SCORCH: The New York Times calls him the World's Greatest Ventriloquist". Ronn and Scorch scorch Secaucus, New Jersey. "The town hooker is still a virgin."
We hear Ed Sullivan yelling, "Let me out" from under the stage.
And Ronn and Scorch do a dynamite Row Row Row Your Boat.
I liked how Ronn and Scorch wrote some new stuff for the show. They made a Leno reference, and mentioned Dave and Paul.
Ronn Lucas will be headlining at the Aladdin Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada beginning November 11th.

MARG HELGENBERGER: She stars in the mega CBS hit, "CSI." It's begins its 7th season Thursday night. It's up against the Grey's Anatomy in a battle of the titans. Marg went back home to North Bend, Nebraska to celebrate her hometown's 105th anniversary. The town also named a street after her . . . . although it's just an Honorary.
"CSI" - Thursdays at 9:00 on CBS.

DIANA KRALL: To get in the mood for this smooth jazz number, Dave enjoys a gin martini. From her CD, "From This Moment On," Diana Krall performed "Exactly Like You."

And that was our show for Wednesday, September 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Today's commute almost made me weep. If I weren't down with the flu, I would have had the strength to be really really mad. On Monday, Yom Kippur, I always like to time my morning commute and use that as the baseline. No one else is on the road, and out-of-towners aren't driving in for a parade or anything. I usually make it to work in 25 minutes. For the rest of the year, anything more than that is due to traffic. This morning's commute took 2 hours and 45 minutes. If I went north, I could have been in Syracuse.

And now a joke just for me:
Yankee games on the radio are so full of in-game commercials, the other day I thought I was listening to a Danny Stiles radio show

I'm not sure if the above is a joke, my hearties. I used to listen to the Danny Stiles show featuring music from the 30s and 40s. I really liked it, but he would spend most of the show talking about where this person or that person would be performing. I only wanted to hear the music.

The Hook Slide In Baseball. I love the hook slide. When executed properly, it is a thing of beauty. But is it effective?
When you hook slide, you are attempting to avoid a tag. Instead of sliding straight in to the base with a straight leg, you bend it and slide away from the bag so the fielder has less of a target to tag. The runner wants to reach the point of the base farthest from the fielder. This way, the fielder has to reach the longest possible to make the tag. But does this work? I feel when hook-sliding, you are sacrificing speed for avoidance of the tag. And you are only avoiding the tag if the tag is performed improperly. When the fielder receives the relay, he should pay little attention to the runner and only slap his glove in front of the bag. The player will slide into it. When a fielder gets the ball and reaches for the runner, that's when the hook-slide is effective. Debate.

I found this a bit demoralizing today. I get as much done when I'm going at 1/3 speed as when I'm going full speed. I've been dragging for two days and my work output has remained constant.