Today was Cyber Monday, the day millions of people order holiday gifts online. Apparently, there were some problems his year. We take a look.
Announcer:

"Amazon.com thanks the millions of Americans who placed online orders on Monday. Unfortunately, due to the high volume of orders, our computer system crashed, and all customers will be receiving an AM/FM clock radio and a toy Santa that dances to James Brown's 'I Feel Good.' We hope that's close enough. Happy Holidays, from Amazon.com."

If Amazon.com threw in a few pairs of socks, then I would be very happy with that for Christmas.

GEORGE W. BUSH WINK WIPE WINK: It's something brand new and something we are not likely to use again. It's called, "George W. Bush Wink Wipe Wink." We see a clip of the President at a podium receiving thunderous applause. He winks at someone he knows. A few seconds later, he wipes his nose. And then a full 10 seconds after that, he recognizes someone and winks again. It's the George W. Bush Wink Wipe Wink. This was silly to the highest degree. The anticipation of the final wink made this very funny to me. I'm not sure why. It's almost like excitement of experiencing the popping of the "jack-in-the-box" even though you know it's coming.

SMALL TOWN NEWS
- The Scranton (Pennsylvania) Times: "Barb Dougherty, a 30-year-old postal service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering the mail." That's odd. You would expect a postal carrier to be bitten by a dog. And then Dave starts doing a Jackie Mason impersonation.
- The Blair (Wisconsin) Press: "Surprise Birthday Party for Henry Clatt, Jr. This is a surprise party, so please try to keep it from Henry."
- The New Castle (Pennsylvania) News: "Help Wanted: CNC lathe operator. 305 years experience required." Dave thinks that's a bit high.
- The Peoria, Illinois Journal Star: Police Report: "Two men were robbed at gunpoint. The suspect took an estimated $130, a key ring, and a Mountain Dew bottle cap good for a free Mountain Dew."
- From a Keezletown, Virginia paper: "Rabies Clinic and Bake Sale.
- The Washington Post: Here's an ad for a National Geographic Warehouse sale, at the D.C. Armory in Washington D.C. But their map seems to indicate it's in Long Beach, a little south of Los Angeles.
We ad includes a map of southern California. The address given: 2001 E Capitol St. S.E., Washington D.C.
-The Mountaineer (Big Sandy, Montana): This raises some disturbing questions: "Baby Shower from Melissa Gasvoda, Sunday November 19th, Senior Citizen's Center."
Dave points out that he was a Senior when he became a dad.
-The Ruston (Louisiana) Daily Leader: "Pizza Heist. The delivery person was approached by two males and told to 'Drop the pizza!'"
-The Superior (Kansas) Express: "I would like to know WHY is the siren blown at 8 O'CLOCK TUESDAY MORNING in Makato?"
-And finally, The Galveston County (Texas) Daily News: Los Patrones Mexican Restaurant is offering an interesting menu item: "Viagra Soup and Cocktail."

Dave was concerned when he saw mom this weekend at the house. Her face was bright red. Dave immediately thought, "Scarlet Fever." Turned out it wasn't scarlet fever at all. She just passed out in the cranberries.

TOP TEN - Slogans For The New Male Birth Control Pill - I got the top ten topic and did a quick Google News check. I found an article about King's College in London announcing they should have a male contraceptive pill within 5 years. I typed up that info. When Dave read it on the air, he seemed to think, "5 years? I won't need it in 5 years."
And then when I got to work Tuesday morning, I read an article with the headline: "Pre-Sex Anti-Pop Pill, Guys" (Yes, the New York Post). The first paragraph reads: "British scientists have developed a male contraceptive pill that is effective if taken a few hours before sex." Hmmm, I think that's the article the writers had in mind.
Dave and Paul banter back and forth about the sexual revolution and how it may be over for them. Says Dave about the sexual revolution being over; "Over? I was never even drafted."
Slogans for the New Male Birth Control Pill
#10. "The Never-Knocker-Upper."
#9. "Recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors who cheat on their wives."
#5. Pop one in before you pop one off."
#3. "He shoots, he doesn't score!"
#2. "Take matters into your own hands, so you don't have to 'take matters into your own hand."

KATE WINSLET: She's a 4-time Academy Award nominated actress. Wow!
-"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
-"Sense and Sensibility"
-"Titanic"
-"Iris"
She is the youngest actor ever to receive 4 Academy Award nominations. Brando got 4 by the time he was 30. Kate was younger than that.
Kate is from Britain. The Brits don't have a Thanksgiving holiday. Kate admits, though, that any holiday that involves eating lots of food is celebrated by her family.
Kate has made "about 29" films in her life and a whole lot of them within the past 3 years. A big part of movie-making is promoting it afterwards. One time she was in France promoting a film on a talk show where everyone was speaking in French. She had an earpiece over which someone would translate the question into English. There were 3 hosts and 3 guests at the time and they were all talking at once. It was very hard to follow. And then another guy came on stage dressed at Leonardo DiCaprio from the "Titanic." He's pretending that he is Leo and he didn't actually die. He survived the Titanic and was coming back for Kate. He then reached into his pants . . . and pulled out his . . . . octopus. He had an octopus in his pants. And that was the end of the show. Now that's comedy. An octopus in your pants is comedy gold, like a rubber chicken.
And then just this morning Kate did an interview on "Good Morning America" with Diane Sawyer. They showed an old cereal commercial which featured Kate Winslet as a little girl. They showed the clip and it got lots of laughs and lots of "Oh, how cute!" But, it wasn't her. It wasn't Kate at all. Kate knew it immediately but didn't have the heart to tell Diane, "That's not me." She didn't want to get the researcher in trouble. We take a look at that cereal clip and of her reaction while watching it Monday morning. DOH! Oh well, at least Kate saved the embarrassment of the GMA researcher for a few hours. When the clip is right, the producer gets the kudos. When the clip is wrong, the researcher gets the blame. That's why it's important to get ahead in life. The higher up you go, the more people below you to blame.
After seeing the cereal commercial, Dave says, "We also have footage that isn't Kate Winslet." We see black and white footage of a knife-thrower throwing knives around the perimeter of a little girl. And who is that little girl? We don't know, but we know it is not Kate Winslet.
Kate's new film, "The Holiday", opens December 8th. She stars along with Cameron Diaz and Jack Black. On one promo tour with Cameron, they were each asked to tell something they didn't know about the other. Cameron said something about Kate, and then it was Kate's turn. She learned that Cameron liked to eat, so Kate told the interviewer, "Cameron Diaz could literally eat me under the table." Dave reacts, "Well, now there's a movie!"

TOM WAITS: a very interesting man and a very interesting singer. The last time he was on, I ran out that weekend and picked up 2 of his cassette tapes. My car only plays tapes. I got it just before the CD-player-in-the-car craze came around.
How was his Thanksgiving? Tom says it was normal up to a certain point. At dinner, he asked his son what he and his friends do when they hang out. His son said, "We watch a lot of t.v." This surprised Tom, since they don't even own a TV. His son said, "Not, not a TV . . . . turkey vultures. We watch a lot of turkey vultures." His son told him you can learn a lot by watching turkey vultures.
Tom lives in a small town in California; population of about 60. It can sometimes be a little awkward living in such a small town. For instance, when he goes grocery shopping, there is this one cashier who makes a story out of whatever you're buying. Tom tries to avoid her but sometimes she's the only one working the cashier so what are you going to do? Let's say you're buying 6 frozen pizzas. She'll say, "So, you're having a pizza party, are you?" Or if you're buying toilet paper and razor blades, she'll say "So, you're going to the bathroom and then you're going to kill yourself?" Now Tom admits he buys stuff that he doesn't really need by will pick it up just to see what she'll come up with.
Tom likes to read and learned two bits of information that he never knew before. "Dead Ringer" - you know what that comes from? In the 16th century, people thought tomatoes were poisonous. They weren't really poisonous; it was the lead plates that made the people sick. People would have the appearance of being dead. They were then buried, but not really dead. Oops. When they discovered the error of their ways, they needed come up with something. They came up with this idea. When people were buried, a string was attached to their wrist. At the other end of the string was a bell above ground. If the "dead" person became alive, they could ring the bell and be rescued. And who were on "watch and listen" for the ringing bell at the graveyard at night? Those working the 'graveyard' shift. Ooh, I like this stuff.

ALAN KALTER IN "COACH KALTER." Many may not know but Alan is a college basketball coach in his spare time. We have a clip of his recent week leading his team. Opening credits to "The White Shadow." We find Alan at a bar questioning his ability as a basketball coach. We see a reporter on the news discussing the recent failure of the basketball team. The bartender, a former player under Alan, gives his ex-coach a little pep talk. Alan is reinvigorated and takes on his coaching basketball with new enthusiasm. We see him working the sidelines, we see him giving it to the ref, we see him exhorting his team on to a last-second win. We see Alan giving a post-game talk in the locker room. The camera widens to reveal he is in the women's locker room talking to the cheerleaders. They are disgusted by the red head and tell him to get the 'givl' out of their locker room. Credits from "The White Shadow."

ACT 5 - Over a Larry King Live logo: "Do you have a question for Burt Reynolds? Larry's phones are open now, and he's ready to take your calls. So what are you waiting for? Get going, America! We'll be right back."

TOM WAITS: From his 3-CD set, "Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers, and Bastards," Tom Waits performed the very entertaining "Lie To Me."

And that was our show for Monday, November 27, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Each time I typed Tom Waits' CD, "Orphans," I mistakenly typed in 'Oprah' instead. I know, who cares? But it took up a line in the Wahoo and that put me one line closer to finishing.

Bad news; my home computer is on the fritz. Could be a virus. Could be nothing. We have the neighborhood expert coming in to take a look at it. I was tapping away at the keyboard last night while doing the Wahoo and the screen slowly went all white. It slowly dissolved to a blank white screen. Nothing I did would bring it back. I unplugged it and tried it again a few minutes later. I was back on, but only for a few minutes and then it went all-white again. I blindly typed in another line from the Wahoo and saved it. Again, I could not get rid of the blank white screen. I checked it again Tuesday morning before going to work. I found that the line I typed in blindly and saved was in fact saved. The screen then went blank within 5 minutes. This tells my brain of limited computer knowledge that the computer is working since it took in what I typed and saved it even though the screen was entirely white. The problem, hopefully, is with the monitor. What ever it is, the Wahoo's will be shorter than usual this week since I'll be limited to doing my work at work.

I went to my mom and dad's this weekend down by the Jersey Shore. On my return trip, I forgot my cellphone. It's no big deal since the only calls I get are wrong numbers. But on my way in to work today I felt a little naked without it. I never use the cell, but I guess it's become a sort of comfort just knowing it's there in case I need it. I went 45 years without one and was always fine. Now that I don't have one, I feel a little vulnerable. Damn. I should have never gotten one in the first place. Where there was never a sense of "need", now one exists. Somehow, this need was created. I can only imagine what it must be like for those who were raised with a cellphone to their ear to go without one.

Speaking of Small Town News, this from longtime Wahoo reader Joel Bradbury of Medina, Tennessee.

"Twice in Small Town News you have shown a photo of a quartet - with 5 in the picture. This is Southern Gospel Country. All pictures of a quartet will show 5 people.....We all know that a quartet must have an accompanist.....It is taken for granted there will be 5......So - to many of us in the South and Southeast - those items only revealed your lack of knowledge - but how would you Yankees know such things."

And speaking of Tennessee . . .
Hey, now, how 'bout them Giants! You can add that game to the list as one of the worst losses in New York Giants football history. Up by 21 points with 10 minutes remaining in the game, the Giants allowed the Tennessee Titans to score 24 points unanswered points and lost, 24-21. I remember after the Giants playoff loss to Carolina last year, a caller on the radio said how Eli always bails out after throwing the ball as if he is deathly afraid of getting hit. It makes him a frightened football player. Since it was the last game of the season for the Giants, I didn't have the opportunity to see if this was true. And when this season came around, I forgot to check. But in Eli's final interception, you can clearly see him throw the ball and then run away like a little sissy-pants. The guy's a scaredy-cat. I don't think the guy has the football toughness to be a top-notch professional QB in the NFL.
How bad was the loss? The Titans were down by 7 with about a minute or so left in the game. It is 4th down, 10 yards to go. A Giant defensive lineman has Titan QB Vince Young around the waist for a sack, but he thought Young had thrown the ball so he let him go. Vince Young proceeded to run 20 yard for a first down. A sack would have ended the game with the Giants taking over on downs. I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked that I actually turned off the mute and listened to what the announcers had to say. They explained the guy on the Giants just let him go, but never explained why he let him go. To me, it was obvious. He thought Vince Young had thrown the ball. When the lineman let go of Young, he looked down field to see where the ball was. He was shocked to see that Young still had it. I saw this. The high-paid announcers somehow couldn't figure it out. I then put the mute button back on.

The Wahoo Gazette - ten years ago tonight. - The Wahoo has been around for 10 years. This was the 3rd installment during its maiden week.

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WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1996
Late Show staff member Zoe Friedman's toy drive is going quite well, although sound effects guy Gary Kiffel keeps showing up with a knife and fork. I don't think he understands the true spirit of the drive.

The Late Show staff is already elbowing for prime seating for the Thanksgiving Parade down Broadway. The parade starts at 77th Street at 9:00 AM and should pass directly in front of the Ed Sullivan Theater approximately 45 minutes later. In fact, I'm typing his right now by the third floor window facing Broadway and I ain't moving till noon tomorrow.

I don't mind working Thanksgiving. What I do mind is missing Willard Scott broadcasting the Thanksgiving Parade.

Parade Fun Facts:
First parade: 1924: no balloons. Started at 145th Street; used live animals; was called the 'Macy's Christmas Parade.'
First Balloons: Felix the Cat; a dragon; an elephant; and a toy soldier
Bart Simpson and Beethoven the Dog are out this year as balloons. In are Peter Rabbit and Bullwinkle.
There was no parade from 1942-1944.

See? Weren't these facts "fun"?

When I heard "STP" was going to be on Thursday night, I got so excited about meeting Andy Granatelli. Then someone told me "STP" is "Stone Temple Pilots" and not "STP Oil." If you don't remember the oil commercial with Granitelli, congratulations, you're still young.
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