Program Note: Wednesday on our show, Richard Simmons will be making his return to the LATE SHOW for the first time in 6 years. Why has he been away so long? Well, a lot of that will be discussed on Wednesday. Dave hints that the oily weight-loss guru can be difficult at times. Dave mutters, “I don’t know how his wife puts up with him.”

Have you been following the story about the poisoned former KGB agent? British intelligence has been tracing the exotic radioactive substance that killed him. Now it turns out the answer isn’t very dramatic after all. Dave holds up the source. It’s a box of Hot Pockets, now with the deadly Polonium-210. Freeze on the box. Boing SFX. Announce: “Bet you didn’t see that one coming! And now, back to Dave and more comedy gold!”

Yup, that was me on the announce for the Hot Pockets. I still don’t know why they use me. Growing up, I had some ideas as to how I would make money . . . doing voice over work was certainly not one of them. I did the announce live from Alan Kalter’s microphone. I didn’t have the opportunity to take notes of the Richard Simmons mention or what led up to the Hot Pockets. And I missed what followed after the Hot Pockets as I ran back to my viewing station in the shack backstage.

We head to Rupert’s for tonight’s active piece. Tonight we are going to play something called, “Would You Like Me To Appear In Your Holiday Card?” Rupert runs like a bunny outdoors to find a contestant.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush talking about something, then admitting, “I’m getting a little windy . . . . . . . . that’s a Texas expression.”

Dave reads from a blue card: “I’m told right now I’m watching ‘Three’s Company’ on TV Land. I’m also told I’m really enjoying it.”
I typed that up as soon as I got back to the shack. I had no idea what it was about.

Back to Rupert who is with Amanda Curry, originally from Pennsylvania, now from Brooklyn, New York. She works for a computer animation company. Anything we should be familiar with? Amanda says “The Cool Bears” is an animated film which will hopefully be in theaters one day. It’s a film about The Cool Bears up against The Bad Seeds for a record contract.
OK, let’s bring in Amanda for the Holiday Card. Amanda runs in with Rupert, who will be taking the photo. Dave has a holiday hat for Amanda and one for himself. The two of them stand by a snowman holiday scene. Rupert snaps the photo. And Amanda now has her holiday card.

TOP TEN: Shows On The New Gay Television Network – the first free gay television station will debut on January out of Key West, Florida on WGAY-TV.
#10. “How I Met Your Brother”
#9. “Gary’s Anatomy”
#8. “Desperate Poolboys”
#7. “Everybody Loves Raymond . . . especially Steve.”
#6. “The King of Queens”
#5. “Not-So-Smallville”
#4. “I Dream of Gene”
#3. “Gays of our Lives”
#2. “My Name is Earl and I Like Construction Workers”
#1. “His Deal or No Deal”

GEORGE CLOONEY: wearing all black. Dave asks about Thanksgiving and what’s that weird thing George does with the turkey. Huh? George is a little confused by the way the question was asked. George likes to host Thanksgiving dinner and have people drop in throughout the day. And George doesn’t throw the turkey in the oven. Oh no. He deep-fries the bird in a big pot of boiling oil. My brother-in-law does this. It is very dangerous, but delicious. He boils the oil in the garage in a special turkey deep fry pot. The garage probably isn’t the best place to boil oil, since it’s inches from gasoline cans and other flammable objects. The best place to boil the oil is way in the backyard or at your neighbor’s. You don’t want any kids near it. It’s super hot and you always hear of at least one accident every Thanksgiving. How’s it work? You thaw the turkey and then just plop it into the pot. It’s done in about 20 minutes. Oh, and be careful when you plop the bird. Remember, the oil is super hot. I’ve had the deep-fried bird and it is a treat.
George also likes to cook the rest of the dinner. His secret? Butter. Put 4 pounds of butter in everything. Sure, it’s a heart attack inducer but it makes for a delicious dinner. My mother-in-law used to make some great tasting mashed potatoes. Her secret was to double up on the butter. I recommend it.
George has become an Academy Award-winner since he was last here. He was nominated for Supporting Actor for Syriana and director and screenplay for Good Night and Good Luck. How did it feel to be nominated for 3 Oscars? George says, “It makes me feel extremely talented.” He won for Supporting Actor which is one of the first, if not THE first award given of the night. How was that? Well, for one thing it prevents you from getting drinks in you. And if you win, you have to go up there all alone without a belly full of liquor. But once he won, it made the rest of the evening a lot more relaxing.
And George was once again named the Sexiest Man Alive by People again. He was first picked 10 years ago. He feels a bit bad for Matt Damon because he really campaigned hard for it. George now joins Brad Pitt as a two-time winner. When George was named this year’s Sexiest Man Alive, Brad bought a full-page ad in the trade magazine congratulating Clooney. The ad included a 1985 photo of George not looking his best . . . but at the time he thought it was hunky. (You remember the 80’s don’t you? Yeeesshh) It was not a flattering photo and was done to embarrass George. So tonight, George had his own set of photos of Brad Pitt from years back. These were not very flattering of Mr. Pitt, which was the idea behind bringing the photographs.
George tells a story of drinking with Arnold Schwarzenegger some years back. Arnold saw himself as quite a drinker and challenged George to shots. George, getting his Irish up, agreed to the challenge. The drink: Peach Schnapps. Yeecch. Well, George tipped the bartender to bring him shots of water. Schwarzenegger got the Peach Schnapps. After 15 shots, Arnold was head-down on the bar. George was fresh as a daisy. Ever since, Arnold said, “That Clooney can really drink.”
George’s new film, The Good German opens in selected cities on December 15th. George stars with Cate Blanchett. Dave couldn’t say enough good things about Cate Blanchett and her beauty. George mentions it also stars Tobey Maguire. Dave’s response was something like, “Yeah, but what about that Cate Blanchett . . .”
The Good German -- I thought it was going to be about Sgt. Schultz.

ALAN KALTER’S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW – It’s time once again for a favorite segment of ours: “Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.” Alan? DAVE, perplexed: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alan.”
Alan, mocking: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alan. Oh, cut the crap. You knew I busted my ass trying to book tonight’s guest for ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.’ Here, let me introduce him: Mr. George Clooney.”
Camera widens to reveal Clooney sitting next to Kalter.
ALAN continues: “Oh, wait. I don’t have to introduce him because you just spent the last ten minutes with your ‘givl’ing head up his ass. (mocking) Oooh, George, you’re so good looking. Oooh, George, would you be my friend? I thought you two were going to make out!"
DAVE: “I don’t think I said any of those things.”
ALAN: (to Dave): “Why don’t you screw yourself?!” (to Clooney): “And ‘givl’ you, too, pretty boy!” Alan exits angry.
Dave, a bit embarrassed for our guest, throws to commercial. Clooney remains, not sure what to do.
(The Wahoo Gazette is enjoyed by millions of children throughout the world; therefore it will not print expletives. In order to decipher ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘givl’ on your keyboard.)

ACT 5: “This is a Late Show Announcement. Today is Paul Shaffer’s birthday!” The music changes to Happy Birthday. The models roll out a huge birthday sheet cake for Paul. Dave joins the three as the festivities begin.
“Happy Birthday, Paul. Best wishes from everyone at the Late Show! We’ll be right back.”

THE DECEMBERISTS: From their CD, “The Crane Wife,” The Decemberists performed the bouncy tune, “O Valencia.”

And that was our show for Tuesday, November 28, 2006. Happy birthday, Paul Shaffer, born on November 28th. Oh, and Happy Birthday to production accountant Joe DeGeorge.

It was a big weekend of TV at the McIntee house. Friday found pop-up version of “High School Musical” on the Nickelodeon and then on Sunday it was the American Girl doll, “Molly”. There was also a Cheetah Girl movie somewhere in there. I liked the “High School Musical.” I missed “Molly,” as I broke my TV after watching the Giant game. I was in no mood for TV Sunday night.

I’ve been receiving lots of e-mail about Jason Grant, last week’s guest who accidentally had his $110 million statue busted on our show. It was a real bad scene. People have been e-mailing me asking if this was a real guest or something he just phonied up. How could it be something we made up? It was in all the newspapers and TV news! Of course it was real.

In my local paper they had an article on Chicago Bulls Ben Gordon, a kid who grew up in nearby Mount Vernon. The headline read: “Consistency Is Elusive Target for Gordon.” The sub-headline read: “Mount Vernon native scores above average in one game, below it the next for Bulls.” All together now, boys and girls . . . . . “That’s why they call it an ‘average.’”

The Wahoo Gazette – ten years ago today: This was our Thanksgiving show. We went on a week’s vacation following this program.

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THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 1996
The Late Show Thanksgiving dinner went quite well, although sound effects guy Gary Kiffel forgot to show up with his knife and fork. I don’t think he understands the true spirit of the Thanksgiving dinner.

It was great to see the big, over-blown balloons filled with hot air at the Thanksgiving Parade here in New York City. And that was just the politicians.
(On a clear day, you could see that joke coming a good mile away.)

So tell me the truth, did you eat the turnips?

This is a difficult time for the Secret Service in Washington. Everybody is talking about getting a Butterball, and that just so happens to be President Clinton’s code name.

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