". . . and now, possible Rosie replacement . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
Dave talks a bit about Spider-man, Tobey Maguire. He admits to being in a bit of a feud with the webslinger. They called the Late Show and told us Tobey wouldn't do the show and that they would NEVER do the show. And then they told not to mention Mr. Maguire's name. DOH! Yeah, that always works. Well, last week Tobey's people had a change of heart. We thought he'd be on Tuesday but after negotiating all weekend, that remains up in the air. Does our executive producer know anything more? Ms. Gaines says the appearance is still pending. Why the holdup? Tobey's reps are waiting to see if the Late Show is excited to have him on the show. Dave looks directly into the camera and says he is 60 years old, he's made 60 trips around the sun, and there is nothing in the world that excites him more than the thought of having Spider-Man on the show.

I'm hoping this goes on for just a few more days. I have a joke I'll be trying to get on the show.

Did you watch last Thursday's Democratic debate? Dave tried, but there were just too many candidates which made everything too confusing. Moderator Brian Williams really needed to take control. We see a clip.
Brian Williams asks a question. The 8 candidates answer simultaneously. It sounded like "The View."

It's time for something brand new, it's the Regis Philbin Lie Count.
We see Regis introducing Dave as his first guest upon his return to his morning show. There is a counter in the lower left hand corner.
Regis: "Seven years ago, I was honored to be his first guest when he returned to television (DING) after recovering from heart surgery, and what a thrill it is (DING) for me to have him here as our first guest today. Here is the big man himself, and incidentally, the hose of the most creative (DING), imaginative (DING) show I think on television, and much of it, all of it is due to him (DING). He really gets involved in his show (DING). Ladies and gentlemen, David Letterman." Lie count: 6

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "What was mishandled was the explanation of the case . . . . zs. Cases."

ACT 2: SMALL TOWN NEWS
THE GREENSBORO WATCHMAN (GREENSBORO, ALABAMA): "HOUSE FOR SALE IN NICE NEIGHBORHOOD - ONLY BURGLARIZED 3 TIMES IN THE LAST MONTH. ALARM BEING INSTALLED"

THE NORTHFIELD NEWS (NORTHFIELD, MINNESOTA): "TRUCK TURNOVER KILLS TURKEYS AT ON-RAMP." TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THE MUD FLAP. (mud flap reads: "HOW'S MY DRIVING" with phone number)

THE WEBSTER ECHO (WEBSTER SPRINGS, WEST VIRGINIA): "SURPRISE 80th BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR RUBY WARE. PLEASE DO NOT TELL HER."

THE TRACY PRESS (TRACY, CALIFORNIA): "WHAT IS THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?" NATHAN RAMEY REPLIED: "PROBABLY MY WIFE COMING HOME FROM PRISON."

THE QUODDY TIDES (EASTPORT, MAINE): "FALLING INTO THE BAY IS THE WILSON'S BEACH FISH PLANT. THE BUILDING HAS NOT WINTERED OVER WELL THIS SEASON."
(photo of half-collapsed building)

THE FULTON SHOPPER (FULTON, KENTUCKY): "TRUCK DRIVER. NO EAR-RING WEARERS, DRUNKS, OR DOPE HEADS NEED APPLY"

THE NORTH VERNON PLAIN DEALER (NORTH VERNON, INDIANA): "THE SCENARIO WILL BE THAT OF A SIMULATED DETONATION OF A NUCLEAR DEVICE IN INDIANAPOLIS. ALL WILL BE SIMULATION WITH NO REAL NUCLEAR BOMB DETONATED."

THE LIMON LEADER (LIMON, COLORADO): "WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR SPRING BREAK?" KIRK POTTORF ANSWERED, "I'M SITTING AT MY HOUSE WATCHING SOAP OPERAS BY MYSELF."

THE VENICE GONDOLIER SUN (VENICE, FLORIDA): "BILL PASQUARELLA SHOWS HIS RIGHT THUMB. HE RECENTLY HAD IT REATTACHED AFTER HE SAWED IT OFF WHILE DOING SOME CARPENTRY. THIS SUMMER HE ALSO HAD TO HAVE HIS EAR SEWN BACK ON."

Dave wonders why the newspaper is called the Venice Gondolier Sun. Why not just the Venice Gondolier or the Venice Sun? Paul offers that two newspapers probably joined.

THE WIRT COUNTY JOURNAL (ELIZABETH, WEST VIRGINIA): "WANTED, ONE TODDLER, TWO TWIN BEDS, GOOD CONDITION, FREE OR CHEAP."

THE ADAMS COUNTY RECORD (COUNCIL, IDAHO): "WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE PASTRY FROM CAPTAIN PAJAK'S DESK RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY. IT IS NEEDED AS EVIDENCE IN A POISONING CASE."

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Signs Your Newspaper is in Trouble --- The Audit Bureau of Circulations reports the newspaper circulation has gone down for the fifth consecutive reporting period.
Dave says one sign your newspaper is in trouble is if it's called, "the Venice Gondolier Sun."
9. Today's exclusive --- "Nixon Dead!"
5. Every "hot" gossip item is about Jack Klugman.
4. Managing editor and guy who wheels around breakfast? Same guy.

ROB MAGNOTTI: He opens Impressionist Week 2 and you can see him this Friday night at "Comic Strip Live" right here in New York City.
Rob does Ray Romano hosting "Fear Factor."
Appearing on Fear Factor:
Brad Garrett.
Kramer.
Bill Cosby.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Paulie Walnuts.
Nicolas Cage on a date.
Al Pacino dodging dishes.
And John Travolta.

Tomorrow on Impressionist Week 2: John Byner.

ACT 4
KIRSTEN DUNST: She's been coming to the Late Show for 13 years now, and she was on even before that on the old show as an extra, presenting a bouquet of flowers to the winner in a safe-cracking competition. She calls her appearance back then as a "glorified extra" but if it means anything, I'm always more interested in the "glorified extras" than I am of the main characters.
(Have you ever noticed that police officer-extras always wear hats that are too big? I have a theory on that I'll explain some day.)
And Kirsten says this is her third time here on her birthday. I did a quick check and found she was here on April 30, 2001 and May 1, 2002. Both times she received a dozen roses. And it's her grandma's birthday today, too. Later, she'll be celebrating with grandma.
How's the "Spider-Man 3" promotion going? Kirsten admits she's already sick of it. She's been talking about it forever and looks forward to its opening so she can put it behind her. In the last two weeks, she's been to Tokyo, L.A., London, Rome, Madrid, Stockholm, Berlin, Moscow, and now New York. It's sounds glamorous and fun, but it isn't. You spend a few hours in each city, have something to eat, then it's on to the next place.
What does Kirsten like to do when she's not acting? She recently attended art school to dabble in painting and she also directed a short film. She eventually wants to direct a big motion picture. She wants to be in charge and control.
Now that I think back, Kirsten said she went to art school but I'm not sure if she said she studied painting. That may have been something I added on my own since my 11-year-old Dominique is taking painting at an art class.
At the end of the segment, Dave presents a dozen roses to Kirsten for her birthday, and then a 2nd dozen roses for grandma.
"Spider-Man 3" - it opens this Friday, very likely at a theater near you.

ACT 5
Alan announce: "Are you enjoying 'Impressionist Week 2?' Well then, log on to the Late Show website for an all-new 'Tony Mendez Show.' Tony's all-new this Tuesday with 'Tony Mendez's Impressionist Week 2.' Just go to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You'll be glad you did! We'll be right back."

ACT 6
MORE TOBEY TALK
Alan asked if he could have a moment to say a few words. Against our better judgment, we agreed to his request.
Alan: "Thanks, Dave. For the past week, there's been a lot of speculation about why Rosie O'Donnell is quitting 'The View.' People don't understand why she'd leave, but I think I do."
Alan turns to another camera. Lights dim. Sexy music.
"Sure, Rosie, hosting 'The View' seemed like a dream job. Who among us wouldn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of sassy women? But as someone who's been the meat in a Barbara Walters/Joy Behar sandwich, I know they can wear you out. So if you're looking for a break from the ladies, Big Red's got something you haven't had in a long, long time. And just like a bicycle, it's something you never forget how to ride. Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh."
Dave interrupts. "Alan, knock it off. You're making us all sick."

ACT 7
DINOSAUR JR.: From their new CD "Beyond," Dinosaur Jr performed "Almost Ready."

And that was our show for Monday, April 30, 2007.



Is there anything more entertaining than a good sex scandal? Here's hoping this D.C. thing really explodes into some great springtime fun.

I was watching the Ranger/Sabre hockey game the other day. The Rangers won in double overtime. I don't watch too much of the hockey anymore, but I have said it before, there is nothing better than playoff hockey. It is the best playoff sport to watch. During the overtime, every time your team has the puck you think you're going to win and every time you lose the puck you think you're going to lose. It's such a big ping-pong back and forth. Hopes and fears change by the second.

My daughter Dominique woke this morning and after I kissed her good morning, she says "Aren't you going to wish me a happy half-birthday?" She and her sister turned 11-and-a-half today (May 1st). They've known their half-birthday for years now, no prompting from me. I laughed the first time they told me of their half-birthday because when I was in college, I tended to drink too much. I finally decided to only drink on special occasions. Much to my chagrin, special occasions did not roll around enough for me, so I had to invent special occasions. Half-birthdays soon became very popular. I would celebrate everyone's half birthday. After college, I never again mentioned half-birthdays, nor did I hear of it. And then my girls announced their half-birthday to me 20 years after I left college. I asked where they heard of "half birthdays" and they said they simply figured it out themselves. Ahh, they got their father's genes. Do you celebrate half-birthdays? And I hope my girls aren't creating reasons to drink.

Race fans, the results are in. Letterman's Humor ran the 8th race at Delaware Park on Saturday. He went off as the longshot at 15/1.How did he do?
A recap from a website:

"BELONGS TO JOE steadied on the heels of Park Avenue Prince into the opening turn, rated back from the pace inside, eased four wide near the quarter pole, dueled to the lead passing the eighth pole and drew clear from the sixteenth. PARK AVENUE PRINCE rated off the pace and off the rail, contested three wide the final turn, dueled to a short brief lead in midstretch then yielded a sixteenth away. STRINGTOWN WONDER rated a short lead two deep, contested between horses through the final turn then weakened a furlong out. INDIAN LOTUS (ARG) rated with the pace inside, assumed a slim lead into the final turn, dug in through the upper stretch then weakened at the eighth pole. KID LEMONADE, awkward to start, rated off the pace toward mid track, saved some ground on the final turn, came out entering the stretch but had no rally. LETTERMAN'S HUMOR raced widest and never factored. SIR RAHY stumbled at the start, saved ground and tired after half. WHATS WHAT raced outside the opening turn and never rallied."

Best 45 ever . . . continued: Peter McGrath of Ottawa:

"Mike, The greatest 45 of all time . . . . "You Really Got a Hold on Me"....The Beatles version. This song speaks to the primal need for sex. The lyrics state, 'I don't like you but I love you, I don't want you but I need you.' It's all about the sex Mike. You know that Rock n' Roll is sex, Mike."

You're probably right, Peter. Unfortunately, I'm tone deaf, which explains a lot. But what is the flip side of "You Really Got a Hold on Me"? That's the whole point of "Best 45 Ever."

Yankee/Red Sox series this weekend and I'm proud to say I did not listen to one pitch on the radio . . .and I won't listen to another pitch until they get some professionals in the announcing booth. I've been mislead once too often by the bellowing "It is high . . . it is far . . . it is . . . . caught." HE did it again on Wednesday night and it's rare that a game goes by where HE doesn't do it. Oh, I wanted to know how my Yankees were doing but it's finally become not worth the trouble. And in Monday's New York Post, Phil Mushnick writes, "Saturday, when Alex Rodriguez hit a fly ball to left, John Sterling began his home run call. Then he amended that to tell us that the ball was hit over Manny Ramirez's head. And then he amended that to tell us that Ramirez caught the ball for an out."

John Byner on Tuesday. Let's hope he does his Johnny Mathis.

And a Wahoo Salute to Joel Bradbury of Medina, Tennessee. The self-professed 87 1/2 year old geezer has taped Dave since 1984. It's nice to hear from you again, Mr. Bradbury. Interested in a Joel Bradbury Week?

And now more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information."
-a full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon.
-February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
-The billionth digit in pi is 9.
-A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off
-American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

"Six two and even, over and out."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Our newest United States citizen, from Lomond, California, it's Michael Loik.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER