" . . . and now, Discovery channel He-Man . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
I missed the top of the show and when I came in I heard Dave talking about pets, and in particular, his two dogs Bob and Stan, neither of which are still with us. Bob was a ravenous eater. It was later discovered Bob had some kind of enzyme deficiency that made him constantly hungry. The last thing he ever ate was a dura-log out of the fireplace.
I'm not sure what happened to Stan.

Immediately after the taping of tonight's program, the staff and crew will gather to take our annual group photo. Dave was looking over some of the photos from years past and was shocked to recognize someone in the 2005 photo that he hadn't known had ever worked here. Dave holds up the photo and points out . . . . there in the corner . . . . in front of Paul Shaffer . . . yup, Kim Jong-Il. How about that? He got college credit for that. And he deserved it. He worked his ass off.

"And now let's check the results of our Late Show Online Poll." On the screen appear the words "YES" and "NO." A tally flickers beside each. When it stops, we find that 68,239 people said "YES" and 31,745 said "NO." Dave is surprised that the people who said "YES" outnumbered those who said "NO" by over a 2 to 1 margin. Who would have imagined that?

Everyone is weighing in on this Michael Vick situation. The ASPCA has just released this statement calling for continued vigilance. We take a look.
Announce:

"All of us at the ASPCA applaud the thorough federal investigation into the Michael Vick dogfighting case. But the fight against animal cruelty does not end here. That's why the ASPCA now calls on the government to step in and put an end to the daily fights on 'The View.'" (cut to shot of the battling and cackling team on The View)
"For more information, visit www.aspca.org."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES:
We see FDR.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush: "Before Julia Child came along, nobody thought it could be so interesting . . . . to see a meal being prepared."

ACT 2
A big event is coming to morning television: On September 3rd, Regis and his show will kickoff a two-week celebration for 20 years on the air. Two weeks! Dave gets exhausted just thinking about a celebration that will last two weeks.
Paul chimes, "But they deserve it!" Dave agrees, but adds "Maybe they deserve it, but will they live through it?"
Paul thinks Kelly will be able to survive, but isn't quite so sure about Regis. The rundown:
1988-2000: "Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" - Kathie Lee's final show: July 27, 2000.
2000-2001: "Live with Regis" - during this time, Regis wins the daytime Emmy for Outsanding Talk Show host.
2001-Present: "Live with Regis and Kelly" - Kelly Ripa's first show: February 12, 2001.
Kathie Lee will make a special appearance on the program, September 14th.
Michael Gelman has been the executive producer for the entire 20 years.
Salute to Regis and the entire team! Congratulations.

Ever wonder how celebrities spend their summer? Wonder no more. We got the scoop on them.

HOW THEY SPENT THEIR SUMMER
-Kim Jong-Il: Hired neighborhood kid to mow his hair
-Bob Barker: Continued hosting "The Price is Right" in his basement
-Lindsay Lohan: Rehab
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Picked up extra bucks working at a Tallahassee Hooters
-Osama bin Laden: Vacationed at his summer cave in Mahmoud's Vineyard
-Lindsay Lohan: Left rehab, got arrested for DUI, went back to rehab
-Fidel Castro: According to Hugo Chavez - attended high-level meetings. In reality: Was fed through a tube
-Paris Hilton: Filled in for Lindsay at rehab so Lindsay could go partying
-Judd Apatow: Developing new idea for film, "The 40-Year-Old Knocked Up Superbad Virgin"
-Larry the Cable Guy: Took eight weeks off, hired someone else to git-r-done
-British Prime Minister Gordon Brown: Repeatedly telling President Bush he'd prefer not to be called "Gordo"
-Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan: Met for lunch to coordinate their upcoming prison schedules
-Jessica Biel: No idea. Just wanted to look at Jessica Biel
-David Hasselhoff: Ate ice cream off Dairy Queen floor
-Britney Spears: teaching her babies to drive jet-skis.

And that's how they spent their summer. How did you spend yours?

ACT 3
TOP TEN: Signs Osama Bin Laden is Alive and Well
9. On recent al-Qaeda audiotape, he says some kind words about Merv Griffin.

ACT 3-4
RICHARD GERE: He enters and approaches the audience to say hello. Richard then takes a seat by Dave. Richard is carrying a cup of tea in a paper cup, one he must poured before coming out. The string to the tea bag dangles. Dave is a bit embarrassed that we didn't have a nice ceramic mug for Richard but he was more than happy with the simply paper cup. Plus, when he holds the hot tea it keeps him warm in the frigid Ed Sullivan Theater.
Richard then sighs and says, "How about the Yankees?!" Richard is a big baseball fan and a fan of the Yankees, though he would like to forget last night's game (Angels 18, Yankees 9) His 7-year-old son is a big baseball fan and Richard took him to opening day at Yankee Stadium this year. (There's only one more left at the Stadium). Ever since, his son can't get enough baseball. The two went up to Cooperstown to watch the Hall of Fame induction ceremony for Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn. His son pointed out Whitey Ford, which Richard can't quite figure out how or why his 7-year-old son would know Whitey Ford. When Richard saw Whitey Ford, his boyhood hero, he could barely speak. He walked up to Whitey . . . and cried. He wept like a child. Richard didn't know what to say or what to do. He could only weakly ask, "Can I have a hug?" Whitey then hugged Richard.
Dave then asked about Richard's friendship with the Dalai Lama. Richard first met him 30 years ago. Richard then went into the philosophy of the Dalia Lama and what he tried to teach Richard over the years. Dave tried his best to follow, but became lose seconds after the "hugging Whitey Ford" story. Dave blamed himself on being too dim a bulb to understand the sense of what Richard was trying to say. Me, too. I got what he was saying about baseball, though.
Richard Gere's new film, "The Hunting Party" is based on a true story and opens on September 7th in selected cities. The clip we saw was pretty intense.

ACT 5
Alan: (seductively) "This is Alan Kalter, reminding you that it's time for bed. Sweet dreams. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Grrrr." Alan snaps his teeth.

ACT 6
TOM DREESEN: Tom will be appearing at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles on September 2nd.
How's his summer? Last week Tom got to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley Field and sing 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame." He was very proud to sing on key, which is rare for Tom. Tom says he always wanted to be a baseball player when he was growing up, and even more so now with all the money they are making. Take Andruw Jones, for instance. He's batting .200 this year and making $14 million. For those of you who are unfamiliar with baseball, batting .200 means he gets 1 hit for every 5 times at bat. It's like you're a truck driver who drives his truck from New Jersey to New York 5 days a week. On 4 of those 5 days, you drive your truck off the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River.
Has Tom met many baseball players? Tom got to know Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin pretty well. Billy once told Tom a story about Mickey, Billy, and Whitey Ford out on a hunting trip. Billy was a city kid so he had no hunting experience. They load the car up with guns and head out to this farmer's house where they could hunt. Billy unloads the car while Mickey and Whitey talk to the farmer. The farmer tells Mickey and Whitey that one of his horses was very sick and asked if they could "put him down." The farmer couldn't bring himself to do it himself and so Mickey agreed. Mickey decided to play a trick on Billy. The Mick and White went back to Billy and told him, 'The farmer won't let us hunt on his property so we're going to kill his horse. They went around to the back of the house and Mickey shot the horse. Emboldened, Billy unfortunately took it a step further and shot two of the farmer's cows.

How about a Frank Sinatra story. It was near the end of Frank's career. Tom opened for him at a huge venue in Illinois. 20,000 were in attendance. Frank was having a very tough time at it, flubbing his lines, losing his place. At a certain point, Frank just stopped and whispered "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Frank was weak and confused. Tom feared this would be Frank's very last performance. The crowd went completely silent. And then one guy way up in the balcony stood up and yelled, "That's all right, Frank. We love you. We love you, Frank." This one guy started to applaud. And then another. And then 20 more. And then 50, 100, and then the entire arena. Tears were in Frank's eyes. Frank quieted the crowd, and then sang "Mack the Knife." He drilled it, like he was 20 years old. The place went crazy. After the place quieted down again, he pointed to that guy in the balcony and said, "I love you, too, pal." Frank went on to perform for two more years. And that's Tom Dreesen. He's got a million stories.

Also on Tom's plate: He'll be giving motivational speeches at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles on Labor Day. The program is entitled, "The Joy of Stand-Up Comedy and How To Get There."
He'll also be performing with Michael Bolton in Stamford, Connecticut on September 16th.
All this information, and more, is available on his website: www.TomDreesen.com

ACT 7
VELVET REVOLVER - Hey! A song I liked! From their CD, "Libertad," Velvet Revolver performed "The Last Fight."
In the band: Scott Weiland, Slash, Duff, Matt Sorum, and Dave Kushner.

And that was our show for Wednesday, August 22, 2007.



When I woke up Wednesday morning, I didn't think I would hear Whitey Ford's name twice on the night's show. But I was wrong. That is why I never bet. Hearing Whitey Ford's name on the Late Show is not a good bet. Hearing it TWICE is really not a good bet. I certainly would have bet "NO" and I would have lost a bunch of money on a sure thing.

I started writing something in the Wahoo a couple weeks ago about a new business idea I had. I would call it "Rent A Pet." I look around my neighborhood and everybody has a dog. I ask the adults and they say they got the dog because the kids really wanted one. But it's the parents I see who are doing the dog-walking and the dog-feeding and the dog-cleaning-up. The kids were excited at the beginning and would do all the chores and take on the responsibilities, but their enthusiasm would quickly drift off. I figure I could go into business by renting out dogs to families for a few months to see if they like having a pet. After the 3-month trial period, they could buy the dog or return it. But halfway through writing up my idea in the Wahoo, I thought it too silly to mention; yes, too silly and a waste of space even for the Wahoo Gazette. So what do I see earlier this week in the newspaper?

From the USA Today:

"'Rent A Pet' - Want a canine companion but don't have the time, desire, or level of commitment to actually own a dog? Sign up for an 'occasional pet.'"

It's not exactly like my Rent-A-Pet idea, but I think it's something Flexpetz should consider when they make plans to expand their business.

Hey, look at that! I got 3 paragraphs out of my Rent-A-Pet idea.

Someone asked if I watched Big Brother. I said I barely know what's going on in MY house; I'm not going to waste time wondering about what's going on in somebody else's.

About a year ago a friend of mine passed away while playing in a softball tournament in his new home in Vermont. (Good gosh, am I getting to that age?) After the wake, many of us talked about getting a group together from New York the next year and playing in the tournament in honor of our friend Kenny Furnish. Well, a year has passed and the time is here. This weekend I'll be driving up to Vermont to participate in the 6th Annual Dick Currier Memorial Softball Tournament in Rutland, Vermont. I fully expect each member of our team to show up with a first baseman's mitt. Unfortunately, only one of us will get to play there.
I'm hoping for two things:
1. I only get ground-rule doubles.
2. the guy batting behind me only gets ground-rule doubles.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the phrase 'turning point' comes from chariot racing. It was the place where a chariot driver turned at each end of the stadium.
- the "pone" is the person who sits on the dealer's right in a card game
- the word "furlong" in horse racing --- a distance of an eighth of a mile --- dates from the days when a race was a furrow long, the length of a ploughed field.
- in archery, when an arrow pierces another arrow, which is already in the bull's-eye, it is called a "Robin Hood"
- a throw of five on the dice is known as "a Little Phoebe" in craps.

Hmmmm, and that begs the question, "Why 'Little Phoebe'?" I did a 45-second search and found nothing.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Chris Birkitt
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER