" . . . . and now, diva of conceptual dance . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
Dave is still upset over the tick that was imbedded in his back from last week. During the pre-show Q&A, an audience member asked for an update. The tick was yanked out but the head of the tick remained under the flesh. Dave's personal doctor, Dr. Lou Aronne, was called in to carve out the tick. But was it too late? Dave fears he may have the tick fever. Unfortunately, the symptoms of tick fever are similar to the flu. How will Dave know if he has the flu or tick fever? I have a feeling this is not the last we heard of this.

HBO is broadcasting their critically acclaimed miniseries "John Adams" which inspired this new segment on the Late Show, "What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?" We watch.
Announcer:

"July 4th, 1776. Philadelphia. A glorious day which saw the brave sons of liberty sign the Declaration of Independence. When it was George W. Bush's turn to sign, he instead stuck a bunch of plumes in his hair and ran around screaming, 'Look at me! I'm Chicken Boy!'
This has been 'What If George W. Bush Had Been A Founding Father?'"

"In Florida, a 93-year-old man was busted for soliciting a hooker. The sex fiend was instantly named Governor of New York. New York --- Whoreville, USA."

It's something new every day. Yesterday, New York's Governor David Paterson admitted that he used illegal drugs. Some people have been very critical, but Dave found his candor refreshing. We have a clip of an interview with the Governor from the local program, "Inside City Hall."
Interviewer: "Have you ever used marijuana?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you ever used cocaine?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you ever used LSD?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "How about psychedelic mushrooms?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Do you have any experience with heroin?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you tried crystal meth?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: Have you ever had three-way sex?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you ever had sex with prostitutes?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you ever had sex with a man?"
Paterson: "Yes."
Interviewer: "Have you ever had three-way sex with male prostitutes while using marijuana, cocaine, LSD, psychedelic mushrooms, heroin, and crystal meth?"
Paterson: "I'd say I was about 22 or 23, I tried it a couple of times, yes."

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Pottsville Republican (Pottsville, Pennsylvania): "Lose weight with hypnosis. 100 South Center, off Route 61, by KFC and Dunkin Donuts."
-The Current (Westbrook, Maine): Political musings of local resident Edward Tottle: "Tottle said at the time Democratic President Franklin Roosevelt made a lot of big promises to the people." 'That lying bastard,' he added."
-The American (Vinita, Oklahoma): "Cleora School Reunion. Martha Pickering-Newcomb won a raffle ticket for a 2-liter of Mr. Pibb."
-The Original Irregular (Kingfield, Maine): "Corvettes, 1962 & 1967. Bring money --- it's a great deal. Call after dark."
-The Rochester Buyers Guide (Rochester, Minnesota): Hunt's Drug is offering Aquafina Water: "$4.49, regularly $2.19"

Dave stops. He is thinking of something. Mentally he is someplace else. A thought bubble appears over his head of a plate of cookies. Another plate of cookies appears and disappears. Then another and another. Paul interrupts and asks Dave what is the problem? Dave sighs and apologizes, "Sorry, I was thinking about cookies."

-The Galveston County Daily News (Galveston, Texas): "Salesman accused of urinating on houses. Police said they suspected the man was marking the doors to remind himself where he had not been able to contact a resident."

Dave stops. He is thinking of something. What is it? "I'm sorry. I was thinking of a urinating salesman."

-The Albion News (Albion, Pennsylvania): "The Northwestern boys baseball team recently held an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. Team players all participated as nice, dirty little whores."
-The West County Journal (Elizabeth, West Virginia): "Adamses celebrate 50th." Look how happy they look.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: U.S. AIRWAYS EXCUSES - A U.S. Airways pilot accidentally discharged his pistol while landing in Charlotte, North Carolina.
#8. Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot's gun doesn't go off.
#3. This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane . . . did you see it coming, folks?

KATE BOSWORTH: Kate is just back from 3 months of shooting a film in New Zealand. It has to do with 19th Century Koreans and Carnies. Hmmm, sounds like one of those "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl." After filming was complete, Kate and her boyfriend went on a 10-day road trip through beautiful New Zealand. Dave wonders if that was a good idea. He finds that his road trips usually involve lots of arguments over maps and directions. Kate says there was some of that but they were still a couple after the 10 days so the trip was a success. At the end of the trip, Kate went skydiving for the first time. Skydiving always seems like a good idea until it's time to do it. Dave's considered it but always comes to the same conclusion . . . . "uhhh, no." After a 30-second briefing on how to skydive, Kate was ready to go. She was tethered to a guy's lap . . . . . which is one reason why Dave has never gone skydiving . . . . and away she went. We see a clip. I'll never go skydiving, but I'm quite sure that someday I'll pretend I did.
Kate's new film, "21", is about a group of M.I.T. students who learn how to beat Vegas at Blackjack. It's based on the best-selling non-fiction book by Ben Mezrich. It opens on Friday. Kate spent 6 weeks in Las Vegas shooting the film. She recommends no more than two days if visiting Sin City.
"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas . . . except gonorrhea."

ACT 4:
Where's Alan? When we come back from commercial, Dave notices that our announcer, Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen, is not at his post. Where is he? We cut to find Alan doing chin-ups in the stairwell.
DAVE: "Alan, what are you doing?"
ALAN: (continuing with his chin-ups) "Getting' ripped."
DAVE: "Well, can you come back in here? We're doing a show."
ALAN: (stops his chin-ups and glares into the camera): "Don't mess with me, Letterman! You don't know how close I am to going . . . Code Red!"

ACT 5:
Announce: "Wednesday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams, from 'Miss Guided,' actress Judy Greer, and music from Langhorne Slim. Somebody turn on the air conditioner! This show is gonna be hot! We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
JOHN WITHERSPOON
His new comedy DVD, "You Got to Coordinate," is in stores now and it is also a Showtime special which can be seen this Friday night.
John's been doing a lot of traveling recently while performing on the road and says he is being recognized . . . . sort of. A lot of people mistake him for Nipsey Russell, which is fine except Nipsey Russell is dead. John feels he is getting a bit old when he is mistaken for a dead guy.
He recently flew Southwest Airlines on a quick flight from Burbank to Oakland. It's $39, no reserved seating. When the gate opens, it's a free-for-all for the best seats. 'Spoon decided that he would buy the Business Select seating for $299 round-trip. He would be able to stretch out and he wouldn't get trampled when it was time to board. John felt all proud and important waiting to be called for boarding in Business Select. As it turned out, there were only 20 other people on the flight. The ticket agent announced, "Okay, there's only one of you who purchased a Business Select ticket . . . where are you?" Everyone thought he was trying to be Mr. Bigshot. John made the mistake of bribing his son to get good grades. 'Spoon never thought his son was much the student. His grades never reflected it. But when his son came home with A's and B's, it ended up costing John $1,200. His son ended up buying the whole neighborhood new shoes. And what he had left over he cashed in for singles. He came home and threw the single bills up in the air and chimed, "I'm making rain!"
He tries to teach his son the importance of making good decisions. Look at Michael Vick. He was making $20 million a year and he blew it because he wanted to see dogs fight. 'Spoon says he would have hired whores to mud wrestle. And if he wanted, he would have had them bark like a dog.
OJ? What a dummy. John says he's never seen anyone who wanted to go to jail so bad.
"You Got To Coordinate" - on DVD; on CD; and now on Showtime starting this Friday night.

ACT 7:
THE RAVEONETTES: From their new album, "Lust Lust Lust," The Raveonettes performed the haunting "Aly, Walk With Me."

And that was our show for Tuesday, March 25, 2008.



All day long I've been singing in my head, "Goobers and Raveonettes."

Hillary Clinton now admits she misspoke when she claimed she was under sniper fire while visiting Bosnia in 1996. Nonetheless, yesterday Senator John Kerry put in for a Bronze Star.

Looking for something better than the Wahoo Gazette? Check out: www.steppinoutradio.com
It's all about recovery and rediscovery. There's lots there. Let me know what you think.

Good luck to Dave Sikula. The longtime Late Show viewer appears as a contestant on Jeopardy Wednesday. Pretend you know him and root for him!
Yesterday in the Wahoo, I wrote that Dave Sikula was a former Wahoo reader. He was kind enough to e-mail me to let me know he still reads it. I was surprised. I can't imagine anyone smart enough to appear on "Jeopardy" would want to read the Wahoo Gazette.

This Hillary vs. Barack looks like it's going to go the full 15 rounds. And it's going to be a very entertaining 15 rounds. Reality TV at its best and it's only going to get better.

If I were in the t-shirt business, I'd be printing up a bunch of these and selling them outside every Major League baseball stadium:
"Don't Outsource Opening Day!"
And while I'm at it, why aren't the Yankees schedule to play on Labor Day?
This, of course, spurred me on to another thing. Every Major League Baseball team plays on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday during the season. Those days are penciled in first for each team. They're big-attendance days. Next, Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor Day should be locked in as game days. But are they? Well, 4th of the July is safe this year since it falls on a Friday. How about Memorial Day? A check on the Major League Schedule finds that 8 of the 30 teams do no play on Memorial Day. Labor Day? 10 of the 30 teams do not play on Labor Day. Does that make any sense? Big attendance days like Memorial Day and Labor Day and all these teams have off? And then I checked on the worst attendance teams in the Majors.
#30. Florida Marlins - they play both Memorial Day and Labor Day.
#29. Tampa Bay Rays - NO GAME on Labor Day. You would think a team with struggling attendance would demand to play on a national holiday.
#28. Kansas City Royals - NO GAME on Labor Day.
#27. Pittsburgh Pirates - NO GAMES on Labor Day and Memorial Day. Who is the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates and why isn't he stamping his feet in anger?
#26. Oakland A's - NO GAMES on Labor Day and Memorial Day - That's not what I call "Money Ball."
#25. Washington Nationals - they play on both holidays.
#24. Cincinnati Reds - NO GAMES on Labor Day and Memorial Day
#23. Baltimore Orioles - they play on both holidays.
#22. Minnesota Twins - NO GAMES on Labor Day and Memorial Day.

Those teams better not come crying to me when they complain they can't afford to re-sign their free agents. If the ownership allows the above to happen, who knows what else they're missing. Could it be they don't want to pay their employees holiday pay?
Someday when I run Major League Baseball, all teams will play on Memorial Day and Labor Day.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Edina, Minnesota, originally from Indianapolis Indiana, it's Pat Fleet.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER