" . . . and now, former Miss Teen USA . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Have you been following the Democratic primaries? How could you not? In the wake of Hillary Clinton's decisive win in the Pennsylvania primary, the Democratic National Committee released this congratulatory announcement.
Announce:

"After an expensive and bruising campaign, Hillary Clinton won a decisive victory over her opponent in the Pennsylvania primary. We congratulate Senator Clinton on a well-fought battle who, because delegates in Democratic primaries are awarded on a proportional basis, netted a grand total of ten delegates . . . Wait! All of that for 10 delegates? Oh, Lord, this race is never going to end!
The Democratic Party. Make it stop."

Did you see the Rachael Ray show this morning? She devoted her entire show to former "King of Queens" star Leah Remini and her struggle to wean her daughter off her bottle. We take a look at the promo.
Announce:

"Today on the 'Rachael Ray' show, Rachael welcomes featured guest Leah Remini who documents her struggle to wean her daughter off her bottle. Find out if Leah wins the battle of the baby bottle! And also find out how long you can watch before you do this . . . (we see a television set being thrown out a window) . . . . the 'Rachael Ray' show. Check your local listings."

ACT 2:
Dave is excited to have NFL great Brett Favre here tonight. What kind of football player is Mr. Favre? Dave reads from something fresh off the computer:
"Favre began his freshman years at the seventh-string quarterback and took over the starting position in the second half of the third game of the year against Tulane. Favre, despite suffering a hangover from the night before and vomiting during warm-ups, led the Golden Eagles to a come-from-behind victory with two touchdown passes."

TOP TEN: Signs Hillary Clinton is Exhausted - after 15 months of grueling, non-stop campaigning, Hillary is beginning to show signs of exhaustion.
Dave has just about had it and would be more than happy if they flipped a coin or leg wrestled to determine their candidate. Enough already.
Signs Hillary Clinton is Exhausted.
#4. She's mismatching her pantsuits.
#2. 3 A.M. phone call? "Let the machine get it."

Dave asks if you heard the story about the guy who was trapped in a stuck elevator for 41 hours. All he wanted to do was go out for a smoke during work on a Friday evening. On his way down the elevator, it got stuck between floors. And as much as he tried, he could not get anyone's attention. This happened 10 years ago and just now the lapse-time video is available on the YouTube. This story has special meaning to Dave because he too was trapped in an elevator some years ago.
A concerned over emotes and blurts, "Are you okay?!"
Dave says he is fine now, but it was a nightmare. We watch the time-lapse footage of Dave's ordeal.
We see him slowly grow stir-crazy in the claustrophobic elevator. He does whatever he can to help pass the time. We see him go through every emotion. We see him collapse to the floor, defeated, drained. We see the elevator door open. Someone enters. He says to the fallen Dave, "Helps if you hit the button there, idiot."

ACT 3:
TINA FEY: Dressed in all black. Tina stars in NBC's "30 Rock" and the new film, "Baby Mama." "Baby Mama" has a loaded cast, including Tina, Amy Poehler, Steve Martin, Sigourney Weaver, and Greg Kinnear and it's in theaters now, so why are you reading this?
Everyone is interested in celebrities, but Dave likes to hear the stories of celebrities before they were celebrities. How was it for Tina before she created her big break? After college, she spent 5 years with Chicago's Second City. She was in the touring company where she and the rest of the cast crisscrossed America doing shows for $75 per. They would travel from city to city in a van that got dirtier and filthier as the tour went on. And there was always a fight to get the best seat with the most leg room. They were also paid $25 per diem, but if you got to the next location by 12 noon, you'd only get half that. She says there were many days where the driving was reduced to a crawl just so they could get the full per diem. And there was one guy on the team that the others learned was very easy to make vomit. You could point out a dead bug on the windshield and he'd immediately start to make gagging noises. One day they stopped at a convenience store and they decided to try some chewing tobacco. It was the first time for all. The guy who always vomited was hanging out the window in seconds. It was a world record. And then he ate a huge lunch.
Tina is the mom of a two-and-a-half year old daughter. When Tina is working, her daughter is cared for during the day by a nanny. The nanny is Jamaican and Tina is getting a little concerned that her daughter is spending too much time with the nanny. The other morning her daughter tried to wake up mommy. Tina tried to buy some time and told her okay, but stayed in bed. Her 2 1/2-year-old daughter didn't take to that kindly and snapped, "Git up, girl!"
In "Baby Mama," Tina hires a woman to carry her baby. Tina plays a straight-laced business woman; the baby carrier, Amy Poehler, is a woman who can't find a better job than being a baby carrier. Isn't technology great? Their lifestyles are completely opposite. Tina, concerned, tries to reign in Amy and keep her in check. "Baby Mama" - in theaters now.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Craig Ferguson, 'This American Life's' Ira Glass, and musical group The Black Crowes. Remember, we're your one stop shop . . . . for hilariousness.
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
BRETT FAVRE
-Named Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year in 2007
-Nine-time NFL Pro Bowl selections
-NFL's all-time leader in wins.
-All-time leader in yards.
-All-time leader in completions
-All-time leader in touchdown passes
-The NFL's only 3-time Most Valuable Player.
Brett wants to clarify one thing. . . . that game back in college . . . yes, he was hungover . . . but he did not throw-up. Dave is curious how anyone could be a 7th-string quarterback in college. Brett says other quarterbacks dropped out, guys hot hurt, and he played on the scout team which meant in practice he played the QB position of the offense the team was about to play. This meant that in practice he played a lot against the first-team defense. The coaches soon saw that the Favre kid could throw hard and far. It was a good way to get noticed.
Brett announced his retirement a few months ago but there have been whispers that he could be coaxed back. Is the retirement official? Is everything signed, sealed, and delivered? No. HUH? Brett says he probably should sign the papers and get done with it but . . . . . being a typical guy, I guess, he'll get to it when he gets to it. After playing football his whole life, what does he expect to feel when training camp rolls around? Brett says he is sure there will be feelings, then hints, "Something is bound to happen." Again, HUH? Like what? Brett says, "I don't know." I wonder if Brett is going to pull a Roger Clemens. . . . "Any contenders out there need a quarterback for a couple months?"
And videogame fans . . . . Brett Favre is on the cover of the Xbox 360 EA Sports Madden NFL 2009. I'm not sure what that is. Is it better than Pong?

ACT 7:
ESTELLE: From her soon to be released CD, "Shine," Estelle performed "American Boy." The CD will be in stores this Tuesday, April 29th.

And that was our show for Thursday, April 24, 2008.



On this final day of Passover, OJ has taken a break from searching for the real killers and is now looking for the Matzo.

I laughed when Tina Fey told the story of her early show-biz years and traveling by van from city to city, making sure they arrived at the next destination after 12-noon in order to get the full $25 per diem. I recalled a similar story of my time in the New York Police Department. In my precinct there were a few beats that required a face-to-face relief, meaning the officer couldn't leave his post until the next shift was there to replace him. A van of 8 police officers for the 4:00-12:00 midnight shift would slowly make the rounds to drop off one officer and pick up the 8X4 officer. This would be repeated one-by-one for the 7 other officers. The 8X4 officers would then be driven back to the stationhouse. The entire round-up would result in the officers gaining a maximum of 1 hour and 15 minutes overtime. The first time I was in charge of driving the van, I wanted to be the good cop and impress the brass. I didn't dawdle and quickly made my way from post to post. The veteran cops would drawl, "Slow down." I ignorantly didn't understand. Each pickup of the next officer was met with surprise. He'd get in and exclaim, "You're early!" With all eight dropped off and the eight returning, I was way ahead of time. Finally, one of the grizzly vets barked, "STOP THE VAN!" I pulled over. Nobody said a word. We just sat there. During those few minutes of complete silence, I learned. If I got them back to the stationhouse earlier than usual, the brass would wonder why they couldn't be returned every day at that time. Maybe they don't need an hour and 15 minutes. And if the officers got back early, they wouldn't get their full overtime for that day. Uh oh. I was cutting into their paycheck. I looked into my rearview mirror and said to the van of fellow officers, "Damn. Guess what? I left my nightstick back at foot-post #3. We gotta go back." I circled back and returned to foot-post #3. As soon as I opened my door, I "discovered" my nightstick under the front seat. I "apologized" to the men. I put the van in drive and idled back to the stationhouse. Incredibly, we got there an hour and 15 minutes after the end-of-tour.
I picked up my first piece of crust on my way to becoming crusty.

In Wednesday's show, Dave kept referring to Paul's hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario and offered Paul the opportunity to tell us a little bit about the place. The audience would laugh and Paul would wave it off with a big grin and giggle. What was that all about? It must have come from something in the pre-show Q&A. As usual, I was busy before the show and missed the Q&A, and I continued my busy-ness during the early part of the program. I didn't refer to it in my Wahoo, but I did read something from a Late Show viewer named Brady who surmised in the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup. "Dave made several allusions to something Paul said before the show regarding his hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario. I wonder what he said. I'm going to 'Play the Paul' and go with something along the lines of, 'It's a 'djoy'-hole.' Said in jest, of course.

After reading this, I decided to find out. I checked with the CBS Orchestra coordinator. He relayed to me almost exactly what Brady had written in his critically acclaimed Big Show Synopsis. Nice going, Brady. You hit it on the head and won at "Play the Paul." Of course, Paul is very loyal to his home of Thunder Bay and, as it was reported to me, it was all done in fun.

Last Thursday's 7-day forecast --- yesterday was the 7th day.
"Thursday: Occasional showers possible. Highs in the upper 60s and lows in the mid 50s."
So, what was yesterday's weather in New York City?
A high of 79; a low of 62; zero precipitation. BUZZ! Not even close.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From San Diego, California, it's Karen Hazel.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER