" . . . . and now, the First Lady of American Journalism . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
The Hallmark of a Dumb Guy --- someone who needs to pretend he's smart. During the Pre-Show Q&A, a guy raised his hand. Dave asked his name. The guy said P.O. Dave thought, "Pio" . . . . must be an Italian name. Dave asks, "Is that an Italian name?" The guy says it is. Now Dave is feeling confident and smart. He could have left it at that, but his new-found confidence urged him to continue. "Where in Italy are you from?" Dave asks. The guy says, "I'm from Ireland." DOOHHH! The guy and his wife, with a baby on the way, are presented with a dinner for two to Victor's. This is America! A guy with an Italian name from Ireland is sent to a Cuban restaurant in New York.
Dave likes giving out the free dinners to our audience. He thinks it might make for a good show in the CBS lineup . . . . Dave giving out free dinners all night long.

Despite his advanced age, Senator McCain says he will make a serious play for 18-29 year-olds in the general election. He's trying to reach younger voters with this brand new campaign commercial.
Announce:

"Despite his age, Senator McCain believes he is still hip enough to attract younger voters in the forthcoming presidential election. So, this November, after that cherry-lime rickey with that paper-shaker Betty Sue, hop in your dad's Studebaker, pop the clutch and 23-skidoo to the polls to support that happenin' Daddy-O, John McCain. John McCain --- more fun than a sock hop."

We hear the sounds of an incoming news bulletin. Dave searches the desk for the "this-just-in" news bulletin. He looks left, he looks right, he looks to our executive producer. There is no impending news bulletin. There is nothing to read. It's only he sound effects of a news bulletin. A relieved Dave continues with the show.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
-I don't remember. I think it had to do with sitting next to someone at dinner.

As Dave is about to throw to commercial, he sees trouble in the balcony. It's a woman hanging by her hands off the balcony. Obviously, she doesn't belong there. Biff and Pat Farmer grab a ladder to get her down. Frightening.

ACT 2:
As we come back from commercial, we see a replay of woman hanging from the balcony being escorted out. She's not the prettiest woman, which probably explains why we had her in the balcony.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS: Coming soon, the Late Show Fun Facts Amusement Park!

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Signs You Have A Bad Commencement Speaker
10. The entire speech is "Testing 1,2,3 . . . testing"
8. Only bit of wisdom: "There's a white Ford Taurus with its lights on."

TERI HATCHER: From the ABC hit show, "Desperate Housewives." They've been crazy busy at "Desperate" as they tried to make up for lost time due to the writers strike. With so much work, she hasn't had time to workout. She hopes to get back into an exercise routine of training, working out, and riding her horse. Riding a horse is a workout? Hmmm, maybe for the horse.
Dave likes the horse-talk and is very curious as to what Teri rides and if she's ever been tossed. Teri says she's never been tossed but had seen her 10-year-old daughter thrown.
Ooooh, that can't be good. Sounds like woe before the whoa.
How was Mother's Day? Teri laughs when she mentions she took her daughter to the horsetrack. It's a family thing. Teri goes with her parents and her daughter; a three-generational gathering. And a couple weeks ago Teri went to an L.A. Dodger game. It was a fun day with her daughter, Terry's friend and her daughter. After the 7th inning stretch and "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," it was time to leave. That's how they do it in L.A. There, the 7th inning is the new 9th. Terry threw her stuff in the trunk and slammed it shut. Unfortunately, her stuff included the keys to the car. Locked out. After much phone calling and pleading, she was able to get the phone number to OnStar and convince them that she was she. Teri was instructed to hold down the trunk button for 30 seconds. And then all of a sudden . . . boom . . . all the locks popped open. She admits to crying with joy. She says it is the most ingenious invention in the past 20 years. OnStar to get inside a locked car . . . . ha! What's the matter, she didn't have a coat hanger?
"Desperate Housewives" - the season finale is this Sunday night. Teri says the last two minutes of the season finale is the most fascinating, surprising, unpredictable development on the show in 5 years.

ACT 4:
The Worldwide Pants new project . . . . Dave holds up a rendering of the marquee on the Ed Sullivan Theater on Broadway . . . "Dinner's On Me, with David Letterman."

Alan interrupts.
Alan: "Excuse me, Bubble Ass?"
DAVE: "What is it, Alan?"
Alan: (jubilant announce) "The current Mega Million jackpot is over $166 million!"
DAVE: "Alan, what are you doing?"
Alan: "Sorry, Dave. I had to take on extra work so I could pay for gasoline."

ACT 5:
Announce: "Monday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Kevin Spacey, Senator Jim Webb, and singer Sara Bareilles. You'll never forgive yourself if you miss this one!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
ROBERT F. KENNEDY, JR. - environment crusader and bestselling author. His latest essay can be found in the May issue of Vanity Fair and is entitled "The Next President's First Task."
Dave is concerned about climate change and wonders if there is any good about climate change. All we ever hear is bad news. Kennedy points out that they can now grow cabbage in Greenland, but doesn't offer much more benefits than that. Have we gone too far? Is it too late to make a difference? Kennedy says it is not too late, and the good news is that everything we do to try to reduce global warming will ultimately result in greater national security, more prosperity, and cleaner water and air.

A company called VantagePoint is rewiring Israel, making their entire system of transportation electric and not fuel-based.
Iceland: in 1970, Iceland was the poorest country in Europe. They were 100% dependent on imported coal and oil. They now get 90% of the energy that runs the country from geothermal and they are now the 4th richest country in the world. Switzerland imposed a $150/ton tax on carbon. Entrepreneurs flooded into the country with alternative energy companies, creating energy from garbage. Today, Switzerland is the 6th richest country in the world.
California is our most prosperous state. It is also the most fuel efficient state. We need to de-carbonize our economy off oil and coal. Our dependence on oil is the #1 detriment to our freedom and prosperity.
Kennedy believes that a true free market would get us going in the right direction. Right now, the U.S. government subsidizes oil with a trillion dollars a year. The same is true for coal and nuclear. With those kind of subsidies, wind, solar, geothermal or hydro power can't compete.
Wind and solar energy offers the greatest possibilities in America, and he calls the Midwest "The Saudi Arabia of wind power." Now that is exciting.
Solar Energy - if we put solar panels on 19% of the uninhabited, barren desert we have out west, it could provide all of our nation's power, even if every American drove an electric car. We could do this for a fraction of the price of what we pay to subsidize oil, and not only would we be free of oil, we be free our dependence on the oil producing regions of the world.

I like Robert Kenney, Jr's approach. He knows the dangers of climate change, but to convince people to change, to convince those with the power to make real change, he knows he has to appeal to their need to make a profit. You have to appeal to their greed, not their sense of decency. He didn't really talk about the dangers of global warming; he talked about how much money we could save, and make, by getting off coal and oil and capturing the power of the sun and wind and water. He knows he can't convince people to change to save the world. He knows he can convince people to change by promising it would make them a lot of money. And if the world is saved along the way, so much the better.

And that was our show for Friday, May 16, 2008.



I suspect Hillary is no longer running for President but merely angling to become the spokesperson for Duracell.

When asked what he thought of Barack's claim that he's been to 57 states, Bush said, "Yeah, well I've been to all of them!"

The other day on my drive in to work, my mind drifted from baseball to driving. When my mind went back to baseball, I asked myself whom would I most want on my baseball team if I were to start a team tomorrow. I decided on Philadelphia Phillie Chase Utley.
This morning I heard on the radio that very question posed to our President, George W. Bush. He said his first pick would be Philadelphia Phillie 2nd baseman Chase Utley.
I'm not sure if that should make me proud or doubt my baseball knowledge.

I've never understood this and I've seen it many times the few times I've watched the Mets . . . . . why do the Mets sacrifice Jose Reyes over to second when he led the Majors in stolen bases the last two years? Let him steal second!

I'm getting my fishing license this week and I'll be trying my hand at flyfishing. The only reason I want to go flyfishing is because I like how it looks from the highway.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
She's smart, she's funny, and she has good hair, from San Francisco, California, it's Kathie8.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER