" . . . and now, British mogul . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Following the monologue, we go out to 53rd Street to visit with Charles Austin. And how is Charles Austin? He is the Olympic Record Holder in the High Jump. The high jump event is Dave's favorite event in the entire Olympics. Unfortunately, this year NBC shows nary a jump. Dave did see a few women jump, to which he was greatly pleased and entertained, but saw no men's high jumping. So, Dave wanted to see some high jumping. And so, we got him some high jumping.
Charles Austin set the Olympic high jump record back in 1996 at the Atlanta Olympic Games with a jump of 7 feet, 10 inches. He also holds the United States outdoor high jump record of 7 feet, 10-and-a-half inches he set back in 1991. That's 17 years ago! The World Record is 8 feet, one-half inch held by Cuban, Javier Sotomayor. Whenever we have an athlete on the show, I will prepare Dave a quick info card of the athlete's accomplishments. I had two or three things on Charles Austin. I was pretty awed by Dave's knowledge in the high jump when conversing with Charles. Dave threw out names from the past and present in the high jump annals which were nowhere on the blue card. Dave was familiar with all the styles of jumps and a lot of its history. I was very impressed and I think Charles was surprised and delighted to find an enthused and educated fan of the high jump.
Dave considers the high jump the single greatest accomplishment in all of Track and Field. Austin grinningly agrees. Dave discusses the various styles of high jump and asks Charles if he ever did the western roll or the straddle? Charles says he never has. Dave quips, "Not even on your honeymoon?"
What will Charles do for us tonight? The record for the high jump for those 40-and-over is 7 feet, one-half inch. Charles will try to break that record tonight.
Charles is on the dark side of 40, which qualifies him for this event. The high jump bar is set at 6 feet, 6 inches, just so Charles can warm up and show off. We are ready for Charles' warm-up jump. Charles ever-so gracefully glides in his approach and then explodes over the bar, easily clearing 6 feet, 6 inches.
When we come back, Charles will attempt to break the high jump record for those 40-and-over.

ACT 2:
Phone call for Mr. Letterman! Phone call for Mr. Letterman!
Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Hello? Who's this?"
CALLER: "Hello, Delilah, this is Randy."
DAVE: "What can I do for you, Randy?"
CALLER: "I'm in love with a wonderful woman for two years. She's gained quite a bit of weight. Whenever she bends over, I faint."
DAVE: "I'm sorry to hear that."
CALLER: "Can you play something for us from Celine Dion?"
DAVE: "Sure, we can do that."
CALLER: "I'll listen off the air."
The caller then hangs up. Dave says we will get to that as soon as we can.

TOP TEN: WAYS TO MAKE THE U.S. OPEN MORE EXCITING - The Tennis U.S. Open is currently underway just a few miles away in Queens.
#10. Ten ball boys; nine uniforms.
#1. Even though she has no experience, put Sarah Palin in the Finals.

We go back outside to Charles Austin. He is attempting to break the high jump record for the "twenty-two-times" at 7 feet, three-quarters inches. Charles makes his run up to the high jump bar, leaps, and he . . . . . . . . . hits the bar. No good. But Charles will get another chance. One wonders; did he really miss or is he just playing show-biz?

ACT 3:
Charles' attempt #3 - 7 feet, 3/4 inches. Charles glides to the high jump bar, leaps . . . . and he's over the bar! . . . . but his heel knocks off the bar on the way down. Oh, so close! 99% of his body cleared 7 feet, 3/4 inches. That 1% stole him of his glory.

JOHN MALKOVICH
John Malkovich lives in France and this summer hosted his teen-aged son and friends at the house. There were about 14 in total. OUCH! Wow, that has trouble written all over it. And it was. It's was part bed and breakfast vacation, part rehab. John would turn in for the night at around midnight, just when they were starting their's. Most nights ended for John by doing the load of dishes in the sink from dinner hours earlier. There would always be a ton of dishes. He would call it a night and go to bed. When he woke in the morning, he would find 28 new dishes in the sink with remnants of crepes and fried eggs and pasta and sausages. He would spend most of the morning again doing dishes. In fact, most of his summer was spent doing dishes.

I'll have to go back into my files. A guest on the show sometime back said about his or her children: "They have a healthy amount of dislike for their parents." I think it may have been Malkovich, and "dislike" may not have been the exact word, but it was something like that. I always enjoyed that quote. I'll have to look it up. It sounds like something John would say.

John holds a photo of his nephew's dog. The dog has on a Superman cape. When the photo of the dog was shown to John's mom, she looked at it, studied it, and then said in a strong voice, "Who is that, Bob Dylan?" She eyes it some more, then decides, "No, it's Sting, isn't it?!" The woman has perfect eyesight but there seems to be some disconnect from eye to brain to mouth.
John's new film, "Burn After Reading" opens next Friday, September 12th. Dave liked the film and wonders why more good movies like this can't be made. Dave says only about 2% are any good. John says there are good movies out there, well-written films, but those who can give it the green light are usually looking for something else.

Back from commercial, we see Charles Austin out on 53rd Street. He is going to once again attempt the world record in the high jump, over-40. Charles glides and strides to the high jump bar, leaps, and . . . . . . No good. It looks like there will be no record set tonight.

We then watch a clip from "Burn After Reading," with John Malkovich and Brad Pitt. I think anything with John Malkovich immediately makes the piece interesting. Everything he says makes sense no matter how bizarre it may seem at first.
"Burn After Reading" - opens next Friday at a theater near you and those far from you, as well.

ACT 5:
One more leap from Charles Austin. The old record remains safe.

ACT 6:
HAYDEN PANATTIERE (Panna-TEE-air)
Dave says every time he hears her name, he thinks of the Manhattan space odyssey, "Hayden Planetarium." Hayden, who grew up just north of the city in the town I live now, has heard that from many others over the years.
So, what's a 21-year-old woman with means do with herself these days in her free time? Hayden is keeping busy saving the whales. She is involved with The Whaleman Foundation, which goes out to save whales and dolphins around the world from slaughter and ext4inction. We see some photos of Hayden in Japan with a group of whale activists on surfboards confronting some Japanese fishermen. The bothered fishermen subtly used their boats' propellers and harpoons to block the protestors. But their point was made and they achieved their desired goal of gaining publicity and bringing attention to the cause.
Hayden TV series, "Heroes," starts its 3rd season on September 22nd. She plays a cheerleader with special powers. She has rapid cellular regeneration, making her literally indestructible. I thought it was a show about sandwiches. "Heroes" - Monday nights at 9:00 PM on NBC.

ACT 7:
STEVE EARLE: From his album, "Washington Square Serenade," Steve Earle performed a song by the late Warren Zevon, "Reconsider Me." Warren Zevon died 5 years ago Sunday.

And that was our show for Friday, September 5, 2008.



I have the Steve Earle "Washington Square Serenade" CD at home. It's been on my CD player all summer. He's one of those guys who've been around my whole life and then one day when I listen to him, I say, "Where has this guy been my whole life?!"

Here's how out of touch I am. The other day I realized my wardrobe was in rags and was in desperate need of an upheaval. I said, "I'd like to take $100 and buy myself a whole new wardrobe.
This concludes another installment of "Mike, Out of Touch."

$100 for a whole new wardrobe? Ridiculous. But then I thought: 2 pair of jeans, and whatever's left over for t-shirts. You know, it's not so ridiculous after all.

I was talking to a New York Giant football fan the other day who has season tickets. His cost to meet the Personal Seating Licensing fee for his tickets is well into the tens of thousands. It's a one-time fee he needs to pay if he wants to buy season tickets. It'll cost him tens of thousands of dollars before he even starts paying for the tickets and the parking. After the paying the licensing fee, he figured out it'll cost him $800 to go to each game. He knows he's getting beat up and he knows he can't afford it and he knows he is nuts to pay it, but he's willing to do it. He's willing to be taken advantage of. But then . . . . . . . but then he realizes he still has to pay $800 for each of the two pre-season games . . . . $800 for each exhibition game where you might see 10 plays by the starting offensive and defensive units. He'd be paying All-Star money for minor league football. That more than anything, more than all the other money and aggravation he is willing to put up with, THAT is what made him decide NO MORE. He can't live with himself if he pays $800 for a preseason game. He's done. No more season tickets. He's quitting. A lifetime of going to New York Giant football games is history. The family tradition is over.
And here is what he is going to do with the money he'll be saving. He is going to buy himself the biggest and brightest and finest and most expensive TV he can find for his basement. And I'm sure he's not the only one with those plans. Hundreds if not thousands of Giant and Jet fans will be doing the same; having parties and tailgating right at home. And by the 4th week of the season they will say it is the best thing they have ever done. Football owners should be careful, they should be very careful.

What I would like to see: The Cincinnati Bengals trade Chad Ocho Cinco to the St. Louis Rams where Jack Youngblood's #85 is retired.

And now, once again, Late Night the Day They Were Born!
Hayden Panettiere was born August 21, 1989. So, what happened on Late Night August 21, 1989?
Late Night was a repeat, so what happened three days before Hayden Panettiere was born?
Late Night - August 18, 1989; Show #1190 - Mandy Patinkin sings "Over The Rainbow"; Calvert as Cher; Top Ten Reasons Cher Couldn't Make It; Viewer Mail (Ham Lamp; Tom Snyder montage and song; Corn Growers representative); Buck Henry; General Foods Visit; and Paul Prudhomme cajun cooking demo.
And that's what happened on Late Night three days before Hayden Panettiere was born.

The opinions expressed in the Wahoo Gazette do not represent the opinions of its writer.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Montevecchia, Italy, it's Anna Bacci
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com